Before *od*

[Licentia Poetica]

I hope it's okay posting this since it's not typically about SI.

I'm not in any danger now. But I have overdosed several times in the past, and given that it's going to be a stressful year (final year of high school), I'm scared of urges to do it again, especially since I've been told that any behaviour that risks my life will force the school to recommend that I drop out.

These are the purposes of OD'ing as I see them:

If I'm stressed about a certain assessment, and I know that I can't pull it off, I could attempt to gain an extension or misadventure by OD'ing.

If I'm feeling vulnerable and unsupported by teachers/ friends, OD'ing is a way of crying out for help.

Sometimes I feel like I need a break from life, and I need taking care of. I like the feeling of the only responsibility I have is lying in bed for a couple of days, ignoring my life.

Twisted as it is, I like the sense of danger it creates, and the 'visit' to ER. (despite the charcoal tasting awful, the nurses being horrible towards you and the beds being uncomfortable)

At the point at which I do OD, it feels like something normal. Brushing my teeth, OD'ing, going to bed. And it's very difficult to think of the bad consequences whilst I'm doing something that feels so normal.

I've tried making lists of the consequences and the things about OD'ing that I really don't like. But if I'm stressed the pros can outweigh the cons, and if I happen to have planned it a little befroehand and bought pills, I find myself in danger zone.

I was just hoping someone could tell me I'm an idiot for thinking OD'ing can makie things better, or share some suggestions on how to avoid it if you have any.

el.

[Stellaria]

I'm not really willing to call you an idiot, sorry. But I do very much agree with the part of your thoughts that see OD'ing will not make things better.

I'm thinking two points here
a) strategies for making it harder to impulsively OD
b) strategies for better ways to meet the needs you try to fill through OD'ing

I wish I could tell you "this is how to fix this situation" but I can't, I'm struggling with the issue myself. But some questions:

a) What can you do to prevent yourself from having tempting pills around?
(for me, this has involved not getting prescriptions for meds I'm likely to use, return surplus meds to the pharmacy, and asking my b/f to clean out unnecessary OTC stuff)

b) Can you make plans in advance for how to get extensions for assessments in other ways, such as through talking to teachers or tutors?
Check around, what do people who don't OD, SI etc. do to deal with those situations?

Other ways to ask for help? Talk to people? Write them? Make a deal beforehand with people closest to you to use a "code phrase" when things are too hard for you to cope with alone, and what to do to help you in that case?

Can you schedule breaks for yourself? It can be hard to accept in this world of constant press for achievement, but we all do need holidays from life now and then. A weekend maybe, without school or work or even planned socializing with friends.

Can you get the danger buzz in any other, less damaging way? Extreme sports? Travel? Games?
(I personally love the danger buzz from OD'ing so I don't find it weird... )

To break the normality feeling, I have studied up some on the physical danger details - but I realise this could also backfire, so I don't know if it's something to recommend everyone.

It sounds like a positive step to me that you are looking at the situation at all, and thinking about it now before it gets out of hand. I really hope things will work out for you. OD's are nasty business.

[Laura]

Hiya

I identified a lot with your post - though I've never ODed I found I recognised some of those as thoughts that cross my mind when major SI seems like a good option - even though I might not be honest enough to admit it sometimes. So, no, I won't call you an idiot either

You've obviously been thinking and trying various strategies, and Nina's made lots of good suggestions so I don't have very much to say.

For myself, I somehow wish there was a way to recognise the crisis before taking the drastic action. Like some way of knowing that things are bad enough to decide to drop everything, get rid of all deadlines and clear off to stay at the home of someone who will look after you and let you just rest for a bit. Do you have someone who could do that?
My own difficulty with this sort of plan is not just recognising the crisis but somehow feeling that I have to prove it to other people, like I don't feel I can let go of work things etc just on grounds of being stressed/depressed or whatever, whereas being admitted to hospital sort of makes it genuine.
Maybe for you, the act of buying the pills is the signal, and once that's happened you should go to a friend and tell them and sort something out?

