after *language*

[presh]

note --- as this is my first time doing one of these posts (my second post period), im nervous, so ill do my best but i know itll be brief, gruff, and probably riddled with profanity. ill learn. patience, yeh?


* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

did i take 'care' of my wounds? as much as i CARE to, which isnt much. im not feeling very worthy of nurturing, and i dont really want to play nurse with myself.

* what had happened just before?

i rewinded and watched the last four years of my life play back in my brain, and remembered some really high times. only to snap back and be punched in the eye with the reality that im flat broke, friendless, unable to function by myself, 28, and living at home with my parents. this large-scale worry comes everyday, on top of the trivial things that push me often into the danger zone. usually, this life-check is all i need. no boyfriend bullshit, or 'im fat' woes, or 'my best friend is being a bitch' issues these days...

* what were you thinking and feeling?

that i wanted to evaporate. that i was/AM basically half gone. the life i had is only alive in the memories of 3 or 4 people. im basically vapor.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

im not at the point where i have 'slips'. im hoping to get to where i can restrain myself, but i generally find myself in almost a temper tantrum and then realize ive SIed. once again, im here to work on this.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

again, its hazy. i felt myself going into almost a temper tantrum (not a panic attack - more of a dissociative state), and when i snapped back, i was in the middle of SIing and was not going to stop until i felt 'satisfied'. (i just fucking shivered as i typed 'satisfied')

* were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

a glass of wine

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

again, i didnt --- aside from crying and going into hysterics. i remember pounding the ground (carpet) with my fists, and i did take a klonopin to try to calm myself. i was too far along in my fit

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

no

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

-

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

my situation will never be resolved. i fucked up a life that i loved, and now i am living this fake existence that i dont want, and dont want to move on it from because i dont want the memories of this period of my life. how fucking tragic do i sound? sorry BUS, maybe you should kick me off this bus...

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

yes i will be in that/THIS emotional place again. im here most hours of most days - i cross my fingers that ill soon find the right med cocktail that will help lift me out of this quicksand, but ive been down here a long time so its quite hard to be optimistic.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

writing
getting outside (getting on my bike, running, wrestling with my dog, etc)
putting on my most aggressive music at top volume