i have been on a binge for weeks with my diet
and its effecting my resistance to other things.
i have to eat well to have control over compul-
sive actions and every time i tell myself i won't
eat more things that trigger me, i turn around
and do it again. i don't understand why i can't
seem to stop doing this. it's just one compulsive
thing to another latley. i feel like i'm desperately
running away from something.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes i've been here many times. its part of a cycle.
do better, do worse. control things, get out of control.
over and over.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
well i decided to post here and try and make a good
start. i can already hear a voice inside of me saying
"no you won't." it's like a part of me doesn't want me
to succeed.
How do I feel right now?
sad, lonely, scared. hyper self-conscious because
i had a bad bout of eyelash pulling last night and
now i have almost no eyelashes on my right eye.
and i have to go out like that.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
it's an escape for the time being. a way to "zone
out."
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
like #$@#. angry, discouraged, in a worse mood.
ashamed.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i don't know exactly because i don't know why
i'm acting this way. well i kind of do. i want to
bury my head in the sand and escape. how will
i better deal with this intense desire to get away
in a healthy way - i don't know. i feel like i could
do it if i had money. i would go get a massage
and a manicure, something nice for me. i don't
know though i have some nasty feelings coming
up and i don't want to deal with them. when i
even think about it i feel like i want to drink to
numb out. i don't really know. but i'll try and
talk about it in therapy today. but that's risky
because if he doesn't understand or invalidates
me, i could be triggered toward more anger and
self destruction. so i think it might be better to
keep things on an even keel. i dunno.
Do I need to hurt myself?
no i never "need to." i don't think so anyway. it
feels like it sometimes though. i don't understand
what's happened to me. i use to care about things
so much. now i hardly feel excited. i mean, i can
get excited but it's not the exuberant feelings from
my youth. it seems like almost all of the things i
was so passionate about earlier in my life i don't
even care about anymore. i never would have
thought that would be how things end up.
