before

[butterflydust]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I may feel less depressed. Less spiraling down a black hole. I may feel like I've invalidated the sadness I'm feeling. I may not.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
I feel it will bring validation to the crappiness I'm feeling, and make me feel like I'm doing something about the way I feel, productive or not. It will take away the continuity of my 2 years SI free.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
This is a dumb question. I want to feel better in the long run, and I want to recover. Obviously I realize that hurting myself will take me farther from that. It's hard to think long-term at the moment though.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know. I haven't done it in a long time. Probably it will only be instantaneous and then it will fade away. Then maybe I will start the two years over again and hope it doesn't build up this badly?
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could go to sleep. What I really need is a distraction and an escape. Sleep could do that.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I think I'll probably feel crappy either way until my meds kick in.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I should take care of myself. I love myself and I believe in myself and my ability to survive. I should hold on to that.


More Before Questions To Answer

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I haven't taken all of my meds in a long while. Also, my med school roommate who was supposed to move in didn't, and I'm worried she won't and I won't have any med school roommate (quite possible). Also, the girl who I feel could most be my friend at school spent all night talking about how Diandra (this other new girl) is her new bff.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Oh gosh, how many times have I been here? Sometimes I talk to people. Which is messed up too because it's codependent and it messes them up. I really need to learn how to deal with this on my own, but it's hard, you know?
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've tried drawing, distracting myself with tv, staying busy, talking to a friend. Like I said, I could sleep. I could watch a tv show. I just took my meds that make me sleepy and I've been stalling for an hour, so that's a good sign. I know that I only want this because the immediate part of me needs it. I know that the more sustainable part of me doesn't.
* How do I feel right now?
Sad. I feel pretty dang hurt.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Numb most likely, which is why it's appealing.
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Morning after is always crap. I know I wouldn't feel good. I know it won't provide any kind of longterm solution and that I'd feel a bit frustrated about breaking a two year streak.
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
The stressor is life. I can be less of an idiot about forgetting my meds and try to be more responsible about taking them so I don't get to this sad point.
* Do I need to hurt myself?
Of course not. I just need to escape, and I don't know how. I don't know how else to escape.