Beforrrre

[Decrescendo]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? It won't but it will refocus my apin to something I created instead of something I can't control

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? A control over the intensity of what i feel; it will take away the lack of control I have over the situaton

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? What I really want is a stop/start switch on life, or a coma button I have complete control over. I don't want to die but I don't want to be. Hurting mself is a "happy" medium.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? Because I feel numb and ignored.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? I have, and I cut.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? It's too cold to run. I've taken sleeping pills to knock myself out but they have not kicked in.

* How do I feel right now? Restless

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Something, which is better than nothing

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? Probably disappointed as usual

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I want more than anything for this stressor to go away

* Do I need to hurt myself? No, I need to just cease being.

[dao]

I'm paying attention.

[Decrescendo]

Thank you so much.

[dao]