Sorry not sure if that made any sense
It's good that you are tackling this. Good luck.
Laura

[Licentia Poetica]

ooh lengthy replies thanks.

a) What can you do to prevent yourself from having tempting pills around?

I don't keep pills in the house, except for my meds which I get only a weeks worth from the pharmacy, but I'd never OD on those. I have an awful affinity with painkillers, and they cost virtually nothing, and I don't have to explain having lots because I get headaches a lot.

Maybe for you, the act of buying the pills is the signal, and once that's happened you should go to a friend and tell them and sort something out?

The problem is, once I've bought them, I'm in danger. It's too late, because at that stage I've decided and will refuse to tell anyone because by then I *want* to OD. I guess I'd have to tell someone beforehand, but that's tricky too.

b) Can you make plans in advance for how to get extensions for assessments in other ways, such as through talking to teachers or tutors?

I try. But like last term for example, there was no way I would've got my major design assessment done in time. I was planning to OD and would have gone through with it if my teacher hadn't noticed I ws struggling and given me an extension. The thing is I can't always get extensions because everything ends up snowballing, and usually the teachers don't know I'm struggling anyway. The only person I can tell is my school counsellor which doesn't often work because all she does is give me positive thinking strategies and engcourages me to do it. I have a hard time convincing people when I actually can't do something.

Talk to people?

I know there are people I can talk to. And I would, except once I make up my mind I don't want anyone to stop me, so it's only by a lucky chance that something changes.

My own difficulty with this sort of plan is not just recognising the crisis but somehow feeling that I have to prove it to other people, like I don't feel I can let go of work things etc just on grounds of being stressed/depressed or whatever, whereas being admitted to hospital sort of makes it genuine.

That's my problem. It seems that I can't convince someone I'm in danger until I've actually made up my mind to OD.

To break the normality feeling, I have studied up some on the physical danger details - but I realise this could also backfire

yup - backfire.

Can you get the danger buzz in any other, less damaging way? Extreme sports? Travel? Games?

I guess the problem is that I like the damaging. I like freaking myself out because, later I feel better for it.

*sighs*

I think I just have to tell my T about this stuff and let her know that I'm going to try and come to her before I get to danger zone and that she needs to believe me.

thanks

[Stellaria]

I think I just have to tell my T about this stuff and let her know that I'm going to try and come to her before I get to danger zone and that she needs to believe me.

Sounds good. I hope she takes you seriously. Go for it!

[Wendy]

I don't think you're an idiot either. I understand about wanting nurturing, excitement, and relief from responsibilities. It's the unintended consequences I worry about. My H is an ER nurse and has shared many sad stories and OD's that went to far and killed the person who was really just looking for attention. He told me about how hard it is to tell the families that their loved one has died. He also told me how frequently people survive the OD attempt, but end up sickly with liver problems for the rest of their lives and often end up eventually dying of that.

I was wondering if would be possible to ask directly for what you need -- time off, TLC or mothering, adventure -- instead of trying manipulate others to get them. If you knew you deserved those things, what would be different in your approach to getting them?

Take gentle care,
Wendy

[Licentia Poetica]

If you knew you deserved those things, what would be different in your approach to getting them?

I am going to try and do this, it's just that it's so hard to do once I find myself in danger - I don't really want anybody to stop me. I need to keep in mind the ways OD'ing will *not* help me - like school, relationships, and like you mentioned the consequences that I don't intend.

thankyou.

[Wendy]

If you knew you deserved those things, what would be different in your approach to getting them?

I am going to try and do this, it's just that it's so hard to do once I find myself in danger - I don't really want anybody to stop me. I need to keep in mind the ways OD'ing will *not* help me - like school, relationships, and like you mentioned the consequences that I don't intend.

thankyou.

You'll probably need to ask and answer that question before you are in crisis. You're right, it's hard to once you're there. But if you ask yourself daily, answer, and then practice acting on that answer even if it feels fake at first, perhaps it will reduce the need to OD because you'll be getting those needs met in better ways.

Keeping in mind the down side sounds like a good idea too.

Take care!

Wendy