Jem's B&A Thread

[Butterfly.]

The urges are becoming more frequent. I want to try to avoid returning to regular SI, so I plan to use the Before (& After if necessary) questions to address this.

Replies and gentle challenges welcome.

[Butterfly.]

Urges are building up. Being ip is making it hard to manage them.

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  It will be an outlet. For the overwhelming feelings that are all jumbled up. It won’t change the fact I’m ip, that I can’t su.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring some space, a calmness, like the eye of a storm. It will take away, potentially, some of my freedoms (I’d loose my leave, maybe put on higher observations).
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to do the “right” thing. I want to keep trying to manage emotions and when I get overwhelmed, with helpful skills. I also don’t want to fall back into using si to cope, I don’t want to fall down into trap again. If I hurt myself it will take me further away from these things.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  It's not the best option.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I could try
  • ”beanbag tapping” - it might give me an outlet for some of the feelings, giving me a bit of space and be less overwhelmed
  • talking to a nurse - depends on who is on. Not sure what I would say though, without raising alarms. It might help to feel heard on some topics that I have no one else to talk to about.
  • ask for prns - will shut down my thinking/feeling enough to sleep
  Any of these things are a may/may not help, I can’t predict how long they will provide relief.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other things I came up with?
  I will be disappointed in myself, and at some point may have to tell a nurse/pdoc and there could be consequences to that (lose of leave/freedoms/increased obs). If I can avoid it, I’ll feel better about things.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want space from the emotions, it is just figuring out the how. I can try using other strategies like beanbag tapping, distraction, prns.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  To shift emotion. Old and new ones. Discussion with my t yesterday I think was the initial trigger, besides the whole reason I’m ip at the moment.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yes. I used si to deal.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I journaled earlier, which helped identify some of the causes and what I’m feeling. I can try some of the things I listed above to ease it without hurting myself.
• How do I feel right now?
  Overwhelmed. Hurt, sad, lost.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain. A physical manifestation of the emotional pain
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Space? Relief? I don’t know. Tomorrow, guilt, shame.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  No, I can try other things first.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[noldo]

Hej Butterfly. From what I read here it sounds like you were/are pretty determined not to si and you found feelings and thoughts why you felt like you needed to SI but also found things to do instead or at least trying before. I always like the last question 'Do you need to self-harm?' cause - at least for me - I have to make a very 'simple' decision, SI or not SI and when I answer to it with your gut feeling, I mostly see where my feelings and needs are so I can decide to self-harm or try more skills. I know the decision is not simple, meaning easy, but simple as this should be a 'yes or 'no' question (I know it can feel a lot more complicated but it still ends up with or without self-harm.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  The situation won’t change. The feelings might shift a bit, or at least my attention will be elsewhere for a little while.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  It might bring a bit of distance from feelings, breathing space when I feel like I’m suffocating. It will bring punishment I feel I deserve. It will take away my control, my si free time.
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  In the long run, I’d like to heal from this, and si is just going to get me further from that.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  It isn’t the best option, but if I did it anyway, I can’t predict how long the relief will last.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I could try going to sleep. If I can’t fall asleep in 30 minutes, I could try any of the things in my cooing box (beanbag, colouring, etc). If that doesn’t help I could try prns, or journaling.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other things I came up with?
  ill be upset with myself if I hurt myself. If I don’t, who knows,
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want the pain to stop, or shift or something.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  The situation won’t change. But it will give me a physical outlet for this pain, a physical manifestation, something I can point at.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring pain, punishment. It will take away my 3 months no si.
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don’t want any feelings about this. I want the pain to be gone, to move on. Right now, hurting myself will at least give me some space.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  I never know these days how long it will last.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I could try journaling. It might give me an outlet. But it may make the feelings even more painful.
  Alternatively, I could reach out to a friend?
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other things I came up with?
  I will be disappointed in myself.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want to si.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  To take The emotional and make it physical.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yes, I don’t know how I’ve dealt though. Various ways including si I think
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I tried distractingly myself by taking on a big cleaning task. I’m listening to music. I’m doing these questions. I don’t know what else.
• How do I feel right now?
  Heartbroken, sad, hurt, lonely
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Punished, deservingly. Tomorrow, guilt, shame.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can avoid it by never letting anyone into my life like that again.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  Yes.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

hi butterfly.
i'm glad you answered the q's, even if they didn't offer a different solution besides si. i have some questions if that's ok?

why do you deserve punishment? if you feel/felt self-hatred, is there a reason for that?

if you did si, would you be interested in looking at the 'after' questions? maybe that will help uncover more information.

