before

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel powerful instead of like i'm losing power. i will be outwardly wounded instead of inwardly. i would have something to calm my mind and distract me from worry.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - a radical type of solution, a feeling/action i crave, a confirmation of my darker side
  take - self-control of not si-ing, it would take away some of the stability i don't always notice when i've got it.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long long term, i want to be powerful enough and destructive enough to su. it's not any sort of plan to work towards, just a fatalism that i'm not capable of nromal life. however if i were able to find capability, i am sort of working towards a healthy life, and si shouldn't be an option.
  if i si now i will regret it in a few weeks/months, but not sure it will actually bring me closer or further away from either long term future - bad or good.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it's not the best option, but it's what i want to do anyway. the relief would last a few days. after that i'd probably tell my sister that i si'd and start trying to avoid it again. it might be a motivation to seek help, but not sure if anything would change.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could stay online and go on sites that distract me. it will keep me from thinking about si in too much detail. might last a few hours and then i can go to bed.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si, tomorrow i will feel reckless, powerful, self-indulgant and secretive. probably happy too. if i distract for a while i think i'll have less urges tomorrow, maybe feel like i accomplished something. might motivate me.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i really want the physical injuries so i can express something. inner pain i guess. i can express that in other ways, but it seems too risky - better to take it out on myself than disrupt my liife in other ways. better not to be a burden or to risk being hurt. but then i'm already in pain so what does it matter. might write my sister a letter?