Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I am really stressed out and tense from a bad day/week at work. The weekend is about to start and i dont want that tension to ruin the two days off. If i cut myself the tension will go and although i know it will come back on Sunday night when i start to think about work again, it will mean at least a day and a half of peace - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
What it will bring is release. But what it will take away is more - i am triying to giv up, and not really getting very far, i want to start again but wont feel as if i am achieving that until the cars i have have faded. If i cut tonight that will just prolong the time when i can start to fel as if i am letting it go again - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I definately want to be able to deal with work without harming myself every friday. i knwo that this week was a particulalry bad one and that not all weeks will belike it. CUtting myself wont make it any weasier for me to deal with hard weeks in the future. i need oto learn to deal with strwess in another way. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last until work starts again on Monday morning. Then i knwo that it will build up again to next Friday. i dont want this to become a routine i need to stop it noe, before its started. But the temptation to cut now is great becase i am so fed up of feeling this stressed. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am filling this in, i have watched tv shows on BBC IPlayer all evening, i shall go to bed and i am knackered so i am liely to fall asleep quickly and i know i will be a lot calmer tomorrow. Tomorrow will be ok and Sunday will be ok until the early evening. I need to livein the moment and learn to enjoy this respite before i go back into the lions den on Monday - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
This is the bit that gets me most confused because even though i say want to stop - i am not sure really what is making me say that - becuase i knwo that is what i should say,or becuase i actually do want to stop? The truth is that i like seeing the marks on my body, it makes me feel in control, even special. I wish i was revolted by them, but i'm not. And so how i will feel tomorrow is probably ranging from indifferent - to proud. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
What i really want to do is make cuts all the way up my forearm. But i am not going to. I guess if what i said in my last answer really was true then i wouldnt care if i had marks all over the palce. But i do. Why? I guess becuase i cant think of a plausible excuse and i dont want people to treat me different - or thinki am unstable. I am nto gonig to cut tonight but i want to consider this point further - its possibley a topic for the workshop
And now to bed...
Miffy