before: July 31, 2007

[the edge of the world]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  It won't... but I feel I deserve to be hurt. I will feel satisfied instead of disappointed with myself.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring satisfaction and might take away some self-respect.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to feel that I'm not pretentious and arrogant and unpleasant.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  It will last... I don't know, a while. And then... I don't know.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I'm going to the store with my mom. That will make me be in public. And it might give me some time to forgive myself.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will feel that I'm still the same bad person and a failure at life.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  
  I really want to hurt myself and apologize profusely to everyone I've been so horrible around and towards... except, I try to not apologize so much because I think it bothers people because I do so too often.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I emailed A and when she emailed me back, I started thinking that maybe she doesn't like me (not because of anything she said... just because... I often think people don't like me). Then I remembered a conversation I had with her about not going to Caltech when I was accepted there -- I said I felt bad rejecting them because they were rated the top school in the country... and then I realized how arrogant I sounded.... I decided not to go there, anyways........ Also, I talk badly about people sometimes. I don't like my bad qualities and think they make me unlikable. I'm not as close to anyone as they are to other people.... I feel very distant.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes, I have. Sometimes I look for reassurance, but... how can I believe people? I don't know... I just kinda wait until I feel better about myself or I try to do something really nice for someone.....
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I've come here. Now I'm going shopping with my mom.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Like I'm a bad person. Kindof lonely. Sad. Angry with myself for being so social incompetent.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Blanker.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I don't know
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I could avoid it by trying to be a better person. I don't know how to deal with it better.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No. bye, shopping

[caged bird]

hey edge,

Looks like filling out the questions helped somewhat to order things in your head.

I really want to hurt myself and apologize profusely to everyone I've been so horrible around and towards... except, I try to not apologize so much because I think it bothers people because I do so too often.

how do you think hurting yourself would help with the need to apologize? is it possible that although perhaps you feel like you've been horrible to, they don't see it the same way.

I said I felt bad rejecting them because they were rated the top school in the country... and then I realized how arrogant I sounded

fwiw i don't think that that sounds arrogant at all, i've had simialr issues with deciding whether to take jobs or not etc. i think it makes you sound confused, and unsure of yourself, but definitely not arrogant. now if you'd said - i think i'm better than them even though they're rated top and so i don't want to go thre, that would have been different.

Also, I talk badly about people sometimes.

ok maybe it's not a very nice thing to do, but i think we proabably all do it from time to time, it defineitly doesn't make you a terrible person.

I don't like my bad qualities and think they make me unlikable. I'm not as close to anyone as they are to other people.... I feel very distant

could it be that becasue you see your bad qualities as something that will make people not lie you, that is part of the reason thast you're distant from people. perhaps it would help to find a couple of people who you are prehaps more comfortable with and try to open up more to them, and trust that they are your friends and like you just the way you are.

hope shopping went ok and that you're feeling a little better now

[the edge of the world]

Looks like filling out the questions helped somewhat to order things in your head.

yes, it did

how do you think hurting yourself would help with the need to apologize? is it possible that although perhaps you feel like you've been horrible to, they don't see it the same way.

possible.. it would give me a way of apologizing to myself even though they don't want to hear an apology. I know they usually don't see it the same way... I just feel so guilty.

fwiw i don't think that that sounds arrogant at all, i've had simialr issues with deciding whether to take jobs or not etc. i think it makes you sound confused, and unsure of yourself, but definitely not arrogant. now if you'd said - i think i'm better than them even though they're rated top and so i don't want to go thre, that would have been different.

I guess you're right... I just felt like it was something I didn't need to tell anyone. I hated how my mom kept repeating that and it just popped out... and then I felt like it wasn't something that was important to me anyways -- it just felt like showing off by accident or something.

ok maybe it's not a very nice thing to do, but i think we probably all do it from time to time, it definitely doesn't make you a terrible person.

I have a lot harder time forgiving myself than other people.

could it be that because you see your bad qualities as something that will make people not like you, that is part of the reason that you're distant from people. perhaps it would help to find a couple of people who you are perhaps more comfortable with and try to open up more to them, and trust that they are your friends and like you just the way you are.

I don't know... I don't like opening up to people irl. I feel like I'm imposing things they don't want to hear. I only really do so if I feel it might make them feel less alone or something, and in that case I send them emails... as in the cases of a couple friends, but they aren't really the people I feel most comfortable around in person, so I end up thinking they hate me and don't like that I told them anything... I don't know. Socialness just confuses me

hope shopping went ok and that you're feeling a little better now

I did feel better, thank you for helping me look more closely at my thought/emotional processes