slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yeah, this happened last night. The band-aid got most of the blood. - what had happened just before?
I can't really remember too well. I was alone in my room, thinking about... thinking about how easy it seemed to be to quit SI.
And then I started fantasizing about cutting my arm (I usually cut my leg). But that whole day had been bad, starting and ending with an argument with a close friend. - what were you thinking and feeling?
Let's see... I was very confused about what I wanted. I seemed to be split into multiple parts, each wanting something different. Part of me wanted to cut to show that M1 had no control over me. Another part argued that cutting would show that she did in fact have control over me. And I kept having swings in what I wanted. I wanted to cut my arm. I wanted to cut my leg. I didn't want to cut. I did want to cut. - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
The final straw was thinking, "I need to cut my wrist." I had to see the blood! I remember thinking that, realizing I was alone for a little while, and just going right for the drawer with my supplies.
- how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I could have realized it's only making me worse! Why can I just not realize that?? It makes me so angry. I didn't seem to feel that SI was all that bad for me. But what happened... let's see... it was my arguments with M1. Those just pushed me over the edge. I couldn't take it anymore. Oh, and it was the whole way M2 keeps ignoring me. Shit, I need to talk to him about that. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Lack of sleep, I guess, and arguing with friends. I just wish M2 would talk to me again. I miss him so bad. - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I can't remember... none, I think. Therefore, they didn't work well.
- in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have not been so stupid, maybe! I dunno... I should really print out some of those coping strategies. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Print them out and put them with my blades. - how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Half of it is resolved (the M1 part). The other half is worse than ever. "Shut up, [Lena]!" is what he said to me. Oh, that hurt, that hurt so badly. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes, I'm in it now. I need acknowledgment that I exist. Yes, I think that's it. I need M2 to talk to me. Just help me. Oh please, why can't you see that I need your help? Why do you shut everyone out? Why can't I help you, Matt?? Why are you doing this to yourself?? It's just as bad as my SI. I SI when I feel badly, and you shut up. Don't shut up. Why are you being so mean to me? - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Oh wow, this is hard one. I am in the situation right now, and I just want to self-harm again! I guess... I should... oh gee.
1) I could try to talk to him about it. But if I do, he'll think I'm attention-seeking. If I say, "I want to self-harm because I feel that I don't exist when you don't talk to me," it will be like, "Hello, you're not talking to me, I'm going to go cut now." I know that's not the right thing to say.
2) Distract myself. This urge, though, doesn't feel like the distractible kind.
3) OH I don't fucking know. I need to commit myself to getting better. Why is it so hard??? I guess I can... play guitar/piano.
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Before:
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I guess I'll feel more in control. But the situation won't really change, I don't think. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring a better feeling of control, sense of control. It will make me feel that I have more control over myself than he down. It will take away his respect for me. He will probably be mildly disgusted and/or feel that I and not capable of acting mature. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want this all to go away. I want SI to go away, and I want M2 to talk to me again or just get out of my life for good (that would be by moving, NOT by any serious injury or whatnot). - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I'm not sure. I think it will last at least through tonight, maybe even through tomorrow. And then... I'm not sure. Oh wait! By then I'll be in New York City, New York, so hopefully I won't have an urge then!
But if I do... I guess I'll just do it again, because I seem to have no control anymore. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could try another coping strategy, but unless I actually talk to M2, the situation won't change. In fact, I don't feel that anything I can do will change the situation. If I talked to him, it might make him nicer to me for a few days/weeks. Then he'll just go back to ignoring me. I don't matter to him, no matter how much he matters to me. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will for guilty, uncontrollable, immature, and very weak. But if I talk to him, I'll feel bad for accusing him of being mean to me. I know there are worst situations to be in, but this just seems like such an awful, no-win situation. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel pressured, inclosed, and invisible. I feel like I can't do anything right. Why won't M2 freaking talk to me? Why?? He knows how much he has helped me! He knows just how much I need him!! Anyway, I feel so invisible and unloved. SI-ing can make me feel stronger, even if it's doing the opposite. I'd hide it, and he wouldn't notice. Of course, if he did notice I don't think I'd half mind, really. I just wish he would react like he did the first time. "Oh wow, [Lena], how could you do this to yourself? I think I'm tearing up!" Haha, yeah right. Now it's, "Again?? Fuck it, [Lena], you're an idiot!" - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Oh lord, I am here way too often. I am unloved, uncared about. I have M1 and A, but aside from that, I am alone. So alone. I need M2. He knows what depression is like. Why did he leave me like this?? I need to understand, and I won't stop feeling this way till I understand. But sometimes, I feel like if I do that, I'll only hurt myself more. It's like I have another kind of SI, an emotional kind. I'm addicted to being hurt by people. Maybe because it shows that they have the time to talk to me. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
*begins to tear up* There is no ease to this. I've put it off for far too long, but he refuses to talk about it. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing that can make me feel better but won't hurt me. Wow, how paradoxical is that? But it's true! Any of the coping strategies might make me feel a little calmer, but they won't solve this! - How do I feel right now?
So done with all of this. So hateful of him. Why does he do this? He likes hurting people for the attention, I guess. He's like an SI-er except for the actual self-harm part of it. O.o "Negative attention is better than none." But now I feel bad for saying that. I just ... where did I go wrong? I used to always be able to go to him and get help, or help him when he came to me. Where the fuck did I go wrong??? I feel upset, depressed, hopeless, angry, hateful, confused, and pissed off. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I dunno... I just started talking with friends. They make me feel a little better. I should have answered this about two seconds ago. I will feel relieved, 'high,' real, and in control. And... existful? Able to prove to myself that I can control my own feelings more than he can control my feelings, and able to prove to myself that I don't need his acknowledgment to exist. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Well... After, I dunno if I'll feel to bad about it. I didn't yesterday. But now I feel bad about yesterday's slip, so tomorrow, I'd probably feel pretty bad. You know, immature, weak, helpless, stuck, trapped, etc. The usual. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Not really...? - Do I need to hurt myself?
No, but I feel so stuck. So stuck in SI, stuck in this situation, stuck stuck stuck fuck stuck! WHY CAN'T YOU SHOW ME THAT YOU KNOW I EXIST, MATTHEW, DAMMIT????
I just want to break down, but I can't. What will the family say?
Why will nothing make me feel better? Why will nothing ease my pain? Woah. 
No painkillers. No. Lena! No! No painkillers. They will not help.Hmm... that wasn't a very productive after/before post?
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.