have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yup, bandaids and all.
what had happened just before?
My sister was completely freaking out and yelling at me because I wasn't getting dressed fast enough and "wasn't even trying to do anything, just being lazy and going on the computer"...when in reality, i was on the bus web board, trying to get rid of my urge not to SI. Huh.
what were you thinking and feeling?
How all I wanted to do was SI. How my sister can be my best friend whenever everything is fun, but how she doesn't understand anything serious about my life. How she got so pissed off at me for not telling her anything about my life, but now refuses to acknowledge/gets mad at me for finally telling her I'm gay. And that she knows I SI (even though I haven't told her), but she still continues to talk about people who SI like they're all freaks (which is why I haven't told her).
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
My sister was the final straw that triggered this episode. I don't know why I decided to SI this time...but I did.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I've been feeling like this for a couple days. I thought I could handle it and not SI...but I ended up doing it. I don't know when I could have made a different decision...I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
nope, nothing really.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried not to, I really thought I could do it...but this time they didn't.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
My usuals, probably- writing, or drawing, or playing the piano.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
1) Try to breathe through the urges
2) Think of a saying. Lame, yes, but it helps. I personally like things like "this too shall pass," or this phrase on the side of a church I see every day on my way to school: "Comfort ye my people." And my latest one is a bit sillier, but really strikes me- "you are you, that is truer than true- there is no one on Earth who is youer than you!" ~Dr. Seuss
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It isn't, yet. And I want to resolve these things with my sister- I want her to better understand me. She is terribly misunderstood about SI-ers. And she's one of those, "gay people are okay, as long as I don't personally know any of them" kind of people. I just need to talk with her, calmly, when she is in a good mood...eventually. It's iffy, her moods.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I might be- I probably will be, sometime. But I'll recognize it for what it is, and remember that I'm stronger than this.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Writing, drawing, and playing the piano- my three greatest passions.
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
Because it was there, more than anything. Because I already knew what it would do- how it would make me feel. Because I wasn't thinking clearly, and I had been urging for a couple days...and I just finally cracked.
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
The urge came when my sister flipped out on me, but I made the opportunity easy when I ran to find my razor. I was completely in one of those moods, and out of my normal mind- all I could think of was SI.
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I would have thought about it- a LOT- but probably have gone to the piano to work out my frustrations. In retrospect, I really should have done that.
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Probably increased, because I could not think of anything else but SI. I could have done something else, like I usually do, and worked it out with Rachmaninoff or someone of the sort at the piano, but I wasn't thinking clearly this time, so it would have probably just increased.
What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
For me, it's the feeling- that overwhelming sense of hopelessness, sadness...like I'm drowning. It feels so much like I'm drowning. It's never really having new tools, but yeah, being alone sometimes does it.
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
Sometimes I would be really, really upset- but I would try really hard to work through it during those times when I felt like I was suffocating.
Agh, I hate this...I had been going on about a month. But I still believe that there's hope, and I am going to work through it. I am not going to let this slip get me down...I just hate having another scar to try and hide from people.
