after (microsue)

[microsue]

How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.



Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
--i think so.

If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
--i was feeling very guilty about writing a letter that hurt my dad very badly. and rotten about the abuse issues the letter was about. those feelings? guilt, anger, seems like a lot of mixed-up feelings.
figuring them out was pretty obvious--the urges got very bad right after a session with my t in which we talked about the abuse and i told him about the letter. (i had never, in over 20 years of therapy, told anyone about that accursed letter.)

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
--journaled, listened to music that made me cry, got comfort from Gizmo, my dear little dog, talked to Crisis, tried the bus chat room, posted on felo and here, pm'd with a bus friend and with various people from felo and Before & After, called my t (3x), stopped eating, tried very minor si (i was told i can't say what it was), isolated, went to have minor surgery (sedated)(but canceled due to infection at the last minute, before they knocked me out), doubled my prescribed doses of methadone and morphine to knock myself out.

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
--good: journal, music, Gizmo, Crisis, calling t, posting, pm'ing
--bad: minor si, isolating, OD, not eating (former anorexic), pm'ing (i got a slap from a moderator that i totally overreacted to)
--indifferent: chat room, canceled surgery
i think i should have been able to find something more effective, as i came so close to serious si and/or su

If No - What coping skills got me through?
--mostly calling t and posting & pm'ing.
--in addition, keeping in mind expected disastrous consequences.

Why do I think they worked?
--processed slightly; realized people (including t & si-ers) care.
--knew consequences were totally unacceptable.

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
--go slower with t on these particularly difficult issues so we have time to process more before we're out of time.
--start coping measures immediately, as soon as i know there's a problem.
--don't overreact to what feels like abuse, when i'm dealing with abuse issues (and any overreacting due to issues)

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Wandering]

Good on ya for working through it.

i think i should have been able to find something more effective, as i came so close to serious si and/or su

So what other things are you going to try next time, and how are you going to remember to do them? (there's a huge list of coping skills if you're short of ideas )

Good luck, Andi x

[microsue]

So what other things are you going to try next time, and how are you going to remember to do them? (there's a huge list of coping skills if you're short of ideas )

thanks for writing, Andi.
my "stock list" of things to do when i feel like si-ing, that Karl, my t, and I have worked out that i have found helpful, are: 1) journal--a lot; 2) listen to music that's not too triggery for me; 3) get comfort and "support" from my dog Gizmo; 4) try the bus chat room; 5) call Crisis and talk to Don or Brett, the graveyard counselors whom i have found most helpful; and 6) call Karl, my t, preferably not in the middle of the night, but he'd prefer i call him rather than si.
now i feel i would probably phase out the chat room, as that is usually minimally helpful, and replace it with Before & After and felo, and possibly eventually with my own thread.
the first list is pretty well ingrained; i'm committed to always doing those things before si-ing. (well, i'm also committed not to si, but that's another aspect.) i think i can easily remember to use the Forums, as i found them so helpful this time.
as far as finding new coping strategies, i'm obviously working on that with my t. i've looked at (started looking at) the huge list of coping skills, but frankly i find the list quite daunting. i'd prefer to go back to it sometime when i'm relatively stable to see what sounds promising. the usual lists i have seen i have not found helpful--i've tried them all. but the huge list may have suggestions i find helpful.

thanks for some good questions.
microsue