[Butterfly.]

i'm glad you answered the q's, even if they didn't offer a different solution besides si. i have some questions if that's ok?

I was hoping the questions would help me find a different solution. I really wanted to keep up the injury free time. Questions/responses are always welcome

why do you deserve punishment? if you feel/felt self-hatred, is there a reason for that?

It's a common theme for me. In general, it stems from my trauma. In this specific situation, I made a choice (a little over 2 years ago) to end a relationship, and it was a huge mistake. I admitted it as soon as I realised, but we never got back together. I am still struggling with all the emotions that comes with it. They are there most of the time, but times like last night they are stronger. I feel that I am responsible for bringing this situation on myself, for making that mistake. But I hate myself even more for hurting her. Hurting her, and being so stupid are the reasons for the punishment.

if you did si, would you be interested in looking at the 'after' questions? maybe that will help uncover more information.

I wasn't up to it last night, but I'm going to give them a go now.



Questions to Answer After A Slip
Slips are chances to learn. You figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. So instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• Have you taken care of your physical wounds? If not, go do that now. We'll wait.
  I made some sort of an effort last night. I'm not taking the dressing off yet to check though.
• What had happened just before?
  I was sitting in the living room, with a couple of candles on and was listening to music.
  I'd been dealing with the urge for most of the evening. I had done the before questions, I had tried to distract myself.
• What were you thinking and feeling?
  Not completely sure. I know the last thought I had before it happened was "screw it". Emotions were just a big tangle that I couldn't quite make head and tail of. But there was hurt, anger, pain and guilt in there.
• Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
  A couple of hours earlier I wanted to try to stay injury free. It had been just over 3 months since my last slip. I thought I could ride it out. I think it all built up, I had no other outlet.
• How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  The emotion-ball built up over the afternoon and evening. When the urges hit in the evening, I could have tried different distractions. Maybe journalling would have given me an outlet for the emotion. I could have chosen different (more relaxing) music. I could have considered using prns when things felt like they were getting overwhelming earlier in the evening.
• Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
  I'd had two drinks an hour or so before, so there was a small amount of alcohol in my system. I am in a permanent state of lack of sleep, so that's nothing new. My living situation is a little bit different at the moment. There's been additional stress and known triggers in the last week that have shaken me.
  I'm still working on getting the sleep thing fixed. I very rarely drink, so it's not really an issue.
• What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
  I threw myself into a fairly large cleaning task. It distracted me for a bit, but ultimately left me frustrated (couldn't get parts of it actually clean) and realising how much I wanted to achieve recently around the house compared with how much I have actually done (or not done), which probably didn't help the situation.
• In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realise might have helped? What were they?
  I could have tried different distractions. Maybe journalling would have given me an outlet for the emotion. I could have chosen different (more relaxing) music. I could have considered using prns when things felt like they were getting overwhelming earlier in the evening.
• Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  It's not resolved. I have no idea how to work towards that.
• Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognise it when you're in that situation?
  Yep. Those emotions are going to come back. And if not those ones, some other combination that gets overwhelming. I'm getting better at recognising and naming my emotions. Need to keep working on riding them.
• What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
  1. Make a nice hot drink and drink it slowly
  2. Find one small task that needs doing, and do it
  3. Put on the diffuser with a nice, relaxing blend of oils

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Spidey]

It sucks that you are "back" at the place where you feel like you need/had to to si, but in answering the questions and trying to do the best that you could, its progress.

Keep fighting.

