write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i won't feel as lost and scared - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - something i know works, guilt and worry about my sister seeing recent si, numbness. take - some of the hope that i can handle life - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
some of my thoughts head towards not wanting to be alive long-term but most of my actions are trying to get help, trying to cope in better ways and trying to fix long-term issues. i won't feel bad about si-ing, it's sometimes part of what i need to do, but it isn't in line with what i hope for in the long run. i hope that i can use healthy ways of coping. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief will probably last til tomorrow. i will have other things to distract myself tomorrow (eg grocery shopping) but i might also go back to feeling like i do now. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i have a box of sensory items on my desk that i can go through for some grounding/calming sensations. i also could read, it might help to move away from the computer. i could also watch the youtube stuff i'm enjoying but the si thoughts are interrupting that and probably won't go away unless it's really interesting. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel guilty and anxious if i si'd, but probably mostly numb and better than how i feel now. if i go through some sensory items and then watch some more youtube i think i might feel better, but it also might just fill 5mins and then i can try something else (like reading). - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i want to do is sit down with my t and uncover what i feel, why i feel it and what i can do about it. on my own trying to delve into feelings right now would just overwhelm me, even if i email my t about it and try to be sensible in keeping myself grounded. the feelings want a voice, they want to come out, but i don't have the space (privacy) and the ability to let them out in a positive way. it is self-protection to try and stop these feelings, and that's ok. i could try and organise a time with myself to journal, where i have the time and space to feel without interruption, or i could just try and put them aside until my next t appt (which is a few weeks away but i could make one sooner).