Closure after an old friend's suicide? (Sort of a ramble)

[erinmv]

Some of you may have read my post last month about my friend's suicide. For those of you who didn't here is the abbreviated version:

I saw my best friend from high school last month. I hadn't seen her in about 3 years. She told me that our friend had killed himself in October. She found out about a month after and didn't want to call me just to tell me that. Which I totally understand. So I was completely shocked and really felt terrible for a few reasons. I mean it's terrible no matter what but he was my only friend in high school who knew how I felt. We were never super close but we were messed up kids. And no one understood him. We used to talk about how much life sucks, etc. But no one knew just how bad I was. NO ONE. I never told him just how terrible I felt. I mean he knew I had problems but I never fully opened up. And now I feel terrible about it. What if I was the only one he knew that felt just as bad as he did? And he never knew it. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in about 4 years. I just feel so bad that his life never got better. And I feel sort of guilty, like why did I get better and he didn't? And I know I couldn't have saved him but I guess in a way, I almost feel like a part of me died.

Anyway, so since I found out last month I have thought about him everyday. (Which sort of makes me feel like an ass--why do I think about him everyday now that he's dead?) I don't know what to do. My friend suggested that maybe I should try to find out where he was buried and that when I go home I can go visit him and cry with him. Well I just got off the phone with the funeral home. He was cremated. And his family took his ashes. I did find out the day he died...October 16th. It was a Thursday.

So what do I do? I don't know if I should talk to his parents. I only met his parents a few times and that was like 8 years ago. I don't even know if they live in the same house. And I can't just show up on their doorstep and want to talk about their son that killed himself! But I need closure. I know I'll probably never get it but... I need something. I live 7 hours away from where we lived. All of our former friends have scattered. And Sean was living in Washington for a couple of years when he killed himself. No one really knows what happened with him. What do I do? I feel so lost.

[bright.eyes]

Hey, i just wanted you to know i read this, and i'll try and give advice but i'm not sure how useful it will be...
Firstly, i'm so sorry that happened, because its never easy to deal with death. But please don't feel guilty about it, or like you could have helped him, because its not your fault, and you also don't know exactly how he was feeling or why he killed himself... maybe no one could help him.
And also, you shouldn't feel like an ass just because you're thinkin about him now hes dead... its completely natural and i think everyone does it, i know i definitely do. i think its just because death is so sad, especially suicide.
As for closure... well once my brother's best friend and a close family friend died. I didn't know him that well, but i still found it really difficult when he died, i would cry about it a lot and keep thinking about him when he was alive. Well this is going to sound really weird... but i wrote him a letter, like saying all of my memories of him, why he was a nice person etc, and that i hoped he was happy now. I know its not much, but maybe it would help u? I really hope so. Or maybe you could talk about him to some friend who used to know him?
Anyway, sorry this has been so long. Take care and feel better soon

[Ime]

Hmmm...

How about going to a place that you liked, or a place that he liked, and sitting there and telling him all the stuff you want him to know?

Also i guess you could try writing to his parents, perhaps if you sent the funeral home a letter with an envelope and stamp to forward with, they might do that for you?

Be gentle with you,

Ime

[sam_girl]

perhaps u could write him a letter? write all the things u wish u could hav said then, when its nice and windy, burn it and scatter it in2 the wind 4 him 2 find

[greeneyes92]

a few years ago one of my friends died i was heartbroken i didnt know what to do with myself i walked around thinking about everything anywhere from what i should do with my day because it could be my last to that time in school when i saw my friend by herself why didnt i go talk to her why wasnt i there for her? why why why it was terribly hard to get over but i managed to find some pictures and things we had memories of and put them toghether to make sort of like a collage of important things in our friendship and every now and then i think about her and cry but it all heals with time


your in my prayers

[XclippedXwingsX]

I feel your pain... it's been 2 years since my ex-boyfriend killed himself... Unfortunately I'm still not over it... But I have some suggestions that my friends told me to use while I finally get closure on my lost... Try writing a letter to him... write poetry... write a story... writing always heals (at least with me). I hope I helped you in some way. I know what you're going through. Take care.

xXx You're in my prayers xXx

~Charm

[Lyndsie]

i remeber when something like that happend to me! I found out after it happend that my friends mmom died from cancer and that my friend moved!
At first I didn't know how to deal with it! I just cryed and lissend to music! Then I started wairing black cause people ware that color to funerals! It helped me deal with it! The pain never does go away, but it get better!

I hope your doing ok!


~Lyndsie

(((*hugs*)))

[blindbynight]

I just read a book called The Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold(I think Sebold. I'm not sure). It's told from th point of view of a girl who was murdered, and she watches the world from heaven. It's really a wonderful book, and I think it would help anyone deal with grief. Only read it if you feel strong enough, but sometime I would try reading it, hang in there <3

[erinmv]

Wow I had no idea you guys were still responding to my post. Thanks for all of your encouragement. It's crazy...my stepmom ran into an old friend of mine from high school who just happens to be dating this guy who was pretty good friends with Sean. Apparently no one really knows why or what happened but they heard it was over a girl. I hope not. More than anything I just wish he could have felt loved. I've actually been doing a lot better about it. I still think about him but I feel like I have a little bit of peace. I wrote his family a letter. I think that helped me. Thanks for all of words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. And you're right, the Lovely Bones is an excellent book!