Things Left Unsaid *LA*

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 1:42 am

Gab- I'm sorry I'm lying to you, but you don't understand, and I can't trust you anymore. I love you Gab, you're my best friend, but I can't hurt you more than I already have.
----

My T- I don't like you. You had no right to call me those things. You don't understand. Don't think I didn't notice that you flinched when I told you what I did. That wasn't even the bad one.

----

Mom- I don't know why you do this to me. You need help, but I'm not sure I even want you to get it any more- and I hate myself for hating you. This isn't even about you. Not everything I do is to spite you.

Why can't I be good enough? You say you don't compliment me because I wouldn't believe you. What the fuck? I don't believe anyone because you never complimented me.

You told me that I don't deserve you. You said you'd give me something to cry about- nevermind the cliche, - you already have.

I'm not okay, but I don't need your help, because everytime you walk into a room I feel sick. I hate the way you make me feel.

I didn't mind when you dumped on me about Dad. I didn't mind when you ranted to me about my Grandmother, the people at your office, the whole fucking world's against you- including me- and you would tell me all about it.

I didn't mind because I thought it would help you. But it didn't. And it made me worse.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you.

----

The world- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hate that you have to put up with me. I'm bitchy, and annoying, and self-absorbed and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't deserve you. I'm sorry I don't do more. I'm sorry I'm not smart enough. I'm sorry that I've hurt so many people. I'm sorry.

JoAnna

pistachio · Post by **pistachio** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 2:45 am

Rachel-I'm sorry, I couldn't. i have trust issues, you need to remember that. I'm so sorry.
Tony and Jamie-i'm sorry i lied and im sorry I can't tell you, I wish to god I could but since you're both leaving it doesn't matter anyway. please stay here. you guys are all we have left, and if you leave we will all crumble and fall. don't let us down like countless others...

Calluna vulgaris · Post by **Calluna vulgaris** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 4:08 am

Dave - Thank you for today. I had a great time drinking coffee with you, discussing things face to face, and just hanging around in some bizarre places. I don't get out much. I think I'd like to, though.

Twitter Mouse · Post by **Twitter Mouse** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 10:18 pm

Nick- I'm not sorry. You deserve a hundred times worse than a punch in the shoulder. I don't know why she's getting worked up over an asshole like you. I understand she loves you, and it's hard to let go but she deserves much better than a cheating jerk like you. Go ahead and hate me, I can't say I care. I don't want you as a friend anyways, not after how you treated her. Yeah, I was a bit nutty today, oh well. You deserved it and all the things we said about you.

pandora · Post by **pandora** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 7:33 am

Calluna vulgaris · Post by **Calluna vulgaris** » Mon Jun 21, 2004 6:18 pm

Corey - I did it again, I'm sorry. I can't bring myself to tell you that. Your graduation is more important than my problems.

Dave - I'm so sorry about last night, about frightening you. You care about me so much, and I can't understand why. I connect with you like I've never connected with anyone else before. I'm so, so sorry.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 22, 2004 3:31 pm

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Will it help if I fucking spell it out for you?
EN. OH.
NO.
Now fuck off.

snowangel_03 · Post by **snowangel_03** » Tue Jun 22, 2004 7:29 pm

Why the fuck can't you see that things aren't gonna stay the same..
Things won't ever be the same with us, not after what I told you..

BrokenSilver · Post by **BrokenSilver** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 4:39 pm

M: Why can't you understand that I am never going to be able to tell you the reasons? Isn't it enough that I'm here and I'm doing the best I can. Get your nosy ass out of my business!! DAMN YOU!

L:I am trying and I wish you could see beyond your own inadequecies to realize that. I know that I am not perfect but fuck I'm still here. I am doing the best that I can under the ciscumstances. Don't you think I'd like to be a stronger person? Don't you think I'd love to get past this? Fuck you.

G:I'm sorry that you had to be brought into this fucked up world. I love you more than anything in the world and beyond. I hope someday you will forgive me for not being what you deserve.

shatter to peaces · Post by **shatter to peaces** » Fri Jun 25, 2004 6:59 am

These are the words I’ve wanted to say to you, and all of the questions I wanted to ask you. Why did you hurt me? …over and over again? When you dumped me, two days later you said I “ruined everything” because I was moody. You wanted me to shut down my emotions and be a lifeless vessel. What really sucks is that I tried it; I was numb, I became so numb I couldn’t feel anything. But it didn’t matter to you.

