my coping space

[angelic212]

Love Your Body, Love Yourself:

12 ways to improve your body image and self-esteem


by Cheryl Rainfield



Most of us, especially girls and women, are assaulted with negative messages about our bodies on a regular basis by magazines and newspapers, advertisements, "well meaning" family members, peers, and even friends. We're shown computer-manipulated images of the "perfect" body—a body that is not natural for the vast majority of us, and can only be obtained through self-abuse and starvation.

Survivors of child abuse or trauma have an added layer of negative messages through the very act of abuse. In trying to survive the abuse, many survivors disconnect from their bodies. Many women also this—to a lesser extent—in reaction to the negative messages we receive about our bodies. It becomes almost second nature to criticize our bodies, separating ourselves from our bodies, and seeing ourselves as objects or parts of a whole. Criticizing our bodies can lead us to hate ourselves and abuse our bodies.

Women come in lots of different shapes and sizes, and this diversity is just not reflected in the media. It's hard to feel good about ourselves when we don't see ourselves reflected back. How we feel about our bodies affects how we feel about ourselves. So it's important that we embrace our bodies, and find ways to love our bodies—and ourselves.

Finding ways to love our bodies can be hard. Many women feel overwhelmed by trying to change how they feel about their bodies, or don't know where to start. Below are a few suggestions about things you can do to reclaim your body. Some suggestions will feel easier for you, and will work better for you than others. That's okay; you don't have to do everything here. Find the suggestions that work for you, and leave the rest.

Try not to weigh yourself, or try not to weigh yourself often, as this can increase critical thinking about your body, and add to body discomfort. Instead, focus on how you want to feel in your body—strong, mobile, energized, etc. What you weigh has nothing to do with what kind of person you are, or whether your body deserves your love and compassion.

Try becoming more present in your body, more inside your own skin. Take a deep breath and feel your feet on the floor, your bum on the chair, the way your ribcage moves as you breathe. Really notice how you feel. Try to eat mindfully—notice the food in your mouth, the flavour and texture, how it feels when it goes down your throat and into your stomach.
You may want to take a meditation or tai chi class, or try exercising or stretching, and noticing how you feel in your body. Being connected to your body can help diminish the distance that allows you to criticize your body, or see it as other.

Surround yourself with positive images of women that reflect the different sizes and shapes women are. It's important to have images that reflect the reality of women's different sizes and shapes, and that shows the beauty of those different sizes and shapes. To change the way you see your body, it's important to see different images of women's bodies, not the unrealistic images that the media presents us with. For example, the affirmation cards I created reflect that diversity. You can download the free screensaver here, or buy the affirmation cards here.

As well, try to limit the number of negative messages you receive about your body. This means keeping away from many fashion and "women's" magazines, and advertisements. (There are some great magazines out there, for both girls and women, that promote positive self-image and healing messages. Try one of them!) Try reading magazines and book that make you feel good about who you are, instead of magazines that try to diminish you or make you panic so you run out and buy a product. You may also want to tape TV shows and fast forward the ads, or turn off the sound and not watch while they are playing. And if there are people who repeatedly give you negative messages, try talking to them about this, or finding ways to ignore them or to counteract their messages inside your head.


Find and wear clothes that compliment the body size and shape you have, not the body size or shape that you want. Wearing clothes that fit your body type, that you are comfortable in, and that make you look good, can help you feel good.
External beauty is not about body size. Any body size can look beautiful, and many women that society would label "beautiful" have major issues and hang ups about their bodies. External beauty is more about how we carry ourselves, and how we feel about ourselves. And true beauty, the beauty that matters the most, is the beauty of our souls.

Participate in activities that you enjoy—dancing, walking, yoga, making pottery, flying a kite, cooking. Feel the joy in your body when you do something that feels good. Try to include something that keeps your body active and that you enjoy, at least once a week. Exercise can help your body and emotions feel better.

Remember a moment when you were a child, when you felt good about your body, or a part of your body, no matter how small that moment was. Really remember how good you felt. Try to recapture that feeling in things you do now. Did you love how your body felt, so free and alive, as you ran across a field? Run to the bus stop, feel the wind against your face, really be in the moment. Or go running in a park on the weekend or at lunch. Did you love the feeling of snuggling under a warm blanket on a cold night, or sipping a cold drink on a hot one? Make time for that, and try to be present in your body, enjoying the sensation.

