before

[Spidey]

<b>* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?</b>

the feeling will go away. at least temporarily. and it will be alright.

<b> * what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?</b>

bring: peace and calm. i won't have to feel such SHIT anymore. take away? nothing.

<b>* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?</b>

i just want it to end. =/ and i don't know about closer or farther. either seem too far away.

<b>* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?</b>

i don't know how long it will last. that will depend, really. i don't know what i'll do then. probably sleep. who knows. i'll figure it out then.

<b>* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?</b>

watch a live. it will change nothing except whether or not i si.

<b>* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?</b>

tomorrow? i'll be annoyed that i have to clean wounds and re-bandage, but i'll deal.

if i watch a live i will still feel the same way i do now, probably. (but relieved i didn't si)

<b>* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?</b>

:: shrugs :: i don't know. i don't want to si but i don't want to feel this way either.

<b>* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?</b>

i feel lost, alone, empty. like nobody gives a damn. absolutely fed up with myself and with my life. inertia. nothing is changing even though i am taking great pains to make it change. desperate. as if i am isolated from everything and everyone around me, as if i exist in an overturned mason jar that i pound on and everyone says "look at the moron pounding".

expendable.

i can't take it anymore. THAT. is what has brought me to the point where i am about to say "fuck it" and si.

<b>* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?</b>

not in a long, long while. and i si'ed. BADLY. i felt awful.

i'd prefer <i>not</i> to walk down that road again.

<b>* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?</b>

watched tm network double-decade tour dvd, slept, ignored the feeling, thought i could wait it out, listened to music.

i could watch diabolos or fragile live...

<b>* How do I feel right now?</b>

exhausted both physically and emotionally.

<b>* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?</b>

i usually don't feel.

<b>* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?</b>

better, afterwards. i'll be annoyed tomorrow.

<b>* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?</b>

i don't know.

<b>* Do I need to hurt myself?</b>

=/ i would rather not si. but. that's why i'm answering these questions.