I'm really tired of it *trigger, language, SI, self hate,SU*

[Bridget0688]

PLEASE be careful when you read this.



I'm so fucking tired of living this life. Everywhere I turn, I'm constantly reminded of my cutting. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm ashamed. These scars, these cuts, are all triggers for me. Sometimes I wish I could just end everything.

Am I suicidal? Not really. It's just that when the pressures of being a 15 year old who's cut herself since she was 10 get a little hard for me to handle, I wish I could disappear. It's too much.

Why in the hell am I forced to pretend to live this way? I'm only 15 fucking years old. My mom's going insane because her mom's dying of cancer. My dad leaves sometimes for days at a time because of her. And my little brother, who's only 12, doesn't have anybody to count on but me. I'm carrying my family and I'm not sure whether or not I can handle it. I'm not sure if I can handle one more insult from my mom. I'm not sure if I can handle being forced to live like an adult when I'm just a kid. I'm not sure if I can handle one more day of this.

But time will tell if I'm going to cut or not. At times it seems like it's so much easier to allow myself to explode on the outside than wait until the explosion gets too extreme on the inside. And right now is one of those times. Sometimes it seems like the only way I can ever get past all this shit is to cut myself.

I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of being ashamed every time I look in a mirror. I'm tired of feeling guilty for being alive. For the love of God, I'm worthy of being loved. I deserve to be respected by myself and others. I deserve to be happy.

I just wish I knew why I'm not.

[roseblum15]

I'm sorry things are tough right now... I hope things get better.

[nirvana]

hey..... my scars are triggering for me too. it's really hard to handle everything, and sounds like you have it very hard. it hurts to know what i've done to myself; what i've turned into. and it's not like many people understand or are caring about it either. they think you're a freak if they know. but you shouldn't have to handle all that pressure. maybe you could talk to your mom about things? or a school councellor (if you do that, be careful about what you mention if you don't want your parents to find out about the si.) you could write things in a letter to your mom or dad, telling them how you feel about the pressure and life at home.

just random ideas. and i'm always here to talk if you need me. so pm me any time!!

i hope you find something that works.
love + hugs,
tara.

[Shei]

I know exactly what it's like. My scars trigger things like that too....And some days it's not as bad, and others, it just makes me break down into a little ball and cry until I can't move....But it's good there's a place like this where we can get it all out, right? A place where we know we aren't the only one....

I know what it's like to have a younger brother depend solely on you because of how your parents are....if you wanna talk, PM me or get ahold of me on AIM or something, okay?

Love and hugs
Shei