<<>>BEFORE <<>> :( :(

[Roxi]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
THE SITUATION WILL REMAIN THE SAME, I WILL PROBABLY FEEL BETTER IF I CUT, BUT ONLY FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I WILL STILL BE SAD

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

IT WILL BRING CALMNESS, [A FAKE] SENSE OF CONTROL- I WILL FEEL CAPABLE OF DOING MY WORK AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK AND SERENE FOR A WHILE.
THOUGH, I WILL PROBABLY GET SUCKED BACK INTO THE SI'ING CYCLE AFTER 104 DAYS BEING SI FREE, WHICH I REALLY DONT WANT TO HAPPEN



how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO COPE EFFECTIVELY WITH STRESS.I WANT TOBE FULLY PRESENT IN MY LIFE AND NEVER CUT AGAIN, B/CIT IS SO MALADAPTIVE AND DOESNT FIX ANYTHINGIN THE LONG RUN, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD AND MY STRESSFULL SCHOOLWORK WILL STILL BE THE SAME WHETHER I CUT OR NOT. I HONESTLY DONT WANT TO CUT, I AM [SUPPOSED TO BE] IN RECOVERY, I CANT CUT, BUT I MISS IT, IT WORKED EVEN IF IT WAS A SHORT TERM SOLUTION... I'M RAMBLING, OH GOSH, I DONT KNOW....


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

IT IS NOT THE BEST OPTION, I JUST MISS IT SO SO SO MUCH!!! THE RELIEF ONLY LASTS A LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME AND THEN I USUALLY FREAK OUT AND CUT AGAIN AND AGAIN..AND AGAIN


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I HAVE SPOKEN TO A FRIEND [NOT ABOUT WANTING TO SI, OTHER STUFF, HATE TALKING ABOUT MY URGES IRL] HAVE DRAWN ON MY ARM IN RED - I DO FEEL A BIT CALMER


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I WILL FEEL MISERABLE IF I RELAPSE, I WILL BE CONSUMED BY GUILT AND WILL NOT FORGIVE MYSELF FOR QUITE A WHILE. I WILL BECOME DEPRESSED AND FEEL LIKE A FAILU RE. IF I DONT CUT I WILL PROBABLY BE FINE AND PROUD OF MYSELF FOR OVERCOMING THE URGE


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I WANT TO CRY, I WANT TO SCREAM AT MY DAD AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FINISH ALL OF MY WORK. I SHOULD BE NICE AND GENTLE TO MYSELF AND SIT IT OUT, DO A BIT OF WORK...

OH , I DONT KNOW-- I KNOW I WONT CUT (UNLESS I'M REALLY DESPERATE)--- [NO TOOLS AVAILABLE, AM VERY PICKI RE WHAT I USE...] I'M JUST SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND USED TO CUTTING WHENEVER I FEEL TOO MUCH

[ChaseThisLight]

I have felt many times before the feeling you're describing: feeling out of control and feeling like hurting yourself is the only option. It really sounds to me like you don't want to hurt yourself, but you see no other way to cope with what you're feeling right now. For me, sometimes it's helpful to focus on small things instead of looking at the big picture, because often times the big picture is what is making me feel out of control. For example, I'm a law student, and I regularly have a lot of reading to do, and papers to write, etc. My first reaction is "Oh my god there is so much to do and I feel so out of control, if I cut then at least I'll have control over something." What I'm learning to do is itemize what I absolutely have to do, what I should do, and what would be nice, but not necessary to complete. For example, if I have a reading assignment in three classes, I'll focus on each class as if it's the only thing I have to do. Setting your goals on a micro level is very helpful and is a fairly effective coping mechanism. It's worth a try. I hope things feel better for you soon.

[ashley_dp]

I can relate to how you feel. I hope that you are alright. Please take care of yourself.

[Roxi]

chasethislight, I can relate to everything you wrote Especially about freaking out regarding uni, or school in my case. thanks for the advice on setting goals- I think I'm going to do that tonight

I'm ok now though- had a relaxing bath and face-mask type thing and feel very refreshed- thanks for the kind words ash