Make sure you get safe touch that feels good. Hold hands with a child, a friend, your lover. Ask for a hug or give one. Ask your lover to stroke your hair or gently touch your face. Lean against your friend. Safe touch is a way to nurture your body and your emotions—and it can help you feel good about yourself and your body. There have been lots of studies that show we need positive physical touch; it's part of staying healthy.
Treat your body gently, the way you would treat someone you love. The way we treat ourselves can impact how we feel. Let yourself have those extra few minutes in bed in the morning, or linger over a cup of tea. Have a hot relaxing bath or shower, spend calm moments in nature, get a massage, use essential oils or natural creams that make you feel good. Really pamper yourself, and notice how you feel in your body as you do so.
Pay attention to an area of your body that you like, and focus on that for as long as you can. This can be something as small as your nose, or as large as your whole body. Look at that part of your body, touch that area of your body gently, and let yourself see its beauty. Think of that area of your body often, with pride or good feeling, and gradually try to increase the amount of your body that you like.
Make a list of all the ways your body has helped you, and thank your body. This can be something like being grateful for the way your body's kept you healthy, the way your body runs when you ask it to, the way your body's given you pleasure, or how your body helped you survive your childhood. Try to thank your body in a heartfelt way, and really notice and appreciate it.

Listen to what you're saying to your body through your thoughts, and give yourself some compassion. Try really listening to yourself for a whole day, or for time that you're in the company of others. You'll probably find you criticize and put down your body a lot more than you thought you do. If you catch yourself being negative, criticizing your body, putting your body down, take note of that, and then try to give yourself compassionate, loving messages about your body. If you have trouble doing this, try to imagine a friend with you, looking at you with love in her or his eyes. What would she or he say about your body?
As often as possible, try to give yourself deliberate positive messages about your body—messages that counteract the negative ones you give yourself or are given, and messages that celebrate your body. Even if you don't believe them at first, keep saying them. Repeated often enough, they will eventually sink in. Affirmations are a good way to give yourself those positive messages.


Listen to what you're saying to your body through your actions, and give yourself compassion. For instance, do you treat your body roughly (bumping into things often, drying your body roughly after a shower); ignore your body (not going to the bathroom when you have to, not get yourself something to drink when you're thirsty)? Try to listen to your body, and what it needs. Notice the ways you aren't being gentle with your body. Then try to imagine your body as the child you once were, or a child you love. Would you treat a child that way? You don't deserve to be treated that way, either.
Remember that people love you for who you are and how you act, not for what your body looks like. True friendship and love come from how we are with others, what we share with them about ourselves, and the way we are inside—not how we look. You deserve to love your body, and to feel good about your body—and yourself.



copyright Cheryl Rainfield, 2004.

[angelic212]

What to Do When You're Feeling Down


by Cheryl Rainfield



Depression can be debilitating, and painful to endure. Once depressed, it is easy to keep spiraling further down. But there are many things that can help when you're feeling down, even if only a little—and a little may be all you need to shift into a better place.

Here are a few suggestions:
Pay attention to how much you're doing—the tasks you give yourself, the work you have to get done, the energy you give to others—and set aside some time that is just for yourself.


Put some uplifting essential oils on your face, chest, neck, wrists, and arms. Some uplifting essential oils are bergamot, geranium, basil, grapefruit, orange, and any other citrus essential oil.


Write about what is bothering you. Go as deep as you can. When you're finished, get rid of the paper. Mail it to someone who will listen. Burn it. Fold it up and put it somewhere else. Imagine as you do this that you are letting go of everything that was bothering you.


Get some distance from the painful emotion using this technique: Name the feeling—depression, or hopelessness, or whatever the feeling is. Picture the feeling in your mind as a word or image, and, while naming it, take a step back from it in your mind. Then do that again—name the feeling, and take another step back. You may want to visualize yourself actually stepping back from the emotion. Do this until you feel some relief from the emotion.


Connect with another person. Call up a friend, your partner. Make a plan to meet them for coffee, for lunch. Ask for a hug. Tell them about whatever is bothering you—or listen to what is bothering them. Or go for laughter and fun, whichever feels better. Sometimes just connecting with someone you care about is enough.


Go someplace different from where you are right now; physically change your environment. If you're indoors, go outdoors. If you're outdoors, go indoors. Take a walk. Go for a drive. Get yourself out. Sometimes changing your physical location can create a shift in mood.


Play some uplifting or comforting music. Let the sound envelop you. Move with the music or sing along.


Let go of some responsibility, or whatever it is that is weighing you down. Give yourself permission to not deal with it or to not think about it for the next hour, the next day, the next week. Give yourself permission to relax.


Give yourself a treat. Buy yourself something small, read that magazine you've been waiting to read, watch that show or movie that you've been wanting to watch.


Eat a food that gives you comfort, or that brings back that feeling of childhood safety.


