Urgy....

[guest11]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I don't know.... I'll get that satisfaction that you only get from hurting yourself....

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It'll bring what I used to describe as a "Stress Free Zone" which effectively makes it impossible to stress me out. Considering what happened recently with my basically attacking my mother I'd think that stress free zone might be a good idea.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I doubt it'll get me closer to feeling always relaxed, but it certainly won't make me more stressed. I've already got to wear jackets on hot summer days cause I've still got scars to hide.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know, a few days? Then I guess I'll do it again until I can talk to my therapist on Monday.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I don't know what else to do.... I'm answering these questions hoping it'll kill the urges a bit.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Not stressed if I hurt myself, and since there is no other thing, I'd be extremely stressed.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Right now I want to curl up into a ball and die. That won't happen. I don't have any other coping methods. I'm starting cognitive analytic therapy soon so I guess that'd help... I don't know what to do.

[guest11]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I answered that above.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've wanted the stress free zone before, last time I hurt myself. But it wasn't cause of what happened with my mother, cause it was before that.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've tried talking about it earlier on and that only served to get me more pissed off and frustrated. I can't think of anything else. I guess I could drink myself to high places, especially considering it's only coke.

How do I feel right now?
Right now, a little anxious. Physically fine except for my arm problem which is unrelated, though I can't say it's not got me stressed.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Mentally, I feel a great relief. Not having to worry.... physically I feel pain and I don't like it very much. Though it is bearable.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Relieved.... but probably worried that my mother will come into my room in the morning and see the new wound. I try to cover it up as I go to sleep but it doesn't always work since I squirm in my sleep a lot.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No. I don't know what else I can do. My laptop's CD drive is broken, so my normal "I'll play a game for 30 minutes and see if I'm any better then" doesn't work. I had my wallet stolen too. That didn't improve my mood much.

Do I need to hurt myself?
Need? No, though I'll probably end up attacking my mother like I did before if I don't. Want, yes. So I don't attack my mother and I get the relief I need.

[guest11]

Now I'm "ready" to do it, if you know what I mean, and I don't have the energy. This sucks.

[swanfaerie]

i've read, but i really don't know what questions to ask...

it seems like the main problem is not having other options besides si available. is that because you can't think of any, or really want to si? (sorry if that sounded rude, it's just that sometimes in the moment si alternatives are lost in my brain and i can't think of them).

if the issue is not wanting to attack your mother, would looking at what caused the last attack help work thru what's making you feel that way now? or would it only make it worse?

swan

[guest11]

It would probably make me aggrivated and make it worse if I tried to address it. It's just too complicated.

[swanfaerie]

okay....just some tho'ts i had. hope you're doing ok.

[joanthegoat]

i'm a little confused after reading some of your answers. sometimes, i get the sense that you feel in control over your si, but then other times, it seems like you don't have control--like it is an atuonomic response or something.

here is one example-

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know, a few days? Then I guess I'll do it again until I can talk to my therapist on Monday.

i can't determine whether or not you feel the desire to do it, or are kind of just led into it by compulsion.

here is another example-

Do I need to hurt myself?
Need? No, though I'll probably end up attacking my mother like I did before if I don't. Want, yes. So I don't attack my mother and I get the relief I need.

i guess what i'm trying to ask is how much control do you feel over your urge to si? do you feel like you HAVE to do it, or is it just another option (possibly a more alluring one)?

[guest11]

I don't know.... sometimes I feel like I am in complete control of it, but I don't think I actually am. I'm suprised my therapist doesn't get pissed off at me. I always give him answers as cryptic at this. He'll ask a simple question like "What did you argue over?" and I'll tell him I don't remember cause I SERIOUSLY don't remember. Grrr........