SA warning

[NoxNoctis]

Ok, I don't think I'm going to self harm, I've been without for a couple of months, but I don't want to risk it. And God only knows I want to. And I really need to get this out.

Last night I realized (and I am aware I am a friggen IDIOT for not realizing this before) that i was sexually abused by one of my older brothers when I was quite young. Nine, to be precise. Yes, it took me six years to connect the friggen dots. I won't go into details, but it wasn't anything major. He never raped me or hurt me, but when I realized it for what it was I was horrified.

I spent most of the day crying and cursing myself for being an IDIOT, and eventually one of my friends convinced me to go to a teacher we trust and talk about it. I cried and told them, and my teacher is going to help me get counciling. Despite the fact I had the epiphany the night before it wasn't until she was on the phone to the Sexual Assualt Resource Centre that it really hit me. I was abused.

I'm so goddamn MAD at myself! I wasn't a completely stupid kid, I should have known it wasn't right. I did know something was wrong but i didn't even try to stop him. Even the teacher I spoke to said she thought something like that might have happened, because I was always so angry and defensive.

I'm not mad at him. He was just a kid too. He probably doesn't even remember.

But I'm still so upset! It shouldn't effect me that much. It wasn't huge, or major. I just don't know what to do with myself. As soon as I'm not busy I'm hysterical. I feel like such an idiot!

I don't even know what I expected this post to achieve. God, this is so pathetic![/i]

[kittyfever]

Good job not self harming in months, you should be very proud.

You're not an idiot for not realizing you were sexually abused, you may have suppressed the memory all this time. But whatever the case, you're not an idiot. While you may feel you knew it was wrong, or were old enough to stop it, you were very young and should not blame yourself at all. You didn't now what was going on, and it's always harder to differentiate between right and wrong when you're young, and when the person who abuses you is a relative.

Depending on what the counselor says, maybe you should talk with your brother, maybe tell him how you're feeling.
I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm glad you're going to get some help for it. :grnstar:

[Artemisia]

yeah i'm with kitty. you're not an idiot. it's fantastic that you went to someone you trusted and that you've handled this in an effective way so far. From my experience i've found it best not to minimise the event, allow yourself to feel it. That doesn't mean that it becomes the soul defining moment of your life, it just means that you deal with whatever emotions come up as and when they arise. And that you posted here instead of resorting to si is something to be truly proud of.

[Flying Hippo]

Hey,

Would it help to read some basic stuff on repression? I could have a look for some easy to read information. Like understanding and being nurturing towards yourself during this time.

I was bullied to the point I moved schools. But I never thought of it as much once I left. Then a few years later something happened and I suddenly realised that x had happened and I was completely overwhelmed, scared, and really really angry too.

I was telling you that so that you know you're not alone. And it's ok to feel these emotions, but they are difficult for you to feel, and we're here to help you through it.

Would writing things down help? Like CBT Diagram, drew you, him, parents, and little arrows.

[P. S.]

*SA*



I very rarely post here, but I felt I should because I have had such a similar experience. I encourage you to keep in touch with your brother, to talk to him in some way, even if you aren't ready. You don't have to bring up what you remembered, but you should sort of "keep the line open". When I had my own experience, I lost touch with my brother completely because I was unwilling to face what had happened (legal matters also complicated things), and now I realize how hard I've made it for myself to cope with it, as it's been years since we've spoken.

Please, remember you are not at fault in any way. I hope it helps to know you're not alone.

[Licentia Poetica]

You're not an idiot, or stupid in any way. People naturally disengage themselves from traumatic experiences, and then sometimes recall them at a later time in their life.

I hope you can work through this and recover. Abuse is never your fault

[Quiet little Angel]

you're really not stupid for not realising it, but i understand that you might feel like that... i did too... it took me 11 years to figure out that i was abused by a girl from my class... it's a terrifying thing when you realise it all of the sudden, but i think you should be so proud that you told the teacher and that you're getting help with this...

the fact that he was a kid too doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it any less horrible for you. it's ok that you're freaked out by this and that it affects you, it should, if it didn't then i'd be worried.

*is around for pm's and support*

[WorkDaySarcasm]

the same thing happened to me and a 'older friend' at the time i didn't realize it...well i knew something wasn't right but it's not the thing you talk about so how could you know at the time? it properly struck me some months after a number of years repressing any memory of it, it reared it's ugly head at a time i should have been happy, in a new relationship. now i think about it and it's actually affected greatly mainly in sexual orientation. however i have still never revealed this secret to anyone irl. but you really shouldn't be so angry at yourself, it's wasn't your fault.