Before (May 26th)

[Stripe]

Before You Self-Harm

I feel scared and angry. I am havign verry bad flashbacks. i had hoped my advocate would be able to help with the police thing, but she can't and advocacy have closed my case. i feel scared of being on Bus, and mistrustful of it. I feel low and shaky as I had a panic attack earlier, and I feel very suicidal and scared for my safety tonight.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  It will help me manage my suicidal urges so I may feel safer in that sense.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will make me feel safer, but my T will feel let down, after she told me I couldn't.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to be alive, if things can really change, but not if not, and I don't think hurting myself will affect that except maybe to make me feel less suicidal
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  The actual relief? Not long, but it will help the suicidal urges for longer
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could call a helpline, as my T advised, but that won't have much of an effect. I could also ask to speak to someone on Bus specifically about how I feel about the forum at the moment, and how I could feel safer here (that would be a more long term change and via PM (possibly it was recommended that I speak to a mod about this))
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  Probably pretty awful, if I SI, and better if I talk to someone on Bus, but the same if I call a helpline.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Really, I want to cut, and in some ways I think that may be my best option.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  In a sense, and I cut then, it made no real difference.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have posted in my place asking to be challenged with how I feel with this.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Low, scared, angry, betrayed, shameful, unclean, unwelcome, unwanted, unworthy, nasty.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Guilty as hell
• How will I feel after hurting myself?
  
  Better for a bit, then worse again probably
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't know really
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I do, and I don't, I really don't know.

[LBC]

Hi accused.victim

It sounds like the suicidal urges are getting to be a lot to handle for you. I stand by what I said to you earlier that it's better to self-injure than to suicide...but using the self-injury to cope with the urges is not an effective long-term strategy. And if you're really feeling like you're unsafe in terms of suicide, you need to tell someone, or get yourself to a hospital. You may not feel like it right now, but you're worth that.

I like that you've asked for challenges on your way of thinking right now. Have you looked at the Workshop forum? You'd be able to get some advice from a number of people over the long term on that forum about some of the issues you're working on.

But it's great that you're still coming here to analyze your immediate urges. You say that being on bus doesn't really make you feel safe right now...I'm glad that you're able to post here regardless, and encourage you to talk to an admin or a mod about what's making you feel unsafe. We're here to help. But are there some other coping strategies you could use besides bus for the moments that you really feel unsafe?

It's a good question to think about anyway, because very occasionally bus isn't available...power failures, server downtime, times when you don't have access to a computer or Internet...

Does that make sense?

Take gentle care.

[Stripe]

I wish I had more courage with regard for telling someone, but it is something that I find very difficult. The utreach team said that there wasn't much they could do, they aren't available at night, and you have to go to hospital, but there is a major relationship breakdown between me and my parents and I couldn't bring myself to go to hospital. Also, there is the feeling that other people - 'ill' people, deserve the help far more than I do.

I asked for challenges in my place, because I feel that I really need to rationally work things out, and challenging can help me with that. I asked for posting access in workshop, but it hasn't yet been granted I don't think. I may see if my request worked.

I am still coming here, because, and I know that this is awful, but it is the only place I have to use. Despite it not feeling properly safe, in the end, it is safer than anything I feel I have offline, so it is my best option. I am trying to develop other coping strategies, and working on that, however, that is something I would need some support in doing I think. And yes, our home internet is pretty rough, so I do need to find ways other than using Bus to get through the tough times.

Thank you very much.

I am not going to fill in an after, as I don't feel like it would be that helpful, but I did cut, they are safe, and I do regret it.
Next time, I will call someone, post on bus, and read, before doing anything, in an effort to manage the urges better.

[LBC]

Hi Pagmie (I think I read somewhere that it's okay to call you that?)

I understand your reasons about not wanting to seek help...but if you're suicidal and you're really feeling that you can't keep yourself safe, you really do need to tell somebody. The people in your life who love you would be devastated if something happened to you.

Here's a thread from Sourcebook with some emergency numbers for people in crisis:

http://buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=17052

It's not awful that this is the only place you feel you can use - bus is here to be used. I see you using it very constructively. I look forward to reading your posts in Workshop!

And if you are wanting to develop some more IRL support systems, tell your outreach worker - that's something (s)he should be able to help you with.

As for the slip - each day's a new day, right? You're learning from your slips, that's the main thing.

Take gentle care.

[Stripe]

Indeed it is

It odesn't feel at the moment that anyone would be devestated but at the same time, I know I have altered perception at times like this.

Thank you for the phone numbers...
Sadly the only usefull freefone number is to an organisation - Childline - that I don't wrk brilliantly with, but never mind.

And yes, I feel I need to use it constructively, and have great aims for my work in workshop

I will be telling my outreach worker that I need more support when I see them tomorrow.

Thanks...

Pagmie