You said you wanted to be friends, but you didn’t try. You didn’t make any effort, I tried to be the best person I could be, but it didn’t matter to you. You ignored me and didn’t want me to do things with you as a group. I’d “get bored,” you’d say, but you silently knew that wasn’t true. You didn’t want me.

I tried to be your friend several times, you would accept my invitation, but then cancel. You dumped me a week before homecoming; and you still went. You have no idea how crushed I was. Sure it may seem silly to you, but I was so excited.

Remember the fourth of July?

The night of the football game you seemed upset that I had my arm around you. I had given you my jacket and was freezing from the rain.

I wish you would have been honest with yourself and me. I know now that the last few months we were together you weren’t really interested in the relationship; you did me no favors by hanging around pretending to be my girlfriend.

I put way too much trust into you; I loved you, even though you didn’t return it.

You threw a birthday party for me; but it was really just an excuse to manipulate everybody. You really just wanted to throw a party and play hostess, and you used me. You used me; it’s not the first time.

I know now that you don’t want to be in my life; you don’t care about what happens to me. You’ll say you do, because that will make you feel better about yourself. I now see the difference between your persona and your actual self.

Some people might say you did this because so many people confide in you that the pressure builds up and then you get grumpy and take it out on somebody. This may explain your actions but it does not excess them.

You and Kevin are so alike; you dumped me online. You dehumanized me.

I’ll bet you’re mad at me for expressing my feelings, it doesn’t matter; I’m not going to numb myself again. Emotions may suck, but they’re better the cold clammy numbness that I tried for you.

Brendan’s moody and irrational, and with a raging vengeances.

I would say I wanted to be friends with you. But I know what to expect of you. I won’t upset myself over what I expected to get, anymore. You try to give off this nice genuine girl, but you can’t give what you don’t have.

You constantly would get annoyed with your friends, and when they ignored your concern you just got over it. How come when I tried to fix the problem you would get even more upset? Should I have ignored you and just believed you’d get over it?

I wanted to path things; and I know that I still would. But before anything could ever be patched, there’s so many responsibilities that both of us need to claim. Neither one is innocent. I’ve apologized to you so many times for any hurt I’ve caused; you never have.

serenity · Post by **serenity** » Fri Jun 25, 2004 8:40 pm

N--Why do you always have to blame it on me. I'll ask when i feel ready to. STOP FUCKING PRESSURING ME!! I hate when you tell me things i dont need to know, you make me feel uncomfortable, it makes me cringe in my seat. You dont always have to hurt me you know. im not some bag you can yell at and wont do anything. im tired of being pushed around by you, im tired of it do you hear me IM FUCKING TIRED OF IT!!!!!!! I hate the way you make me feel sometimes. i hate how you always say "eww shes sooo fat" about some inocent random chick wlaking by, well hun newsflash, no offence but your probably bigger than her. im sorry but its the truth and its soo hypocritical of you to say anything about someone elses weight problem. When you have your own. Keep your damn mouth shut if you ahvent anything nice to say.
Why are we always fighting, why do you always irk me in some way. Your my best friend, i'd be lost without you but why do i hate you so much.

theatregeek · Post by **theatregeek** » Sat Jun 26, 2004 5:27 am

1--> I fucking hate ur way of lying...u lie about everything....every fucking thing...so knock it off...u stupid bitch....
2-->I like u...i dont love you...im not like obsessed with you so dont flatter urself that much!

nirvana · Post by **nirvana** » Wed Jun 30, 2004 6:42 pm

don't ever fucking tell me i love you.

don't tell me what i'm thinking. it's in my head, not yours.

when i say no, i mean it. i know what i'm feeling, you do not.

respect my decision, do not force me into anything.

don't act like you know everything that's ever happened to me, because you never will.

i do not need you or anyone else to make me happy.

i'm strong enough without you.

~Claire~ · Post by **~Claire~** » Wed Jun 30, 2004 7:01 pm

R ~ Thank you. Just for being my angel these last few weeks. You've made me feel so loved, cared about. You understand me like nobody else. I love you so much. Always here for you, always, always and forever. I promise.

Carl ~ Take it too far? Start to hate me? Im waiting for it...i almost want it to happen. I dont know why. You cant love me that much...I know you say you do...I just dont know, I dont see how. I dont see why. I dont see the reasons you love me. Or say you do. End it now, please? Before it starts to hurt me more. Begging you. I love you.

snowangel_03 · Post by **snowangel_03** » Wed Jun 30, 2004 7:33 pm

From my place.

~~
Unimportant rant.
Just something I need to get out of me.
Don't read.