Take a nap break. Curl up under a soft blanket, and let yourself take a break from the world.


Get a hug or a long embrace. Hugs, and good safe touch, are an important part of feeling loved and lovable, happy and healthy.


When you're in a good emotional space, make a list of things that make you feel good or happy—taking a walk through the trees, sitting near the water, taking a warm shower, playing cards with a friend, reading a good book. Then go through that list when you need to.


Find something that makes you laugh. Do you have a comedy show or movie you like? Is there a cartoon strip or joke site that makes you grin? A book that makes you laugh out loud? How about a game that can make you giggle? Laughter can bring an upsurge of happiness.


Write out positive, loving messages to yourself. Read them over many times, and try to let the messages in.


Allow yourself to let go of the hard feelings for now. You may think you have to stay in that place, or that you'd be disloyal to the part of you that feels this way. Or you may find that depression or pain is something you feel more comfortable with because you've known it for so long. You can always come back to these feelings if you need to explore them some more, or learn from them. It's healthy and healing to let these feelings fade into the background, so you can take a break from them, and find some comfort.


Ask yourself what you need. Often we have the answers right inside us.
Even if you don't think you have the energy to do any of these things, pick a few that appeal to you the most, and try them out. You may find they help you shift into a lighter mood. Even if the shift is a small one, or only lasts for a short while, it can make it that much easier to get back to that lighter place next time. And if you turn to such methods often enough, you may find they become habit—finding your way back to a place that feels good.



© Cheryl Rainfield, 2003
All rights reserved.

[angelic212]

Notice the Small Things That Make You Happy


by Cheryl Rainfield



Have you smelled a flower lately? I mean really smelled one. Stood there and took in the scent as it courses through your body, looked at its delicate petals, its colour and shape, and felt its beauty and the calmness. Have you noticed the things around you—the things that you find beautiful, comforting, or reassuring? Really noticed them, not just noticed them on the edge of your consciousness. Sometimes, in our rush to get things done, we forget to notice the things around us that make us feel good. Those things blur in the background of all the other things in our lives—the more pressing, irritating things. But it's things that give us beauty, comfort, and joy that can help rejuvenate us, can give us more energy and happiness. And it's so easy to forget that.

For instance, I have a painting in my study of a young child swimming through the ocean. It seems like the child is flying, and when I look at it, it makes me smile. But I haven't looked at that painting—really looked at it, taken in the whole picture and let it buoy up my spirits—for months. I've been too busy getting work done. But I took a few minutes today to look at it—and it worked for me the same as it always does. It made me feel good. Just a tiny thing—something that takes so little effort, but brings so much reward.

What little things do that for you in your life? Feeling the warm sun on your skin? Seeing fluffy clouds in the sky? Hearing your favorite song? Being hugged by your best friend? Eating an ice cream cone? Splashing through the water? Blowing bubbles? Listening to the sound of rain on a roof? Remember to take time out and notice the things that make you feel good. It can make a huge difference in how you feel.



copyright Cheryl Rainfield, 2003.

[angelic212]

i feel more positive now.

tonight i posted in my coping space some coping info and i put it into practice.

i used my coping box tonight

i wrote 10 positive affirmations

watched a movie (aquamarine)

i spend my day just relaxing watching movies.

made a colorful beaded bracelet, and im going to take a picture of it and post it either here in my coping space or in my place thread.

i hugged my teddy bear to make me feel safe.

these are the things i did to help me cope tonight

[angelic212]

i had a really rough night last night,

i had to take an anxiety medication cause i had a really bad anxiety attack.
after i took the medication , i watched a movie in my ipod video. and i had a snack and then i fell asleep around 2am
it was my birth day yesterday but had a really rough night , do to a certain comment yesterday.

i had therapy today, i was so emotionally tired after therapy , i had lunch with my mom and then after lunch i fell asleep on the sofa in the tv room with my stuffed anima that my niece gave me for my bday its like the size of a pillow so i used my stuffed animal as a pillow.

i woke up after 2 hours, but with a really bad dream, then i went to my parents room, i talked to my mom and then my dad came home but since my parents had to go out tonight, i fell asleep again, for another 2 hours and a half, i was so emotionally tired today, but now im feeling a bit better.

