- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i won't be sad or anxious. i can act normal instead of being crazy. (crazy meaning about to burst into tears for no reason, wanting to sleep all day, not wanting to leave the house.) - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - a solution. a quick fix. a way to cope with my feelings
take - my 6wks of fighting urges and not si-ing. being able to express emotions healthily, like i may need in a t appt tomorrow. (after si i often get numb and find it hard to talk about things cos everything feels fine again and "under control") - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to keep fighting, and i suppose a slip is not necessarily an end to me fighting urges. it's probably more than that - si might be a way to let myself and others know i can't cope any more and if i si i will stop trying to force myself to cope. i don't know if forcing myself is a good thing, but i can use other ways of "not coping"? talking about it for one. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last a few days to a week. i will feel in control again, and be able to ignore my feelings. then i would either go back to regular si or start fighting it again. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i think i need to express and release my emotions. i might play sad or angry music, rip up some paper... finding it hard to come up with something that will work
i guess i just have to try it and see. i could also draw or write, do some housework, have a shower...? - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow if i hurt myself i will feel numb and powerful and strong and kind of "separate" from things. if i don't si i will likely be anxious and sad again, but maybe a little proud of myself for not giving in. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really really want to cut
i think i will set a time limit. if in 15min the various distractions don't help then i will let myself si. "letting myself" doesn't mean i will, cos i might be able to go another 15... the self protection against my feelings is not all that effective as i end up feeling them anyway. i hate being "at the mercy of" crappy emotions.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
overwhelming sadness that i feel powerless to stop unless i si. there's no trigger, i just woke up feeling this way. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes. i've tried going to bed for a little while. i slept and woke up feeling the same as before or worse. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i've written here, i've written in my place, i was going to ring my sister but it's too late and she'll be asleep. i need to sit with my feelings. i think writing stuff out i've still been trying to stop them instead of let them come out. i probably will play music, i can't think of anything else. - How do I feel right now?
sad, angry at the universe, angry that i'm not allowed to si (cos of myself and cos of ppl on bus), so tired of living on the edge. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i will be so calm and focused. i will have all the time in the world, and feel powerful, able to do anything. i will feel happy. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
satisfied, relieved, numb, smug.
tomorrow - reckless but controlled. (*su* like i might see fast traffic and think "fun, lets get run over" but i won't do it. or i might do it?) - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
the stressor is probably life. sure i can avoid life in the future by dying
"dealing with" it better though - i don't know. maybe starting with a new t will be helpful. - Do I need to hurt myself?
no. i still want to cos it will feel great, but i probably won't.