Before

[ShellyT]

So this is my first post in this forum. I've been struggling with sort of a relapse of my SI lately. Particularly now. I don't think I'll actually SI now. But I want to look at what's going on with me.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll probably get that quick relief. But in the long term, I think I'll feel bad about it. Bad about slipping up again, after so many months of not SI'ing.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring temporary relief from everything building up inside me. But it might also bring a new sense of shame and guilt surrounding the actual act of SI.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel like I don't have to hurt myself in order to deal with stressful situations. I want to be free from depending on this coping mechanism.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief from SI is only temporary. And I can't just keep cutting when that sense of relief runs out.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could watch some TV. It would distract me for a bit, maybe help me get tired enough to go to sleep. But still, I feel like I'm still going to have to deal with this situation. It's not going away. So the distraction, too, is only temporary.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel better if I don't SI.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to be able to express how I really feel without fear of being criticized and belittled. I just want to let it all out. But I can't. I still feel like I can't. I could try. I could try crying more. But that still doesn't solve the actual problem.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I think I've figured it out a bit. I feel as though expressing my feelings is inappropriate. Expressing my feelings will lead to getting yelled at. I've learned that expression=bad. But I still have so much inside me that I just need to get out of me. SI feels like the only "safe" alternative - the physical pain gets rid of the feeling that I'm about to explode. So, if I hurt myself physically, no one else will hurt me emotionally.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes. Many times. I just kept my mouth shut. Didn't stand up for myself. And SIed. The most recent time I stood up for myself I had horrible things said to me by the person I love. And when that happened, I did SI. Now I've gone back into protective mode.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've talked with a friend about it. I've cried a lot. I've attempted to distract myself by watching TV.

How do I feel right now?
Not as worked up as I was before. But I still feel depressed. I still feel sad. I'm still mad. I still feel stressed and anxious.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No I can't. I need to deal with this. I need to stand up for myself and tell him that his behavior towards me was unacceptable. And I truly need to believe that I deserve to be treated better. I need to not break down. I need to remain firm and in control. And I need to be prepared to deal with whatever reaction I get.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No. Not really. Hurting myself will not solve my problem. It might even add to it. I'm glad I took the time to fill this out.

[sixtyfoothigh]

Hi ShellyT

Welcome to before and after.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No I can't. I need to deal with this. I need to stand up for myself and tell him that his behavior towards me was unacceptable. And I truly need to believe that I deserve to be treated better. I need to not break down. I need to remain firm and in control. And I need to be prepared to deal with whatever reaction I get.

I think that's a really positive and brave attitude. Good luck.

S x