before

[treasure]

i feel like i need(want) to trigger myself and then act on it. i miss si. i miss being in control. i feel sad, stressed, lonely and broken. i'm a little tipsy but not in a happy way which is disappointing.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will give me a big boost of energy, but also calm me and get rid of my negative thoughts and feelings. it will take away the achievement of 3 years without major si which was hard-fought and is something i should hold on to and continue if i can.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
in the long run i don't know who i am. in the long run does it really matter? say more medium term then - over the next few months...in that time it is summer i need to be able to wear summery clothes and i'm working so i need to be safe and sane for that... si would push me further away from the medium-term goals i have.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i know it's not the best option but it's like that's just another reason to do it - because i'm not meant to and have said no to it enough times. it could give me control and relief for some of tomorrow, but probably not more than a few days. it won't change the stress i feel about juggling uni and work (even if both are part time, i still feel like i don't have enough energy for them both). si won't change how alone i feel, although maybe it would if i wanted to find something to belong to then bus and si-groups would be a possibilty. a stupid one i know, it's not really going to stop me feeling alone.
if si wore off how else do i deal with stress and loneliness - well, music is one way. maybe finding someone i can connect to, somewhere irl? i should probably go read since it's been a goo distractions lately.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow, if i si'd now, would be both good and bad. i'd feel powerful, happy but reckless and maybe not as conscientious at my job as i want to be. if i listen to music and read, tomorrow will be stressful, and upsetting (not enough sleep, too much to do and not much time to have to myself), but i will be a normal person struggling with life not someone hiding the secret of si.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to not want si. most of my brain and thoughts/feelings are saying that i'll be fine without it but the idea is sitting there and clouding everything else. i don't know if i'm being self-protective, it feels more like self-destructive with no underlying thing that might need protection. maybe being sad and alone is something that hurts me and si to push away those feelings is a self-protective thing. to avoid hurt, cause a different hurt. i can't avoid being hurt though, i can't avoid days where i feel like shit. i guess to honour it i could do something that numbs the hurt rather than pushes it away. like distractions, or something that makes me feel happier or part of something. i will look at something online, but it's probably a good time to go to bed, even if i read in bed rather than sleep. soon i guess. (and no si today ok?)