surviving a bad T session

[amethyst]

sheesh, I've been going nuts all day and I just remembered that I had requested access to this forum and it was approved, so I am posting here. I'm actually more okay right now that I was eairler-- was really not okay eairler. I'm posting this because I had already formulated a plan to hurt myself tomorrow, and I know I don't really want to. I also know that the pull has been so strong recently and that I keep feleing closer to the edge.

I don't expect anyone to read or reply-- this is *very* long. I just needed to write it out.

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Saw the T who I've worked really well with for the first time in about 4 months. I no longer am able to see her on a regular basis, which is hurtful to me, as I feel that I was doing good work and she's is the person I've come closest to trusting enough to consider working on the SA stuff with-- though I have only mentioned it in passing with her.

Seeing her really triggered me. I've been having lots of SU ideations recently-- really vivid. And the same with thoughts of SI-- where I can clearly picture what it would be/feel like to hurt myself. I didn't tell her any of this. The reason I made the appointment was because I've been so non-functional that I'm about to fail all of my classes. I barely told ehr this. I just said that I was there for a Pdoc referral, which was true. I would never have gone back to talk with her otherwise. but... being there made me want to talk-- to say what's been going on-- to get some of it out. instead, though, because I didn't want to beg her to start seeing me again (school policy says that I should have been referred about 2 semesters ago), I didn't say any of it. I didn't come up with any kind of plan to prevent my failing the semester, and I still feel really not okay. To top it all off, the Pdoc who I was scheduled to see (who a friend of mine already sees and says is great) called out sick, and I got stuck with an appointment to see a male doctor. I don't see male doctore-- they trigger the s**t outta me. am not feeling well at all. am overwhelmed by a sense of being out-of-control and having no plan of action to set things right. am overwhelmed by the fact that my T (who is good and who I trust) is referring me to someone who I will have to work with for a long time before I am comfortable with and who will charge me $. (current T is free through school). I am a student who is barely making ends meet (or not even) and who is losing their health insurance in December. I am REALLY REALLY STRESSED OUT. want to cut.

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes. Have had other really hard T sessions as a result of the not talking about what's on my mind-- especially SA related stuff. Sometimes I cut to get through the week afterwards. SInce I've not been hurting myself, I've basically been telling myself that I cannot cut myself-- that if I cut myself, I am reinforcing my silence-- I am punishing myself for the little that I manage to say-- that does not feel like an okay thing to do. Instead, I've tried to distract myself however I could and, though sometimes the distractions meant just keeping myself away from a hardware store until it closed and then going home and staring at the wall, I did it. It didn't feel good, but it didn't feel as awful as I remember constantly feeling when I was hurting myself a few times a day/everyday.


3&4. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I will feel more able to move past the immediate. My fantasy is that hurting myself will enable me to do those things that I *NEED* to do this week-- I need to study for my midterm in Ethics. I need to decide if I am dropping my other classes, or if I can reasonably catch up. I need to talk to my teachers about why I've not gotten myself to class recently. I need to come up with a plan of action. THe fantasy that hurting myself will help exists because in the past it has been true: hurting myself gave me enough distance from that which was bothering me that I chould get on with the day. Hurting myself now, though... I don't know... would it serve the same prupose this time? It would probably just give me one more thing to worry about. I don't even know if I could hurt myself the way I would "need" to in order to feel relief-- I am too worried about scars at this point.


5. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel that I can make an empowered decision to look for a new T. I want to feel that I have some of the tools I need to succede in talking about that stuff which is hardest for me. If I hurt myself, I will see it as a punishment for talking today. It will get me further away from my goal.

6. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I'm not even sure that it would bring relief. the thought of it brings the fantasy of relief. If it did, though, it would not even last the night. the relief ends shortly after the bleeding stops.

7. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I've managed to distract myself most of the day-- did not buy a razor. I took valerian as I was typing this. my hope is that it will kick in and that I will fall asleep. These steps (plus posting here) will get me through the night. Tomorrow, I will go to the garden and do homework. I will not borrow the car (so I can buy my favorite tool). I will write out what I will say to the Odoc who I have an appointment with on Thursday. I will post as much as I need to to get through the urgyness I've been feeling recently-- I will remind myself that I am not being selfish, that it is not a waste of space: that I have a resource and a safe space and that utilizing it in times of need is an okay thing.

8. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I hurt myself I will feel stupid and bad.
If I do the other stuff, I will feel productive and like I am taking charge of my immediate mess-- this is very important if I want to have a chance to not spiral further than I have recently.

9. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

As much as this is a stressor, I did the right thing in making this emergency appointment. WHat I can do to avoid it in the future is work on finding a new T.

10. Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't think I've "needed" to hurt myself in a few years. I'm not even sure that I want to hurt myself-- I just am having a hard time controling the thoughts right now.

11. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I'm honestly not sure what I really want to do right now-- other than write a long list of all of the stuff that I avoid saying in therapy and just handing it to Dr. H and saying "here, read this, this is what I'm thinking about/focusing on/ obsessing over when you ask me what i'm thinking about when I fall so silent". THis is not really possible, as she just saw me on an emergency basis-- my time to talk about that stuff has passed. I can, however, honor the fact that I am wanting to do this by allowing her to help me in the way she has offered to: by trying to find someone who I will be able to work with on a more permanent basis.

I can also best honor the self-protective instinct by realizing that the only danger that existed today was the one that *I* was creating... I can best honor my need to stay safe by listening to the fears I have written above and recognizing that they are fears, but that I am safe and an adult and am in charge of my own future and am responsible for taking care of myself.

[Jomomma]

I did read and would love to reply but my mind isn't working at even minimal capacity at the moment.


I do agree that writing might help even if you don't have someone youc an give it to right now
Having it may make it a bit easier when someone does ask you what's on your mid and if you can't speak then you will have it when the time comes.


Take gentle care of yourself


Jo

[amethyst]

Thanks Jo.

When I get a moment, I may very well write out those things... am thinking that maybe when I *do* find a new T and trust them enough, that then-- before I even try to talk about the SA stuff, I can just hand them what I've written out-- that way there's no editing myself because they would already know-- it would just them be a matter of my actually saying things out loud.

~~~~~~~~~

so I woke up this morning and for the first time in probably over a month my first thought was not "I want to cut myself" or "I want to die" instead, it was the fact that I was going to go to the garden to study. I know that this is because I took the time to write all of the above out last night right before going to sleep. I'm glad for this space. *wanders off to try to get through the day in a productive manner*

[kcat]

I read too. I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. The not being able to speak of things and then wondering why you didn't when you had the chance. The needing to find a T but its just so fucking exhausting of an idea---plus once you have one, the time it will take to establish trust enough for it to "work." I'm there too. Here is some evergy for you to have

I'm glad you wrote all that out. I hope you write stuff down to have, too. I think it will help you for when you do see someone...even if you don't GIVE it to them, just haveing written it may make it easier to speak out of your mouth because you've already said it once on paper. That's worked for me before with other things.

I hope you got some studying done, I need to do the same.