Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Just scratches, nothing I can't deal with myself. - what had happened just before?
Things have been building up for several days. Actually, the whole summer. There was no particular final straw. - what were you thinking and feeling?
A mixture of desire, and very close to hatred for everyone who wants me not to SI. - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Opportunity. I knew my husband would be out of the house for a few hours. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I have stretched myself thin over the summer by seeing family, my husband's family, friends... Then I have kept busy on the net. I have felt many times that I need to "shut down", but then something happened and I was busy again. I have a tendency to get stuck way, way deeper than I can actually handle, for example the other day someone mailed me who was dealing with a legal matter, and I spent about three hours reading up on the law (I have no legal training so it's an effort) even though it wasn't even my problem to begin with. I do things like that all the time. Since I have some problems focusing, it makes me very tired to the point where I cry and collapse on my bed. I saw a dear IRL friend a few days ago, had not seen her in a while, it was great but afterwards I was so tired I could have screamed. But then at night, I got an invitation to a secret facebook group with people I admire, from a person I admire - oh oh, what a boost for my vain ego, so I was up late reading stuff. And so it goes. I know I get sick when I push myself too hard, while I don't want to admit it, it's not exactly a secret that things go awry when I walk all over myself. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Not really. - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I actually tried to call my pnurse Thursday when I knew things were going off the rails. She was on holidays though. But another nurse that I talked to decided to talk to my pdoc, who called me up later and told me what meds to take, and to not hesitate to call again if needed (I guess they know I'm a reluctant caller). I have upped the antidepressant like he said, but that should take a few days to kick in. He also said to take valium three times a day, but I haven't been able to make myself take more than two. They help with the anxiety, but the SI seems to be fueled by something else... it's more obsessional. There are other obsessional thoughts right now. I can't even take a walk without naming all the plants and birds I see, it's pretty stressful (I know that sounds silly)
I wrote some of my thoughts down, but that mostly turned into self-hate stuff. - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I think the only thing that would have stopped me would have been to not have any opportunity, which basically means other people have to keep me safe, and that I find unacceptable. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
- how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's not at all resolved. But while on the phone with my pdoc, I told him how intense my SI thoughts are and he talked about that probably I ought to have some form of therapy for this specific problem (despite all my many years "in the system", I never had that - it still became much better when I got meds that were helpful, but the only place I have had support for the SI issue has been BUS)
As for pushing myself too hard, I think I will try to work a bit more on that with my pnurse, it's better with someone who is not family or friends. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Oh yes. And I know it, I just choose to ignore the signs, because I want to live in another universe than the one I live in. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I can't answer this one. The only thing that even stops me from hurting myself worse than I did today is that there are other people who would mind. It's a claustrophobic feeling.
But that ship has sailed... 