Will trigger coz mods want triggery posts pre-warned, so
*LA, Rant*

How the fuck could I not notice. I am so fucking angry with myself... I get a sign of it in February. FUCKING FEBRUARY!!! : bawl :
Am I really that fucking blind?! : cry :
Two months. Two months and then it’s official.
You and R. In love, together, happy.

"I care about her a lot too, and I haven’t the slightest idea why… I just want to be there for her as well… wait, why am I saying this?"
I know why. Because you love her you ignorant bastard. You love her and you couldn't even see it. *sighs* You wanna be there for her because you love her and you want her to be ok.
Sure, you love me and wanna be there for me, but you're in love with her. You only love me as a friend : cry :
You only said you don't know why you're saying it in case I get worried that you care about her more than me. Well you do. You always have and as long as you're into her, you always will be.

I just have to get used to it.
Those little hurts are hurting now, I can sure as hell tell you that.
Christ. I sound like you now.
I don't want to get used to it. I don't like it. I hate it and I hate you.
God, fuck, no.. No I don't. I don't I don't I don't. How can I hate you when you're so beautiful and amazing..?

Please.. Just stop saying 'love ya' 'love you'.. I can't do it anymore.. You care, Fuck, I know you care so damn much.. And Christ knows you know how bad I care about you.. You know I'm so alone but still you present the 'love ya' at the end of every motherfucking letter..
It's killing me slowly and I don't think I wanna survive..
I can't. I'm not strong enough to pull free of this.

You made me stronger, you will never know this, or if I ever tell you, you will never know how strong you make me. With you, I can handle this disgusting habit. I can fight it. Maybe I can win, but only if I have you beside me.
Part of the reason, I can only see this now, I wanted help from a pdoc was coz it’d help to talk about this, to talk about feelings and shit. Partly coz it’s help you feel better about how I was handling things. I was so happy you were proud of me.. I wanted you to stay proud of me..

I know when you're hurting and won't let me in coz you swear lots lol.

You know my heart's tattered and you still care. You know I'm torn inside but you still care. You see what others don't and you see the me that I don't. And yet there you are, ready and willing with a hug a kiss and a shoulder.

I love you more than I can ever manage to explain. You know I do but yet you don't know how much.
Last week.. all the 'love you's and the two 'love you nicki's.. I wished so bad you meant it. I really did, and it was so so wrong of me to want that but I do, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I want something I will never ever ever have..
You.

What I want, the one thing, person, I need and I can't have it. You once told me that you almost almost cried coz you were so in love with someone. Well guess what, mate, I beat you. For once, this pengy is right. I have loved someone so much that it made me cry. I still love them. I always will.
Part of me needs to get over them and part of me doesn't. Part of me wants to get over them and part of me doesn't. I need to get over them but I can't. I don't want to. I can't hold on if I do. Can't you understand that.

You told me you've dug a hole and the ones you love are stranded at the top. Bull crap (I'm even starting to talk like you). You're nowhere near the bottom. You're way up top where you belong. I shouldn't be at the top looking down on you. You should be the one looking down at me.

Please.. baby, don't get me wrong, I know things are so good with you and her, and I don't mean to diss what you two have, you both deserve it, but I can't help feeling how I do..
I love you. Pure and Simple, I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you so much.. If only there was a time when I could tell you and hear it back in the same way..

You worry; You care. You stuck around and I thank you.
I've told you so many times that I'm not worth your words, your love, your breath, your heart. Why do you even show any affection. I'm a cruel, cold, heartless bitch and I don't deserve you. I don't deserve you friendship and affection and I sure as hell don't deserve any love you show me.

I will love you till I breath my last.
I know I will, coz you're the special one.
If there were angels, you'd be it. You're the Nicolas Cage in my City Of Angels so to speak.. The one to save me, to guide me thru this.

If I hadn't of told you about my SI, I dread to think.. Would I still be here? I don't know. I managed to find some strength in this weak hopeless being, and I tasted the words and gave them out.
I don’t regret telling you. It gave me hope that I could be like you, like everyone else. I wasn’t sick, pathetic. I was Nicki, I was human.

All I know is that if I don't have my BJ, I'm not Nicki. I'm Nicola.
I don't ever wanna be Nicola again. She’s ill, she’s scary, she frightens me and I wanna kill her. I wanna kill that part of me.
I just wanna be Nicki forever and ever and always. I wanna be your Nicki. That’s all I want. To be Your Nicki.

I cut badly and a lot, lately, and I will never tell you to your face. Not right away, but it'll come out eventually.

Thank you do much for being so cool about the whole me having a crush on you thing.. I couldn't bear if I lost you over something like that.. I just couldn't.

