god where to start....situation won't change. i'll feel physical pain instead of emotional pain. i'll punish myself for being the bad, useless girl that no one wants that i am. no one will know why i si'd cuz i won't tell anyone (except maybe my t).
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
think i already said. the physical pain overrides the emotional pain. supposedly, i won't be dealing with the emotional pain. but i can't deal w/this alone. i need a confidant to talk to and right now bus isn't the right place to "talk" about this particular issue. that's what it will take away. i won't "look" at the sh**. but i already posted about it. i KNOW what this is about but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts like hell.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel like i matter. no i take that back, altho i DO want that, what i want is to not care about this other person. issue is i'm feeling left out. i have my friends but i feel like i'm an outsider looking in on *the* group to be in. i feel like a wannabe and i HATE that!
hurting myself will take away the pain i can't deal w/at midnight on a saturday night anyway. it'll release all the damn pressure that's been building since thanksgiving and compounded on dec. 14
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it'll last till monday when i can call my t.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
nothing. i tried to cook. forgot i was cooking and burnt it set off the smoke detectors had to shut off the main power to stop the damn alarms. posting on bus hasn't helped so far. can't do crafty things cuz that would involve the use of "tools". can't clean the living room cuz that would too. i've already done laundry. i can't sleep. nothing changes till i get my kids back then my life is in perspective again. (and kids isn't the issue that started this btw)
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?i'll feel fine. right now si is the least of my problems. it's a damn better solution than getting drunk. i don't have another thing to do. i have no after hours t access..........this is getting to be a MAJOR issue...the no t access thing. i really just wanna si. not sure why i'm still answering the questions. i guess i just need to finish this.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what do i want? to be acknowledged by a person that i logically tell myself it shouldn't matter if she doesn't acknowledge me. (but it does). i want to not feel like the scared sad little girl. i want my kids back. i want things that i can't have. i want to watch stupid movies with my kids and have them tease me cuz i cry at everything.
i'm so tired of hurting. just when things started to get better my nightmare began all over.
i want someone to hold me and tell me i'm a worthwhile person. that i'm a good mom cuz i am.
<- if ok
