coping with parents

[pretty]

I have a pretty good relationship with my parents these days, but they still scare me. We never talk about anything serious or anything emotional, we just pretend it doesn't exist. I don't speak to them that often anymore either, so this is all ok really. But....

I need to tell them at some point about some difficult stuff (failing uni, what I'm gonna do next, being miserable living here, etc) and I don't know how to go about it.

Any advice on interacting with difficult and invalidating parents who can be really nasty when they want to would be very much appreciated. Not just for this specific situation, any advice for coping with parents in general would be really helpful.

Thank you!

[Zebraseal]

I have a lot of trouble with coping with my parents, too. We're really distant, and even when we talk about emotional stuff I either get scared and back off or just seem to hit a wall where I look for understanding. We talk a lot but never really say anything that means something, so I get really nervous if I really have to tell them something. It's kind of easier now that I don't live with them any more (do you live with you parents, notevenpretty?) and don't feel pressured to hare everything with them any more. I have pretty much distanced myself in order not to feel threatened by them, even if that's not the best strategy, I know. Anyhow, it helps me when I remember that...

my decisions are mine and my life is mine, and I know deep inside what's best of me and what feels right. If someone says something contrary to what I feel in my heart, s/he is wrong, even if I care about that person a lot.

there are going to be big feelings involved when I talk to important people about important things. My parents matter to me a lot, if only for the fact they brought me up, so what they say matters to me and might sometimes provoke strong, negative feelings in me. All of my feelings are valid and important for me so I'll learn to know myself better.

I should, if possible, think beforehand about what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it so it doesn't feel any more awkward than it has to. Also, I'll take my time afterward to think about the feelings a difficult talk might have provoked in me.

my parents have known me for such a long time that, for better or for worse, their picture of me can't be changed in one discussion. If I say something revolutionary, I'll probably have to repeat it to get them to understand. On the other hand, I can always clarify what I said later on, and there's no chance I'll ruin anything in this discussion for good, because this is not their first impression of me.

I have the right to tell someone if they're hurting me. My parents care for me, which means they should really take it seriously if I don't want to talk about something, if my opinions differ from theirs, or if there are things they must not say to me because it hurts me.

I'm not my parents, nor should I be.

[pretty]

Thanks Zebraseal. I don't live with them, but I only moved out just under a year ago. There is a certain distance now, but my Dad still scares me. I'm terrified of telling him these things, he won't be happy and he will probably make it clear that he thinks ill of me.

I think it'd help me to work on the things you've suggested before I talk to them, to make sure I'm ready. After this, it should get easier. Thanks.

[Priceless]

i wanted to tell u something but it flew out of my head, but good luck i hope u figure something out.

[(*Haven*)]

This is something I've used during those rare times I've had serious talks with my parents. If you can express yourself well with writing, trying writing them a letter and then talk about the situation when they're calm. That's going to be the best way to handle a situation. Maybe this will help...Parents are so hard to deal with sometimes.

~Haven~