before (i refuse to let there be an 'after')-replies welcome

[southsider]

SI/SU trigs. Not graphic.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It won't. Well, it won't change for the better, anyway. I'll feel even worse about myself. I'll feel worse about myself, worse about my coping skills, worse about the stuff that's bothering me. cutting isn't going to make me feel better about the stuff that happened to me, cutting isn't going to make my dad's illness go away, cutting isn't going to help me make decisions. and suicide is absolutely, positively not the answer. where did those thoughts come from? i don't feel *that* kind of rage towards myself anymore, but as soon as i started feeling hopeless today, those thoughts came back. :/

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
In short, it'll make me feel worse. it'll take away the immediate anxiety and pain and grief, but it won't make the long-term situations stop.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel strong. i want to feel capable and strong and whole and not manipulative and proud that i've overcome these things. SI will make me feel worse, more of an abject failure, more like i'm broken and starting from square one. i'll feel more distant from the people i love than i do now-- most of them have never SI-ed.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it's not the best option. not by any stretch of the imagination.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i can cry, i can write, i can continue to post here, i can stay up all night doing arts and crafts, i can call one of my friends, i can draw on myself. Every one of these will help me get this poison out of me, but won't make me end up feeling worse about myself afterwards, like SI would. how long will it last? i think it will last until i start feeling overwhelmed again.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i'm positive that i'll feel much worse tomorrow if i SI.
it's a question of overriding that automatic (SI) impulse.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
honestly? i want to go to sleep. i'm exhausted and i know that getting sleep will help me feel better tomorrow.

[balletomane]

How are you feeling now?

It sounds like you have a good list of alternative coping strategies. Did you end up using them, sleeping, or doing something else altogether?

[southsider]

How are you feeling now?

It sounds like you have a good list of alternative coping strategies. Did you end up using them, sleeping, or doing something else altogether?

i felt much better in the couple days after this incident. I talked to one of my good friends about it the next day, and my therapist the day after that.

i ended up falling asleep about fifteen minutes after I posted this . I'm glad for that, too, since it helped my mood and made me more ready for work the next day.

thanks for your support. <3