Severe anxiety

[pigeon]

I mostly quit cutting in 2005 (got out of high school and away from bullies, which helped a lot). I'd very rarely (a few times a year, or some years not at all) encounter situations that would trigger a brief return, but I'd pretty much stopped.

A few years later, I saw something awful happen to someone I love, and almost exactly a year after that I had a nervous breakdown (severe anxiety, could only think about all the awful things that could happen, constantly filling my head to the point that I couldn't function at all). The breakdown ended, but that anxiety has been with me at some level ever since -- at first it was related to the thing I had witnessed and the fear it would happen to me too, but over the years it spread and now I feel terrible and anxious most of the time and about multiple subjects.

I don't really "fit" any DSM diagnostic category (don't meet criteria for PTSD or GAD). It just feels like my eyes were opened to the fact that the world is a horrible place waiting to hurt everybody, and that I can't ever un-know that or stop thinking about it. I've tried meds (benzos sometimes help, antidepressants don't), therapy (multiple therapists, no help whatsoever), and Buddhism (can't accept the 4 noble truths, and meditation doesn't seem to help either) but gotten nowhere. And the anxiety has been getting worse over the years.

Today, after an emotionally-upsetting incident (not anxiety-related), I cut myself again (several years since the last time). I was shocked to discover that the always-there anxiety knots in my stomach released and for a little while things felt OK. Only for 20 minutes or so -- once I had bandaged it up, the anxiety came back pretty fast. But even now, if I take the bandage off and look at it, I feel calm again, and everything I worry about seems far away and unimportant.

I have no intention to start cutting regularly again, but... I would like to know what the heck just happened. After years of "treatment resistant" anxiety, something (even if it wasn't the best thing for me to do) finally helped. It was like the first time I ever took a Valium, but without all the side-effects. Maybe if I can figure out how/why it worked, I can find a better way to get the same result...

It's not the pain, it's definitely the "seeing it" that seems to make the difference. And it seems to require real and fresh injuries, writing with a red pen or looking at a recent-but-older (and unintentional) injury doesn't have the same effect. Any idea why/how this would make me calm and non-anxious, or how I could duplicate that effect in a non-self-injury way?

[Akor]

Hi Pigeon and welcome to bus!

I was reading through your post and have a few thoughts. The first thing is when I read:

Any idea why/how this would make me calm and non-anxious, or how I could duplicate that effect in a non-self-injury way?

I, and many others on bus, understand that feeling very well. Let me try to explain, I apologize in advance in I make no sense lol! For me, it's like just momentarily all my thoughts and concentration on are that act of si. So two things are actually happening;
1) For a brief time, my mind is at rest. No anxiety, no stress and my head suddenly is clear. The mental / emotional pain of stress and anxiety are lifted, even if just for a moment.
2) During this brief respite, endorphins are released into the system. So not only are the hurtful feelings (if I can call it that) lifted briefly, but a quick surge of good is released. It's like a quick high.
But very shortly thereafter, all that starts to fade and everything comes crashing back to earth, so to speak. Then on top of everything I was feeling before, I usually have some guilt over using si to cope.

For me at least, that's the how/why it takes away the stress and anxiety that I was feeling. There are a lot ways that people use deal with anxiety to get a different / better result.

A big one for me is trying to cope with things before they get overwhelming. In my head I think of stress and anxiety like a river. If I dam up the water, eventually the dam will fill up, then when the dam can't take it, it bursts and a tidal wave comes roaring through and I have no way to handle something so strong. After trying to do so way too many times, the better way is to try and deal with things on a constant basis. If I work at it, I can deal with a little water flowing by, I can't deal with it when the dam bursts tho.

You mentioned that you had tried therapists and they didn't help at all. Is there a good friend irl that you could talk with to try and express yourself? Or I've heard of people talking to their GP and asking for a recommendation for a therapist. Some specialize in certain areas that are more beneficial to what you need. It's like maybe the right one for me wouldn't be the right one for you and vice versa. I think a good starting point would be to try and explore some of the feelings you have. You could explain what you are feeling, what you have tried and ask if your GP has any suggestions. There are also a TON of forums and posts here on bus that can help a lot. Coping forum is great to find other ways. For example, I never thought of using grounding techniques for anxiety until i read about it in the coping forum, and it does work. A lot of people use place forum just as a sort of journal to talk about whatever is on your mind. I think that plays a big role in keeping stress and anxiety down, being able to talk and sort of get things off your chest. Keeps them from building up and then becoming to overwhelming.

Bus is here to help though, your not alone and among friends here.