After (comments welcome)

[pluginbaby]

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yup, all plastered/steristripped up.

* what had happened just before?

Nothing. I was just alone in my room

* what were you thinking and feeling?


Feeling low, numb, hopeless

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I knew I was going to do it tonight. I'd been thinking about ut all day I knew it was going to happen, I just knew if I could get through the day then I would "reward" myself with SI.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.


As I said, I knew it was going to happen. I got new tools and used them. There was no final straw. It was pre planned.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Nope...I just felt crap. I know that sounds like a rubbish excuse, but I've been feeling so low for the last few days and I dont see what else I can do.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?


I didnt try anything else.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

I should have not let myself become so resigned to the fact that it was going to happen.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Tell myself that just because i want/need to do it, doesnt mean that I have to
Put it off until tomorrow, and keep doing that.


* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?


I stillf eel bad, I just feel a bit more in control

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?


Ive been in this place for days now. Maybe even weeks. I'm just getting worse and worse and SI helps me gain some control back over my feelings.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.


Phone a crisis line.
Throw tools away
Go to bed and cry.


About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.


* What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

I just didnt know what else to do. I felt so low and Si helps. I want to stop but at the moment it's one of my coping mechanisms and I cant cope with my feelings without it.

* Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?


I made it. I locked my door, got tools out and just did it. Have been thinking about it all day.

* What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?


Thats a tough question because there's always an opportunity. I guess if I was around people, I'd have put it off, but I'd still have done it.

* If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?


It wasnt an urge as such, just something I knew I was going to do. I guess if I'd had no tools I would have put it off until tomorrow.

* What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
All of the above

* If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

the same really. It wasnt a spur of the moment thing. It was something I was going to do no matter what. If I really couldnt have done it today, I'd have done it tomorrow.

[Wandering]

Hey!

I knew I was going to do it tonight. I'd been thinking about ut all day I knew it was going to happen, I just knew if I could get through the day then I would "reward" myself with SI.

Glad its not just me who does that! I have a bad habit of letting the urge build up and up, then I decide on a time to do it, and when I get to that time I SI whether I need to or not. It sounds like you made a choice to do it at that point, but you would have been able to wait another hour/night/day etc if you'd wanted to try. (I don't mean that in a nasty way at all, I know how it can seem pointless continuing to resist it when you feel it's inevitable) But if its possible to wait for another hour or day or however long, then why not wait that extra amount of time, until you can't manage to not SI? You've said that you still feel bad, despite cutting, so it suggests it might be better to try other options.

There's a huge list of coping methods (in Coping or Sourcebook, can't remember which) - why not print that off and work your way through them when you feel bad. Maybe note down which ones help at all.

You can do this, there are ways to feel better other than through SI.
Take care, Andi x

[pluginbaby]

Thanks for your reply. You're right, SI is not helping at all. I just dont know what else to do when i feel so hopeless. I will try and find that list of coping strategies and see what I can use tonight, because I feel that i'm going to SI tonight as well. It's become a nasty little habit that I cant shake off. Survive the day, cut, go to bed.

Am seeing my psych tomorrow, so will talk all this through with her. I cant go on as I am, I just hope she'll be able to help me.