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My scars are kinda like where my emotional pain poured out. For me, SIing is a catharsis. ::quickly reminds herself of better ways to attempt to initiate an emotional catharsis:: Ofcorse, jumping around and singing loudly to one of my favorite songs, or crying, or... Or... Sometimes I feel so much emotional pain, it feels like I have a large ice cube stuck in side my rib cage. Have you ever held an ice cube in your hand for a few minutes and then squeezed it? I did, and it burned and stung at the same time. I feel like if I don't get the pain out/get rid of it then it will crush me.
It's good, I've finally pinned some of the emotions... It was only a year or two ago that I realized, though it be a poor one, it is a coping mechanism for me. Which lead me to realise that I could substitute healthier, or atleast non-scarring, activities for my SIing. It's not that same, or I would have never turned to SI in the first place. I did it for: the endorphin rush, the visible expression of my emotion pain, scars on my skin to represent my emotional scars/pain... And it's transmuting my emotional pain in physical pain. And, sometimes, it's a way for me to say things left unsaid. Things I was afraid to say. To reiterate what I already tried to say. Like, I'm unhappy, angry... Most often my SIing is triggered by frustration. Feeling like things in my life will never change; never get better. Yes, I know this is practically one long, run on sentence with periods dispersed intermittently... Anyway.
Frustation due to feeling invalidated and unable to express myself, get what I want, receive validation, receive support, or find comfort. I like Sarah MacGloghlan's(?) song on the City of Angels sound track that goes, "In the arms of the angel, fly away from here. In the arms of an angel, may you find some comfort here...". It's like it's suggesting, when everyone in my life has turned their backs on me, emotionally, or forsaken me, emotionally, that ther is still some comfort to be found out there. Somewhere... I'm not saying that I have any delusions of cuddling angels as I fall asleep. No, no. I just think it's a sweet idea.
Teddy bears don't forsake anyone. Cleo can't abandon me. Though I wonder if he's trying to desert, sometimes when I lose him.
But I think it's just that I need to make my bed more often and put him back after dragging him all over my house. 