Difficult homelife causing old habits to return*si* *sa?*

[lost_little_girl]

Hello everyone,

former member of bus. Of course my nick has been changed to protect the ummm..*ahem* innocent and guilty. I used to post during 2000-1 almost religiously, but decided to stop coming
1. A not so normal relationship formed at the dismay of my parents, and
2. My need to self injury seemed less necessary and I stopped seeking support. I thought I could handle things on my own.

Since this time I have come of age (just turned 20 less than an hour ago), yet continue to live at home dealing with the same bulls**t that lead me to run away a few years ago. On top of my whole 'borderline personality' debate, I am bipolar, with post traumatic stress.
Upon my return home from my brief escape a few years ago, my abusive father maneuvered his way back into my mother and sister's household simply because we are all emotionally unstable and can't pay the bills on our own.
The history between my father and the rest of the family is very disturbing. When I was younger i would watch him beat my brother, and attempt the same with my sister. The police were called several times but he only recieved one assault charge throughout the whole ordeal. I thought I would be spared due to being so much younger, but my father's big thing with me was asphyxiation. I could only spend time with him if I'd crawl into bed with him, as he sat half naked in his whitey-tighties and suffocated me with a blacket or pillow until I nearly passed out. I still question whether or not there was any sexual intention behind it b/c during one of our fights a year ago, I called him a pervert for it to which he replied that, "You are the pervert, making up sick delusions about me."
The verbal and mental, and sometimes physical abuse continued until I ran away and stopped briefly after I returned from my ordeal. Shortly after however, it returned. I managed to stay away from cutting for the sake of not being taken to the psych hospital again, but the occasional violence continues periodically even to this day. My sister is almost 30 and still kept under the same rules as I only because our mental issues keep us from going out on our own. He will not allow me to hardly leave the house, has taken away my internet access, which was my only support source, and believes himself to be the closest thing to God on this planet despite his cruel actions. I went through college this year with bruises all over me, always visable... always raising suspicion from people...causing embarrassment. Yet I still refused to give in to my desire to cut or burn. Recently however, he's becoming more verbally threatening, hiding knives, letting it be known that he wants to hurt me, but has only done it emotionally lately. My current boyfriend is my only refuge, which is where I am now, only b/c otherwise I would have been admitted to the psych hospital tonight if i had not escaped that hell. I hurt myself seriously yesterday for the first time in months ( I had a slipup when I was seriously upset my the current bf) I don't know what to do or how to get away from this hell. I don't want to become like my mother and be dependant on a man soley b/c my current situation is too much to bear. I guess I just need help or support in some form because i am seriously at a loss. This time of year brings back a lot of bad memories and lost hopes. How can I make it through this? Any thoughts would be helpful.

Sincerely,

J.Me

[the winding trail]

Welcome back...I'm not sure what I can say to help you, that sounds very tough...but I read and I care. if you want to talk anytime just pm me. I know this is obvious...but you really have to get away from your father. you don't deserve this. is there anyone you trust irl who you can talk to?

[Shane]

hey

just wanted to let you know i read. my suggestion is to find something that you really really love that you can turn to no matter where you are, no matter what happens, and can make you feel better (that's not si ) for me, i carry around portable music, a journal, and an emergency candy bar. at home i have silly movies always rewound. maybe this could help you to stay strong til you can get out? hold onto the hope that one day it'll get better and keep talking to bus. good luck and warm thoughts

shane