Before (crawling out of my skin)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I just want to calm down. Get rid of the tension. It's probably brought on by having had a social life for the past week, seeing various people afk, including my mother, and talking/mailing to others. I want to see people, but it winds me up.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Many times. I have whined about it on bus and elsewhere. It gives some relief. I have tried to stop seeing people, which failed miserably as I got horribly bored. I have used antianxiety meds, which gives a moment of peace. I have taken walks, which sometimes gives a little relief. I have kept myself busy around the house, which sometimes distracts. I have asked my husband for massage and a cuddle, which is the best, but he isn't at home right now. (I have done nothing and crashed and burned.)
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Have done over 4 hours of walking today.
  Have painted my fingernails.
  Have washed clothes and dishes and cooked.
  Have worked on a letter to my pdoc.
  
  I'm ranting here, obviously.
  I could go watch some television, if I can stay focused.
  I could do my abdomen strength exercises.
  I could squeeze some ice.
  I could take a benzo, I'm restrictive about using them but they sometimes do come in handy.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Like my body is bursting with electricity that has nowhere to go.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Arrrgh, it felt sooo good last time, I can't forget about it. I'm kind of thinking that if it feels as intense this time, it must be worth it.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Right afterwards, numb. Later, guilt over making my husband worry. Maybe some regret that I can't wear short sleeves (I do show faded scars but I don't want to show fresh wounds)
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I have tried to reduce my interaction with people, but I only occasionally stick to it. It seems unnatural to not be with people you care about when you want to. But I should make renewed efforts to set time limits.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  Meep. Obviously I should do a few other things first. Then it remains to be seen.

[amyfairy]

hey Stellaria,
how's it going? did you find anything to distract yourself?

hope you can beat the urge. x

[Stellaria]

Thank you for replying, amyfairy.

I'm ok so far. I did my exercises, found something to debate on a message board, took a little diazepam, tried to watch some tv but got sleepy and went to bed.

Now I'm up again in the middle of the night, but that's usual. Still a little urgey but I'll go back to sleep soon and maybe it will be easier in the morning.

[Stellaria]

I haven't hurt myself so far, it's still constantly at the back of my mind though. Actually my only reason not to right now is that this is my first summer in years where I will wear short sleeves and a swim suit. My scars show but at least they are not as harsh-looking as new wounds would be.

I'm really really tempted. And I keep wondering for whom I bother to fight it. That's something I often find myself in, feeling like I should not SI for the sake of other people and then feeling resentful.

[amyfairy]

it's really cool that you're fighting the si-urge so hard i can understand that it's hard, and takes strength.x

[Stellaria]

Thank you. I'm still fighting, but hopefully the worst will pass soon.