I need to say sorry for every bad word I've said, every time I scared you with this appauling habit I have, the way I frightened you the day I told you about how I was feeling about you.. You called me darling and sweetheart, but did so to freak me out. Badly wanted you to have meant it in the 'more than my friend' sense, but alas, no. Never will mean it that way. Thst's what my dreams are for.

I told you I never dream. I lied. I do. A lot. You, mainly, what coud happen if I flew over to you, what could happene if there was an "us".

For once, I’m all out of words. You were right about this; Just write. You’ll find a place you feel comfortable and the words will just come.
Guess what babe, you were right.
I like calling you that.. Calling you 'Babe'.. Seems silly. Bit it fits you perfectly.

I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically..

So t'is Kaboodles signing off for now.

I love you B, I love you.
Not ‘love ya’, not ‘love you’.
It’s an I Love You.

Forever yours my darling,
Your Nicki

xxxxx

snowangel_03 · Post by **snowangel_03** » Thu Jul 01, 2004 9:05 pm

*LA, RANT*

B-

"It's heartache every moment, Baby with you, My darling with you"

I'm sorry.
I love you.
You belong to R, not me.
I'm sorry things changed because of what I told you.
I wish I didn't want what I can't have.
She needs you, and you love her. I'm selfish to want something other than this. I have what I want; I should be happy.

Take care my B.
I love you xxx

D-

You deserve every last harsh word you get from Andy. You're a bastard for going back on your promise.
Why tell me what you did then date someone? I don't understad it, I never understand you.
I'm a sucker; I keep on coming back for more, and I can't help it.
What I said; I meant it. Did you?
You know what? I don't need a twat like you in my life. I'm glad Andy hates you. I'm glad Kimmy hates you. You deserve to be hated after what you did to her. You would've done the same to me, I know that now.
I'm clear shot of you and I'm glad.

B-

I told you I'd take care of me, that I wouldn't do any bad Nicki things, but I did. I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean for it to be a lie; I thought I was on top of this; controlling it. I guess I'm not, huh.

Take care my sweetheart B, I Love you xxx

C, C, R-

I'm sorry you can't take it. I'm sorry you don't care.
I'm stronger thatn you think I am.
I have people to love me even though you don't. I have someone so special to me who loves me for what's right with me and they accept what isn't.
She shoulda gotten rid of me when she had the chance, but haveing said that, I wouldn't have B, and I wouldn't feel what I do.

I hate you for being disgusted with the way I am, so fuck you. Fuck all of you.

I'll be on top, looking down and I won't save you from anything bad. I'll leave you there like you did to me coz you deserve to be abandoned, just like you abandoned me when I needed you.

N-

If having him in your life means more to you, then go ahead. I have better friends, stronger freinds, and they still love me.
I told you about SI and you brushed it off. I don't know why I expected anything else from you.
I wanted to be loved for once, but no. Ash was more important than a friend who was hurting so badly she wanted to SU.
I called for help and you rejected me. The way you have done since you started dating that wanker.

caterpillargirl · Post by **caterpillargirl** » Thu Jul 01, 2004 10:22 pm

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 10:55 am

I wish I was surprised by your behaviour, but I'm not. You silly little twat.

Wall · Post by **Wall** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 7:47 pm

M: You have absolutely no idea who I am. None. You've had almost 40 years to find out and you blew it. For years I've listened to your accusations and blame about how I've behaved badly. I'm through. I'm tired of you not caring about me. No, I'm not going to call you back. No, I don't owe you an explanation of why I'm such a terrible person. No, I don't feel guilty. I am walking away and I won't look back. You can write me all the nasty letters you want. I won't respond. You can call my husband and try to turn him against me. I won't respond. You are toxic to me and I will not put up with it any longer. I am done.

bright.eyes · Post by **bright.eyes** » Fri Jul 09, 2004 7:59 pm

How could you do this to me? HOW COULD YOU? You're supposed to be my best friend, you're supposed to be considerate of my feelings, you're supposed to remember I exist. I trusted you, I told you a secret I told no one else, so you could look out for me, so you wouldn't hurt me, and what did you do? You stabbed me in the back, how can I ever forgive you? What's worse is that you haven't even noticed you've upset me, you haven't even noticed you've done anything wrong. Here I am, trying not to cry every second, trying to keep busy because all I want to do is cut myself, to take away the pain... and you don't even notice. I'm so dissapointed in you, I thought you were better than this.

Best friends means I pulled the trigger,
Best friends means you get what you deserve.

bus

Things Left Unsaid LA

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