[Butterfly.]

Questions to Answer After A Slip
Slips are chances to learn. You figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. So instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• Have you taken care of your physical wounds? If not, go do that now. We'll wait.
  Yes. I even checked and cleaned them this morning.
• What had happened just before?
  Literally just befor, going through the before questions in my head. Prior to that, watching the final episode of the new season of The Last Kingdom (which has triggers for blood, death, family things. Although the later I didn’t realise would be a trigger), and then I got into bed and was hoping to calm and settle down so that I could go to sleep.
• What were you thinking and feeling?
  There were a lot of different emotions. I got very overwhelmed by them all. I couldn’t make sense of things. I’m not sure what I was thinking really. I think I may have been starting to dissociate.
• Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
  There was no final straw really. I’ve been battling with urges daily, trying to not give in to them. It was a case of trying to cope with a lot of emotion, and not having the strength to fight the urges as well. In the few hours before, I had been quite “hyped up” (this is the second or third time this has happened, it’s something I need to discuss with pdoc).
• How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
• Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
  As always, sleep is a issue.
• What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
  I tried doing some breathing, and just staying in bed. I didn’t really try coping skills.
• In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realise might have helped? What were they?
  Any coping skills would have been an improvement on what I tried.
• Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  No, things aren’t resolved. Those emotions still linger, some of the things it brought up hurt even more today. I need to find a new t so I can start to work through some of these things. I’m having another healing today, so I’ll see what that brings to light and take my healers advice.
• Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognise it when you're in that situation?
  Most certainly. If not exactly the same, I will get overwhelmed with emotion again.
  After reading my previous after post, I see that the last time I had been “hyped up” as well. This is definetely something I need to discuss with pdoc.
• What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
  1. Open my comfort/coping box
  2. Read through/attempt the before questions (I’m going to print a copy for my box after I finish this)
  3. Use STOP and pushing away to try to get some space

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  I always struggle with this question. Mostly because si can never change a situation so much as change me, my feelings, my view of things. In this case, it will change how I feel (tense and wound up) and it will change how I view things (punished for things).
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  It will punish me for all the screw ups today and yesterday, it will provide an outlet for all the emotion that is building up. It will take away my 7 months no si. It will take away some of my control and my power.
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I would like to have handle this well, using positive coping strategies. To be able to view it as mistakes and learn from them. But both present a problem right now, as they feel impossible.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I could try going to bed. If I can’t fall asleep within 20 minutes, I could get up and read something or colour in.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other things I came up with?
  Who knows
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I really want to si.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I feel I need to be punished, to suffer more for my mistakes. Over the last two days several things haven’t gone to plan at work, I have stuffed up things.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  At some point in time or another. Can’t remember how I’ve dealt.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I have had a shower, I’ve been distracting myself watching a few episodes of a fairly light hearted show. I tried talking to someone st work at the end of the day about some of it,
• How do I feel right now?
  Angry at myself, worn out, scared, frustrated, lost
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain, relief, space
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Punished, deservingly. Anger, guilt, shame.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

hi butterfly.

might be a challenge:

if a friend or acquaintance did the same things you did at work, would they deserve to be punished? if the answer is no, what purpose would the punishment serve?

for me i think doing something wrong makes me feel really awful. it triggers feelings of being worthless, rubbish, nothing etc. si feels like a solution to that, it feels like if i punish myself for the mistakes i can accept that i'm worthless and no longer care about it. sometimes feelings get better when you accept that they are there. it helps me to realise that i often feel things as if i were a child and not in the current situation. making a mistake as a child meant that i might receive verbal or physical punishment, it meant that i felt unloved, unsafe and confused. the present-me feels like i have no control, that a judgement from an authority is going to hurt me, but that's not true. if i'm not good at something, i can learn to be better at it. if i make a mistake at work, it's ok, it's normal and happens to everyone. it might mean that i'm not good at my job, but there are often opportunities to improve, training, mentoring, and the possibilities of reducing the workload in a way that is helpful.

sorry for that ramble. i have been there