Before (bad dream)

[Stellaria]

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream about not being able to talk to people and ending up involuntarily commited, my T was involved and I felt betrayed and powerless. It was an extreme version of stuff I have experienced. Perhaps it's related to going through old papers the other day and finding and reading the court papers from a time I actually was involuntarily committed.
  
  I often think that my problems are all something I just made up, all fake, that if I just try to get a grip it will go away. Then I try and it doesn't go away, and I feel like a failure. I can't quite accept that it's a real situation, even when I go in and out of the psych ward a lot. I don't know why but I'm thinking about that this morning. Maybe it's part of why I want so much to hurt myself right now, wounds are real, not stupid invisible thoughts.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Bad dreams... sometimes I tell people like my b/f or T or write about it in my place, that can help put it in perspective and cool the feelings off and make me stop thinking about it.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I only slept 3 hours, I know I should sleep more but I'm wide awake. Got out of bed, sat down in front of the computer, have had a brief look at bus and spent some time on a trivia quiz board (you can compete against others or just test yourself on tons of subjects). Am having a cup of coffee (I'm a weirdo, coffee tends to calm me down).
  
  Guess there is enough stuff on the net to keep me busy for a while. I could read all the daily papers. Or do more quizzes. Go get my ipod and listen to music. Play some stupid game.
  
  Wish I could talk to someone IRL but it's still in the middle of the night. I should hang in there until b/f wakes up, that's still several hours away though.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Sad. Vulnerable. Angry at myself for not being normal.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Stronger. "They can't hurt me 'cause I did it to myself first" More numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Seriously, I don't know. Probably guilty for making b/f worried. Upset with myself for acting even more like a freak.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Hard to avoid bad dreams.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  Right now I feel like I'm not allowed to so I won't.

[caged bird]

hey,

I hope posting here helped a little? do you thin in future if you feel like that there is soeone you could call during the night, either wake your boyfriend or call a crisis/help line and chat to someone through that, sometimes just talking helps.

sounds lie you had a lot of good plans for things you could try, and are aware of things that impact on how you're feeling (such as only having a little bit of sleep). i hope things are easier today, fwiw i can relate a lot to the feelings of needing something to be real and feeling like things are made up.

xxx

[Stellaria]

Thank you caged bird for replying.

The worst of it passed and I didn't hurt myself, I'm reasonably ok right now.

Yes, I could wake my b/f up but I don't really want to do that unless it's extremely urgent, like if I'm acutely suicidal. Not that he would get angry, but he works a lot and has a health condition and needs his sleep. I would just feel more guilty for disturbing him. We don't have very many crisis lines that I know of, there's some for under 18's only, one that's only open evenings until midnight, one I think is open at night but gets too many calls to take them all, and then I believe you can talk to a priest through 112 but that would feel too weird. Maybe I will try the one that's open at night if I feel it's really needed, I don't know... But it helps some just to come here and write things out.