habituated

[kryzl.g]

Hi,
I'm not really sure where what kind of posts go on these boards yet, but I've got a question or at least an observation about myself.

For a long time I actively tried to quit SI, but bigger and bigger schemes, and situations which I would set up gradually failed me, and I've noticed in particular this year, I've tried to really quit a few times... but, I've almost just put it on the back burner. It's like, "yes, you need to get rid of that, but that's not going to happen here, it hasn't in the last three years, you'll have to wait till you're in a new situation to change, in the meantime, try not to, but well, things happen". By "here" I mean college, it's senior year, and I think I've reverted to SI a lot as a stress coping mechanism and as procrastination for my senior project.

I'm not sure if this is an accurate self-evalutaion. There are still plenty of times when I've SI-ed with malicious feelings towards myself, but I think the majority of the time this year, it's just been habit. A lot of the time I think the negative thoughts haven't been there or at least not in a strong form; it's almost like I've been treating it as something that "just happens". Which isn't acceptable, if I really give up on quitting then... I don't want to live with this forever. Part of it is that I think the "habit" times are significantly shorter and usually less harmful than the "malicious" ones, but not always, and it's just, how did I get to a point where I would just accept it as part of my everyday life?

What does it mean though, if I do this to myself without thinking? I know there must be something negative towards myself going on if I'm treating myself like this, but what does it mean when I'm not thinking about what a "horrible" or "worthless" person I am when I'm doing this, when instead I'm not thinking about anything in particular? Not thinking at all? Or even thinking about normal, maybe even things I should be thinking about (ie. school projects, plans, etc)? My actions are so mechanical, I don't have to think at all... what does that say about the behavior? Does that say anything or is it a simple consequence after 10 years that I don't need to think to do this, that it's just a well-trained reflex?

Thank you.

(And please let me know if this belongs on a different board.)

[Licentia Poetica]

SI is habit-forming, yes. You use it as a coping mechanism. But tbh, regular, happy people don't cut themselves.

Maybe if you tried looking at your feelings whilst you're SI'ing? Write down what you're thinking.

Oh, and welcome to coping