How Can I help My 14 Year Old Daughter with SI

[hersadmommy]

I have read the postings her & most are from Teens who have problems with SI. I know I'm a Mom, but who better to ask than the ones going through it. My 15 year old Step-Daughter (Who I consider to be mine) moved in with us last May & although I know it was a big life style change for her she was doing really great until lately when the popular craze at school in our little town became SI at school..... Do not get me wrong there are many people that cannot stop or have a serious problem but this is a fad like piercings etc. It really made it hard on her because before she moved in with us she had done it a few times and now again. We are very open and have a great relationship. I told her we would get one of those 4 foot punching bags for her room. Do you think it would help?

[HoldMe]

I really don't mean this reply to sound harsh, if it does I'm very sorry, I'm having big problems with my parents right now.

You said the relationship with her is open, so I would advise that you ask her what you can do to help. Sure, suggest things, but the minute she refuses an idea or seems to be getting frustrated or upset unless it is really vital drop it for a while. There is nothing worse for putting up barriers than feeling someone isn't listening when they've offered to. I know from experience.

It sounds like she's really lucky to have parents so willing to help her.

I'm a little confused when you say what's currently happening is a fad, but she's been through this before. Was the time before a fad, or something else? I'm not by any means saying it's less serious if she feels she needs to hurt herself to fit in, there's still a lot of negativity to be dealt with in that case. But it is quite a bit different to SI as a form of control, release, or survival which is most common on these boards.

However, if the time before wasn't triggered by a fad this current bought of it may be bringing back really bad feelings that she might want some help with. Take it at her pace, let her know you're there and let her come to you. Be receptive and listen, even if some things she asks you to do just cannot be done.

I hope someone can give you slightly more informed advice, but everything I have said is based on what I'm needing from my parents and not getting right now.

[Wandering]

Without wanting to be negative, there's not a huge amount you can do to make her stop. If you tell her to stop the likelihood is that she'll just do it somewhere you can't see it. So my suggestion would be to point out that its probably not the best thing to copy her friends in, but don't have a go at her about the issue. I envy you for having an open relationship with her - its something I don't have with my parents, so please support her rather than get on her back about it. It sounds like you're on the right tracks anyway.

Um, thats about everything I can think of saying - hope its some help

Andi

[surfgurl]

As HoldMe suggests ask her what you can do to help her. If she doesn't want to talk or anything, leave her be for a while.

Practically you can make the house safe. Make sure things like knives, razors etc aren't left lying around. Put them away, don't hide them, because then she'll feel you don't trust her. Just put them out of sight so she won't actively notice them.

You need to help her work on raising her self esteem. Help her feel good about things. Help her look to the future. Praise her in things she does well. Always remember to thank her when she does something like wash the dishes. Never forget. Make her feel special and loved.

Buy or borrow some relaxation tapes, books etc. Leave them lying about the house. If she wants to use them she'll pick them up. That way you're not forcing it onto her.

Maybe consider making a contract with her. I was 12 or 13 when I started si'ing. (now 25) I told a teacher and we had an agreement that when I wanted to si I could give any tools to him. Let her know it's ok to show you her injuries, that you care and will help patch her up both physically and mentally.

Make sure you have a first aid kit in the house and it's kept kitted out with plasters, antiseptic wipes etc. Make sure she knows where it is and that it's okay to use it whenever she needs to.

Does she have anyone to talk to outside of the family home? Does she see a counsellor or therapist? Does she have someone neutral that she can tell stuff to? Help her find someone.

I wish you and your daughter all the best.
love surfgurl

[TainTeD Xx gRAcE]

I have gone through having to tell my mom that I si, and I tell you what, it is an extremely hard thing to go through. And ever since my mom told me to stop, I have wanted to do it more than ever because I feel as if I'm a burden to her. Give her space, si'ing is something that she shouldn't have to be ashamed of, it may not be the best way to cope, but it is a way.

[emnatic]

i told my parents i si'd last year, and it was really hard. They really did there best to help but in the end i let them believe i had stopped. i dont know how it is between you and your stepdaughter but for me its always been hard for me to talk to them about things. something u shouldn't do i think is laugh about it and ask them if they've been doing theire habit recently which is wat my dad did a lot i know he didnt mean it like in a bad way but that really made me feel horrible. i dont really hav much advice but also try not to keep asking hav u self harmed recently because with me i will never ever say yes to that..i just cudnt
hope everything turns out good with your daughter
takecarexx

[kurdt_kobain]

Instead of asking her want she wants, why don't you suggest things. She may not know what she wants. Maybe you could say things like, "Do you want to go rent a movie and watch it with me?" or "I have tomorrow off, do you want me to take you and some friends to the mall?" If she says no, don't press the issue.
Maybe doing small things to make her feel better would help. It doesn't have to be anything big, but maybe pick her up from school one day and take her to lunch or buy her a small gift. Leave little I love you notes in places she can find them. Anything to make her feel special and cared about.
Tell her she can always talk to you, and if she ever does just listen. Don't freak out if she wants to SI or something. Just be there for her.

[kurdt_kobain]

Oh, and remember to take care of yourself. You can't help her if you're not okay.

[kodora]

Well, I didn't see that it had been suggested, so you might want to take a stop in the Family and Friends forum. They have a topic called "things I wish I could tell parents of SIers" and you might want to look at that. But, most of all, you can get support there. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a friend of mine who SIed, and I can't imagine what I put the people that I love through with my SI. I just know that it must be hard.

I'm glad you came here for your daughter..

[reallycreamed]

i'd keep the topic in the open. don't be afraid to ask about her injuries. maybe consider getting her some outside help like a counselor. spend time with her (we tend to si more when we're alone). and don't forget to take care of yourself too!

[pistachio]

You're doing the right thing by being that close to your daughter. I think that the best thing you can do is be there for her. Speaking from expirience, dont jump to conclusions and accuse her of doing it becuase its a fad, but remind her that it should not be done to be popular. Keep talking to her, she needs you now.