A theory on why people "blame the victim"

[Chocoboko]

I know a lot of are familar with being blamed for your own SI problem. People say hurtful things and say it's your fault. They accuse you of pitying yourself and not wanting to get better. They yell at you.

You might think of them as malicious. But I believe they feel inept and they refuse to admit it. Helping someone with SI is a major thing. It requires a lot of understanding of things, something the common person doesn't have. So when a person hears of a friend who SIs, he realizes how big of an issue it is. Subconsciously, he wants to help, but he realizes he can't. He doesn't know how. So to relieve his conscious from any help he might feel obligated to do, he blames the victim. He yells at the victim. So, in reality, if someone gets mad at you when they hear of your SI problem, they aren't really mad at you. They are mad at themselves because they feel inept to help. They just simply take out that anger towards themselves on you.

[darkrose]

hmmmm....I'm going to try to remember this next time my mom corners me and wants to "talk" about my SI. I guess it makes sense...but she still shouldn't yell!
thanx for sharing this...i'm going to try to remember! REALLY!

-Darkrose

[pinkllama]

why do victoms of other tings blame themselves??? Looking back on SA stuff...I'm comming to think that perhaps it really was my fault....that perhaps I was the evil one...that I was the abuser by not having done something differently...that I'm a load of shit. Maybe I am.

[Antenna]

that I'm a load of shit. Maybe I am.

Not in my opinion you're not.

*hugs if okay*

[Orange Crush]

My mate is just the same. She's constantly asking me about it. I managed to stop for 4 days last week and when I told her she said "well thats not very good is it" She constantly makes me feel guilty about it.

Though I am lucky that I have a really cool teacher who doesn't blame me or feel sorry for me.

[xmizzcattyx]

that makes a lot of sense

[tenar]

i agree. similarly, it explains why ihave lost a couple of friends because of my si and depression - they could not understand me or cope with me, so they cut down links.

sad but true

love,
tenar

[limestone]

I can see where your view is from and it makes sense - but I was a little puzzled by the use of the word victim to describe someone who hurts themselves. I'm puzzled as si doesn't happen *to you*. It just seemed to take the responsibility out of it. If someone is angry because you hurt yourself, then even though you can't be responsible for their reactions, you are involved to a degree, as by the nature of si, you're not communicating to that person the reasons why you feel the need to hurt yourself. So I can see why they would be angry, as they can see that lack of responsibility or rather, the aura of giving up. si does hurt people, but in a way that we'd rather ignore as if we always thought about it, it'd make us seriously question why we're doing it.

On the other hand, their frustration is also down to them not preventing si to occur in the first place, as if everyone looked out for each other and were sincere, then the need to si would not be as great. So they feel more guilt as they realise they should and could have done something, but it's now too late. And then when we realise they are upset because we've hurt ourselves, we're guilty because we realise we caused that upset and they wouldn't be upset if we didn't si - it makes you realise that what you're doing isn't cosy and ok etc.

both parties are responsible when you get negative reactions to si. but sometimes it gets used as an excuse to si further, to get back at them or simply just to deal with the upset caused by their negative reaction. Surely, when that happens, it should be a huge warning that what you're doing isn't working for *you*? but it doesn't, and so it just continues to repeat the same old pattern.