Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll be able to focus more, it will help reduce the anxiety that's building, it will provide a release, it will help me think clearer - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring focus, relief, clear thinking, but it will take away a lot that I've fought for. It will also bring guilt, and disappointment. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
SI will never get me closer to any goal. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last a while. Probably until tomorrow evening, and then some of this will have been and gone. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I can keep using an elastic band. I could try doing something physical (push-ups/sit-ups). In theory I could message one of 2 people (but what would I say??) (or both of them). - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel a lot less anxious about tomorrow afternoon's appt, I will be happy that I got my assignment done, but I will also feel guilty, and annoyed at myself for not being stronger (and I'll feel I have to tell V). I'll feel silly for messaging one (or both) or those 2 people, and a bit embarrassed when I see V next. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I can try to find a way to reduce the anxiety, and try and clear my head. If that fails, I can tell someone I feel like this. And if all else fails, I can SI so I can cope.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm stressed over uni work I need to complete, I'm anxious about an appt tomorrow, I can't think clearly or focus properly, everything is just building under the surface. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been this highly wound up before, but I was still SIing frequently then, so I just gave in. I haven't been like this since I made the effort to stop SI. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I'm doing these questions, I'm trying to use my elastic band to get a handle on the urge. I could try something physical, or tell someone just how bad I feel right now. - How do I feel right now?
Anxious, nauseous, tired, unable to focus/think clearly, jumbled, - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relief, calm, focused, grounded, pain - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Release, relaxed, calm, focused. Tomorrow morning there will be the guilt, and the disappointment as well as the other feelings. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Study I can't avoid, the appt I couldn't avoid any longer, leaving my assignment to the last minute - not really avoidable given my current situation. So, in future I could try making the appt earlier so that things aren't such a mess at the time, study/uni work I need to just get on top of again. - Do I need to hurt myself?
A big part of me says yes. Nothing else will help. But a part of me still wants to hold onto my '0 slips', and prove to the rest of me that I'm strong enough to fight these urges.