Trigger Happy

[kurdt_kobain]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It'll allivate the feelings in my head that are making it impossible to focus on anything but self-injury right now. By doing that, I'll be able to finish my work and not want to self-injure later, angry that I couldn't do it.



what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It'll bring clarity. I feel like a failure, kinda staticy and just worthless. And if I self-injure, I'll feel a lot more clear-headed and I'll be able to do this assingment.
I don't know if it would take away anything. It feels like such a good choice right now.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel okay in the long-run, but it's not going to happen. Honestly, I don't care about it right now. Self-injury isn't going to make me feel like a failure. It's not going to make me feel weak. It'll make me clearer and more able to deal. And I have to get my work done and I can't right now.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It'll be long enough to finish this shit. And once I do that, if I can't focus again, I'll self-injure again to be able to do it. I don't know. I don't know. I HAVE to get this shit done and I can't do it because I keep thinking that I suck so bad because I lost my Science Lab and I'm just....ARGH. And all I can think about is blood and skin and blades.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I'm filling this out. I'm trying to do my work.
It's not working. I just really think I need to do it.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I'll feel better tomorrow if I hurt myself. I love it as long as no one sees. When people see, I feel ashamed. But no one will catch me. And I'll feel clearer and better.
If I do the other thing, I'll feel okay too...but the next trigger is just going to bring back these feelings again and I'll probably SI worse.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to SI right now. I'm best honoring that by, oh, fuck, okay. Here's what I'll do. It's 7:48. If I still want to SI at 7:55, I'll do it. But I'm going to work on this shit until then.
The problem is, I'm writing a conclusion for a lab I LOST. And I don't know if I'm doing it right because I lost it. And if I can't find it, I'm going to fail. So working makes me feel worse.

Hah. I'm sfkajslkfjas.

[balletomane]

Hi Kurdt. I just wanted to let you know that I read. I hope the situation with the lab turned out okay.