My plan for tonight is the following:

watch 2 disney movies
shrek 2, and the parent trap (they are
both disney movies) i like disney
movies

do some art work to post in the expressions board going to use finger paints,
they help me with my anxiety

have some tea and write in my journal

go to sleep

well im off to watch my movie now.
i will try to post more later

[angelic212]

well , i didnt get to watch my movies,
my parents came home tonight, and they took me to the store cause today i was feeling really depressed and they bought me some stuff for my coping box,

a new box of 32 crayola crayons, some oil pastels, some chalk pastels, colored pens,
different colored permanent markers , some blank dvds, and some glue sticks for my collages and stuff,

now its almost 1am and im not a bit sleepy at all,

my doggie is throwing up. i dont know what to do. this happens when he drinks water.


well im going to do some art work now and watch a movie, im going to watch the movie shrek2

[Candy]

I hope you are doing ok,I just wanted to let you know that I care and I hope you are doing ok. take care and have a good night
Candy

[angelic212]

thanks Candy.

im doing much better now.

im feeling better,

i think i will stay up late to watch some movies and do my art work

[angelic212]

well , since yesterday i took a very long nap, cause i was so emotionally tired yesterday;
i couldnt sleep last night, so i watched the movie shrek 2 and then listened to my ipod.
i did a few drawings and im going to upload them in my computer so i can post them in the expressions board.

im glad that today is friday; today im going to try and relax, and i will do art work today , i reallyy enjoy doing art work, and im also going to finger paint. i didnt finger paint last night but today i will spend some time in my balcony at home and just sit there and do my art work while listening to music.
i havent done that in a long time. and i know that it will help me ,

today im just going to take it easy and relax, but i will do some art work. i got a possitive comment about my art work in the expressions board and i was told to do some more art work to post it there. so im going to do that. it made me feel good and happy about my art work.

im thinking of going swimming today but not really sure, i dont really feel like going swiimming today, i want to jump on my small trampoline for a while to get some exercise done today.

oh im going to look for free coloring pages that i can print out and make myself a homemade coloring book.
so thats going to be a project for me today.
and i will color today also.

well bye everyone i hope that you all have a good weekend.

[Candy]

I was reading your board and they sound like good and positive things to do,and I will try them,to bad you can not post some of your coping skills to my board,if you can,could you,it is up to you. I am having a rough time,and if you read my post you will see why. I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing.take care of yourself and I will check in on you later.
Candy

[angelic212]

well , not doing that well today, im struggling with my eating disorder.

but i talked to my therapist and it made me feel a bit better i guess.

im going to use my coping skills, and try and cope in a healthy way.
i made myself some lunch , i ate my lunch just now , i m fighting the urge to purge right now. havent purged in so long , and i dont want to go back to day one again.
but its so tempting, im going to do my best to not purge.


im going to take a shower now and get dressed im still in my pjs.
just painted my finger nails and toe nails bright pink.
my favorite color.

after i take a shower im going to watch some tv or a dvd, not sure.

i feel so bad right now.

i need to do something. i need something to help me stay distracted.

[Candy]

I am sorry that you are not doing good,remember that you are not alone,I am here for you and I care,and we need to support each other and stay safe. I got your information that you posted on my coping board and I printed it off. hang in there and remember that I am always here for you,please take care. Here is a hug from me to you: take care.
Candy

[angelic212]

well i discovered something that helps me with my anxiety.

what helps me with my anxiety is to draw with oil pastels or do any kind of art work, and just concentrate on my art work,

another thing that helps me with my anxiety is to hug my stuffed animal that my niece gave me for my bday, its almost as big as a pillow.


also drinking tea helps me with my anxiety too.

[angelic212]

im doing pretty well tonight!
for like the first time in a long time.

i even went out with my mom today the whole afternoon and i got back around 7pm .

tomorrow im going to the mall with my best friend.
kind of anxious abouut it , i dont really like public places, large area places and open spaces with lots of people, i get anxiety attacks.
and i start to dissociate ,
i hope that this wont happen tomorrow.

im going to take with me , a small hello kitty stuffed animal, its kind of like a key chain actuallyy but its a stuffed hello kitty
and that makes me feel safe.

well im going to be on the computer for a while and then watch a movie, and go to sleep. or try to go to sleep early tonight , my friend is picking me up at 10am
s o i have to have some time to get ready, i need to pick out my clothes for tomorrow.

well bye for now,

i will try to post more later

[Candy]

I hope you have a great night and you are soo lucky to have a Hello Kitty key chain. Where did you get it from? I can not find any around here. I am doing ok,just feeling kind of anxious. Write back when you can and take care of yourself.Are you going to try to get on yahoo instant messager? Just was wondering. How do you get pictures put on your board like that below where you write? I have tired and I can not do it. Have a good night,I am here for you
Candy

[angelic212]

tonight im struggling. struggling with eating disorder issues.

i just hate all of this, im not coping today.
im not coping well.

