Just wanted to explain briefly that I'm new to the board, although I used to come here about 12-14 years ago. I haven't self injured (at least in the classical sense) since 2002, but have recently been getting strong urges to do so and have had a few prototypical episodes in the last 2-3 months that haven't caused any lasting physical damage but are getting close to going over the edge (I'll refrain from details to avoid triggering). I do also feel compelled at times to engage in other impulsive/exciting/distracting behaviour that could fall within an expanded concept of si (e.g. drugs, sex, alcohol, risk-taking etc), although I have really been trying not to go down those paths either and haven't at all since Dec 2013. I struggle a lot with wanting to su, and have had quite a lot of attempts recently, which I guess are a form of si or a ritual in a similar way because I usually pull myself back from the edge/reach out for help at some point in that process. It has been scary that things have been escalating and I feel very close to being where I was about 14-15years ago, which has led me to explore things that have helped before like coming here
I hope it's ok to explain this and to answer the questions bearing in mind these urges as well, I'll avoid discussing anything in detail that might be triggering, but please let me know if I'm getting that line in the right place.Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It wouldn't change the reality of my situation if I si - it wouldn't address my problems directly (my main stressors at the moment are being threatened with unlawful eviction and struggling to get adequate support from services when I feel like my mental health has deteriorated because I don't have, or feel like I don't have, sufficient resources to 'cope'. It might provide temporary relief from the pressure in my head and provide a soothing ritual, but I also know that I would probably feel worse in the long run, or would feel really ashamed and further isolated and stigmatised. I want to avoid getting back into that cycle of feel bad, si, feel guilty and ashamed etc. Part of the tempting thing about SU is that I feel it would make my problems and feelings end, but I can't usually go through with it because I think that what I really want is to get help/get better/enjoy life etc. and giving up now after fighting and surviving for a long time would dishonour all those previous struggles and allow people who are or who have persecuted or abused me to win. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It *might* bring a sense of control, a focus, an energising course of action, certainty, a punishment (it's easy to believe you're bad when you've been told it a lot), an externalisation of the hurt/alienation/injury that I feel inside, a soothing ritual, caring for myself (post-si), a whole lot of shame, alienation, guilt, fear of people finding out/knowing, disappointment, having let myself down, further contact with services (good or bad?), maybe more threats to be sectioned/hospitalized, or more neglect of my pain/needs.
It *might* take away feeling so overwhelmed/dissociated/can't cope but it also might bring those feelings back worse and magnified by shame/guilt etc. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel safe, stable, that I can build a life for myself that's worth living (don't currently feel it is), happy and balanced. I want to deal with the abuse I suffered as a child and not be so governed by these things... to be free.
I know that hurting myself won't deal with my problems in the long run, it's more of a temporary release valve when the pressure gets too much, but it also makes my problems worse or contributes to me feeling or being more stuck. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It's not my best option and I know any relief is short-lived. It's hard because I sometimes feel like I've run out of options or it's hard to do more positive things when I'm feeling really bad - being symptomatic gets in the way of more positive coping mechanisms (e.g. I know getting some exercise/going for a walk might help more, but I'm struggling to leave the house for days now due to anxiety and other symptoms). Sometimes I just get worn out and feel like I've not got any fight left in me, or its not worth the struggle/battle to do something more positive, especially when trying to get support outside of myself can often result in having to deal with fear/anxiety/stigma/misunderstanding/judgment/rejection/blame etc. although sometimes you do get compassion/support etc, it's a bit like lucky dip. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Could phone Sanctuary (mental health crisis place) or Crisis Line (but reservations bout this). Could go for a walk and listen to music (think this would be good as I've been trying to do it for days) which would get some exercise and fresh air, I normally enjoy it and it helps to put me in a distracted/more positive space. Think I'd feel good if I went for a walk as it would be a victory and exercise releases positive vibes in your body and mind. Could do that for 1-2hrs. Could make something to eat when I get back and phone helplines if still feeling bad. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself I'll probably feel sh*t tomorrow, guilty, ashamed, maybe losing control. If I go for a walk I'm more likely to feel good tomorrow and more likely to do the things that I'm supposed to do as well, which might help with the actual problems I facing. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
I'll try and give it a go.
Feel free to say hello or comment. Thanks for reading and hope maybe this has helped you.. it has helped me.
