.urges so intense I'm shaking.*updated w/ after [replies:)]

[rhiannon]

Before You Self-Harm

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I will feel distanced and even more estranged from a boyfriend that is already scarcely talking to me for some unknown and inexplicable reason. I resent him when he neglects me, but I love him so much when he talks to me, when he looks at me. But if I do hurt myself, the shaking will stop, the urges will shut up, and I will feel better, maybe even for days that's how bad this is.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring relief and release of stress into the situation. It will take away my deteriorating relationship, probably wrecking it even more. However, the urge is so bad right now I might wind up having to go to the hospital for the first time since I even began SI. That would bring very bad things into the situation that I do not want, but kind of do at the same time.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to be happy in the long run. At this point nothing will get me closer to that goal.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Probably a good couple of days, maybe even a week. After that? I'll probably wind up repeating this process all over again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Just go to sleep. And then I won't have cut, but the build up will just be bigger than it was today. That change'll last until I slip up, and when I slip up, with all that build up, I'm terrified it's going to be dangerous.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will feel wonderful. Oh, so wonderful. And if I don't, tomorrow I will feel the exact same as I do now with just a smidgen more intensity.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I really want to cut right now. Destroy my arms. To honor the self-protective instinct I could either a) cut or b) not cut. I'm totally blind to the greys in the situation right now.

[funkymusic]

*dances around to sleep option!*

Maybe you'll feel better tomorrow? Maybe the urge will lessen? If not, you can reassess. But why not give it a shot?

Please take care of yourself. I know you can be strong. But if you're not as strong as you'd like to be, just remember to take care of yourself in the best way you can.

[rhiannon]

<s>Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  Uhm... mostly.
• what had happened just before?
  Everything.

</s>

You know, I just started this, and I can't finish it. I don't have the patience or whatever right now. It's pissing me off.