Before (would it really be that bad?)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I don't know. I started to become anxious Thursday night because I knew I had to phone the public insurance office and my pdoc's office Friday morning. I don't like making "official" phone calls. But after I had made the calls, which was a pretty quick task, I didn't feel much relief, actually just felt worse as the day went on. Now Sunday mid day, I still feel like shit. I was handling my own and my boyfriend's meds this morning and felt very unsafe, but I think that was because I was already in a bad mood, most of the time I have no problem with having meds around.
  
  Could be just another mood swing, I have them all the time for no good reason. Which doesn't make me feel any better, just freakish.
  
  Thinking that if I cut, I don't need to OD which would be worse.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes, both in the feeling bad and not knowing why, and the wanting to cut to prevent worse actions.
  
  Sometimes I have been able to distract myself, soothe myself, ask for help from others, or occasionally use calming meds until the feelings pass. Then I would feel anything from totally ok to very disturbed just from knowing how bad it can get.
  Sometimes I have cut and felt anything from relieved to guilty to scared.
  Sometimes I have actually done things like OD, and felt this strange mix of guilt and calm. I knew I shouldn't have done it for the sake of other people, but I felt lighter because I had pushed the limit, I didn't have to fear something bad happening because I already made it happen.
  
  I'm not sure where I'm at right now.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I got up at 7 a.m. (sleeping too much can make me feel worse). Have done 1 hr of yoga and relaxation exercises, walked outside in the sunshine for 1 hr. Done some chores like grocery shopping and put a load of laundry in the machine. Called a friend who is going to call me back in a little while. Will bake some bread and have some (happy) movies I could watch.
  
  Have a T appointment tomorrow, I should try to tell him what's happening. Not that it will necessarily make me feel better, but maybe I will feel more obliged to act sensibly.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  A weight in my stomach. Tired but restless. Like my head is going to burst from all these thoughts.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Focused. Stronger. Angry. Free.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Probably another weird mix of guilty for being selfish and more contained and defined.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  since I don't know for sure what the stressor is. I can't avoid phone calls and I made them as planned and got the information I needed. I can't avoid handling meds and most of the time that's not a problem anyway.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  The best I can manage right now is to tell myself I can't do it now, I have to wait until Wednesday.

[LBC]

Hi Stellaria

I hate that feeling of being triggered an unable to pinpoint why...it's exhausting for me, and it sounds like it's very frustrating for you.

It sounds like you're using some good coping stategies to deal with it...are you able to talk about this with your boyfriend? Would he be able to handle your meds until you're feeling a little more settled?

I hope you're able to tell your t about what's going on...

Take gentle care.

[Stellaria]

Hi LBC, thanks for taking the time to reply.

I'm doing a lot better today, again for no special reason, just woke up much more relaxed and dark thoughts gone.

I can talk with b/f to some extent, I mean he is very supportive, it's just me that find it hard sometimes to open up, right now he has a lot on his plate and has to work a lot and I don't want him to feel like he should be at home babysitting me.

Anyway, I'm fine now.