Before

[loveLights]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
worse. I will still have to face those hateful people tomorrow, only with more marks on my body and feeling shameful.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
temporary calm. I will probably get a huge rush and feel tweeked for a while. It will take away a huge chunk of my self-confidence that i need for tomorrow. I need to be able to hold my head up, stand up for what i believe in, celebrate, and greive at the same time. I'll be a bigh enough mess and i don't need to add shame to my problems.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel like i got through this alright. i want to feel like i honored Micah's memory in the best way possible. i want to handle tomorrow with dignity.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Just a few minutes. after that i will have started all over and who knows when i will be able to stop

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could do homework. less stress about school if i get some homework done now. until tomorrow. do more school work.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
go to sleep. i will probably not hurt myself if i am asleep. until tomorrow when i won't have an opportunity to

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
nervous, ashamed, sad, hopeless. nervous, less ashamed, sad, hopeful

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
cry, call people, tell my in-laws that they are not allowed to be there. I can pray for protection for my feelings. I can make sure that i am not alone with sharp objects

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't want to feel anything emotionally. Everything is spiraling out of my control and apparently i don't get to tell other people what to do. I am nervous about dealing with my in-laws, and on top of that I am greiving for Micah.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
in the past i have just put my head down and let people walk all over me. then i really wanted to hurt myself.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
talked to Cassey. i could check on Ch and see how he is doing. I could cuddle with the cat

How do I feel right now?
angry, lost, uncertain, sad, depressed,

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
excited, ashamed, numb

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
chill, then ashamed and dreading how long it will take me to stop again. Tomorrow morning i will feel like i can't handle anything and will be depressed and distant.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I need to learn to stick up for myself. i would like to avoid my in-laws a lot more in the future.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I almost hate to say it, but no. There is never an excuse to hurt myself