- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The tension that i have will go, the muzzy-head will go, i will be able to focus and get on with things, i have so much to do and i need to get focussed, perhaps this will be the way i can get focussed and motivated. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
I will be able to move on and get on with stuff. But i will have broken my months of no-SI, and once i start again - will i be able to stop? - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't want to start SI again, i want to be able to get in control of my life without it, in two weeks time i will have passed the really stressful part of moving house. By not Si'ing i will prove to myself that i can deal with stressful situations by myself. But SI will enable me to deal with this situation and at the moment i really want the situation to ease. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
If i burn myself then the relief will last a long time because the pain lasts a long time. If i do it now the relief will probably last until after the stressful situation has gone. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could tidy my desk which will make me feel in control at work, i have written a 'to do' list, so i could start working through things slowly. Tonight i will clean the kitchen, so that i am more able to pack it up over the weekend. But i know that the stressfull situation is going to be around for the next two weeks and i dont know what else i can do...i feel like i am drowing with all the things that need to be done. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If i hurt myself it will mean i am more able to do all the things i need to do today, and then i will feel good tomorrow because i am in control. If i dont SI then i may not get everything done and that will make me feel lazy, dirty and a waste of space. SI will make me feel like i have cut through all of that and am back on track. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to burn - but i dont have anything with me to do that, i need to ensure that i dont go out at lunch time when i could be tempted to buy something, i need to just start working through my to do list. I am scared though cos i know that my will power is particularly low today.
Miffy