ED is like SI;

todayy im going to tryy and make a relapse prevention plan; cause i think im slipping , i feel kind of stuck right now. and i feel frustrated with myself.
i know what i have to do to help myself. but the thing is i just dont use my coping skills,

there must be a way i put them into use, when the urges hit,
or before the urges hit.

[angelic212]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

How do I feel right now?

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Do I need to hurt myself?

[angelic212]

Personal Responsibility Checklist:

Ultimately, you are responsible for your own recovery. Your checklist is the way you learn to be accountable to yourself.

Am I doing my best to keep myself safe?
Am I surrounding myself with supportive people?
Am I trying to listen to healthy advice from supportive people?
Am I asking for what I need?
Am I getting what I really need by restricting/purging/binging?
Am I expressing how I really feel?
Am I doing the best I can right now?
Am I being honest with the support people in my life?
Am I being honest with my therapist?
Am I being honest with myself?
Am I asking for more help if I need it?

[Candy]

I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and you can pm me or write to me anytime,with my e-mail address that I gave you. Just wanted to let you know that I was worry about you and I care about you. I am here for you,you are a good friend
Candy

[angelic212]

some coping altnernatives i found



deep breathing
relaxation techniques
call a friend, your therapist or a crisis line
try not be be alone (visit a friend, go shopping, etc.)
take a hot bath
listen to music
go for a walk
write in a journal
wear an elastic around wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm yourself
some people find it helpful to draw red lines on themselves with washable markers instead of cutting themselves
hold ice cubes in your hands - the cold causes pain in your hands, but it is not dangerous or harmful (some people find it relieves the urge to harm themselves for that moment)
punching a bed or a pillow (when nothing but a physical outlet for your anger and frustration will work).
scratch draw a picture on a thick piece of wood or use a screw driver and stab at the piece of wood. (can be another physical way to release your emotions without harming yourself.)
avoid temptation (i.e. avoiding the area in CVS where the razor blades are kept, etc.)
try to find your own creative ways as outlets for emotions.
learn to confront others/making your own feelings known instead of keeping them inside
go outside and scream and yell
take up a sport (a form of exercise can help you release tension, etc.)
work with paint, clay, play-doo, etc. (the person who suggested this mentioned that they would make a big sculpture and do whatever they wanted to it. They said it was helpful to calm the urge to self-injure, plus it gave them some idea of what might be underlying the pain.
draw a picture of what or who is making you angry
instead of harming yourself, try massaging the area you want to harm with massage oils or creams, reminding yourself that you are special and you deserve to treat yourself and your body with love and respect
go to church or your place of worship
wear a pipe cleaner or something that will fit on the places that you injure. One person did this as a way to remind herself that she could call someone instead of hurting herself and that she had other ways to cope.
break the object that you use to self-injure as a way to show that you have control over it.
write a letter to the person(s) that have hurt you and express how they made you feel. Theses letters do not have to be in perfect form and you do not have to please anyone but yourself. You do not have to give these letters to the people, but it is a great way to release the feelings that you are carrying within. After you write the letters, you can decide then what to do with them. Some people find destroying the letters help (i.e. tear them up, throw them in a lake, etc.)
do some household chores (i.e. cleaning)
do some cooking
try some sewing, crossstitch, etc.
recite a poem, prayer or anything else familiar the comforts you multiple times
write down all your positive points and why you do not deserve to be hurt
write in your journal why you want to hurt yourself and if you have hurt yourself, write down what caused it to happen so in the future you can prevent it from happenings - or find out what your triggers were
Play some kind of musical instrument. Even if you don't really know how to play, picking out tunes is a way to concentrate and help get rid of the urge to harm yourself.
yoga
allow yourself to cry. Getting the tears out can make you feel better. It allows the inside to release, as opposed to self abuse. Picture your "ickies" pouring out as you cry.
Take a shower
write down a word best associated with what you are feeling (i.e. horrible, sad, lonely, angry) and continue to write it down, over and over. Sometimes when you do that, the words looks silly etc., and it puts humor or a smile in your life.
sing a song on what you are feeling. It's another way to get it outside. Shout if you are made, etc. Let the words just come to you.
Scribble on paper. Clutch the pen in your fist. It's a way to diffuse it on to paper. (Get a few sheets so they don't tear.)
Take item you are self injurying with and use it against something else. For example, if you are using a razor blade, rip it across a towel. Sometimes seeing what "can" be done to an object can make a person think twice about using it on themselves. Can also give the feeling of "doing it"...the tangible aspect.
Make a list of reasons why you are going to stop cutting. Every time you get the urge, read the list to remind yourself why you shouldn't. Also remember to put on that list that you do not deserve to hurt yourself. You are important and special and you do not deserve to be hurt.