upset *trigs*

[nirvana]

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? the situation won't change at all. i'll still be in the same exact place, maybe even farther from where i want to be. but i'll feel better. and more calm.

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? nothing. no one will know but me, and it will be yet another pretty secret to keep inside. it will be all mine.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? farther i think. but i'm not actively trying to recover. i havn't been counting days on purpose, so i don't feel bad about slipping up. i'm trying to stay alive.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? i'll make it through the night. and tomorrow i'll be at school. i'll be busy, even if i hate the people there or something bad happens. i won't be able to do anything, just si again tomorrow night.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i don't know. i really wish i knew. i'm so angry, but can't take it out. phsyical stuff is the only thing that works, but i can't do that right now. i just had surgery. i need something else though.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? i'll be alive. i don't know how or if i'll feel anything at all. but i didn't come up with another thing, so i don't know.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i really do want to cut. i think i need to, i don't know what else i could do. but for the first time, i came here and actively thought against it before i did anything. so maybe that's a step towards something?

tara.

[littlethings]

Yes, that's a step

I know making those first little moves is hard. The first time I tried to fight an urge I remember sort of sitting there going "why on earth am I bothering?" because I really didn't know then.

If you don't hurt yourself, will you still live? One of the things that struck me was how you answered question #6 and #3. Are you actively suicidal (if so, please get immediate help) or are you emotionally contained in the cycle of SI? Because, amazingly enough, life goes on, even when you really expect it not to. Granted, that doesn't make living any easier.

There are physical things you can do besides exercise (which is how I took your statement?). Have you tried punching a bed or something? I assume if you are able to hurt yourself you have mobility, but I don't know the extent of how much that is. Throwing eggs or ice against the shower is something I usually recommend because it is very physical. Even ripping us a sheet of cardboard can be very cathartic.

You are angry and distressed, and probably frustrated as well. Those are powerful feelings and I hope that you are able to feel better, and eventually feel better without hurting yourself. And you are in my thoughts.

Please take care of yourself tonight,
JoAnna

[nirvana]

thank you JoAnna, your response means a lot and helped me think about what i wrote. just to note, i did end up cutting, but i'm glad i at least have written down what was going through my head.

i'm not actively suicidal. i don't want to die. i just don't like this life, and i try not to complain about it. it's just a lot, and there's a lot of things out of my control that i don't like. cutting is often my way of staying in control. (unhealthy, i know.) for a while, i was almost out of the habit of si'ing. then i slipped a few times, which was fine. once i felt i'd done it too many times to lose my days, i gave up trying or counting days, because i thought it would hurt.

thank you for the suggestions about semi-phsyical activity, i'll try them next time. will try this forum again next time i'm urgy. i like it.

xxx tara.