Things Left Unsaid *LA*

[ComfortablyNumb]

If only you knew how much I love you.

[WickedWitchElphie]

If you love her, go with her and be happy. Move on from me. Treat me like I was nothing to you. That would be fine. Stop it or leave.
I can't love you anymore. Like, I'm almost incapable of feeling any more emotion for you, that's how much I feel. But my stagnant emotion makes me want to do more for you...and the only way that I can see doing more for you if I can't emotionally is physically. That could be bad. Especially on our day together.
Just...err. I'm so the epitamy of jealous girlfriend.

[custoza]

why in the hell are you leaving me? if you care about me as much as you say you do then you'd try harder to find a job here, move on with yoru life with me. but no you're running away and leaving me behind. am I not good enough for you? is that it? you can make the difference here but you choose not to. of course I want you to be happy. of course I dont want you to feel like a cog in a huge machine. but I dont understand how you can only break free from these feelings by moving back to america. sometimes I wonder whether you've thought this through after all... this is all so sudden

[WickedWitchElphie]

Oh fuck.
I just realized I need you here.
Now.
Shit.

[Twitter Mouse]

Miss L-Thanks for being so sweet to me. You saved me from a month in a hospital, hopefully.

Mom-Why can't you accept that I slipped up? Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to completely stop cutting, especially when I am constantly depressed about nothing. Why won't you just accept that I am not happy? That I probably never will be. No amount of sending me to dcotors, so I can say over and over that nothing is bothering me and have no one believe me will help. I have given up. Why won't you?

[C_Tyrdrop]

Why can't we have that talk? Why does it always come down to not wanting to spoil a happy mood? Why are we so starved for happy times that we put of very necessary things in favour of them? Why couldn't I leave her today for so long? Why do I always feel the need to bask whenever I'm around them, like I have to soak something up to store it for the dry times? Why do we hurt so much?! How could you do that to her?! How could you let it happen?! HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELVES LOVING?!?! WHY DO THEY HURT HER?!?! why can't i stop it? why can't i kiss it better, why can't i be closer, why are we so delicate? why can't I sink into them and never come out? why is everything so hard? why can't i feel you? am i not looking? i'm sorry

(I thought this was going to be "things left unsaid to my friends" but instead I'm screaming at the heavens here...sorry if it needs a religion spoiler.)

[WickedWitchElphie]

I love you so much.
Thank you for being there last night.
I don't know what I would've done without you.

[Twitter Mouse]

Di- You two are being complete babies about this. Why don't you two try talking to each other instead of completely avoiding each other and doing stupid little stuff to get on each other's nerves? It's very annoying.

Laura- I hope you're happy. I got rid of the last my vodka. Now you can know for certain I don't have a drinking problem. One less thing for you to worry about.

Miss L- Thanks for talking to my mom. You are the best.

Ms. H- I'm not going to another damn psychiatrist!

Jamie- Please quite worrying. I apperciate that you care about what is going on with me, but I don't want you worrying about me.

Dad- FUCK YOU.

[WickedWitchElphie]

Can you stop pushing me away just because YOU'RE stressed? Especially with the fact that you're stressed! It shows me that you need me even more! I try SO HARD to be there for you, and I don't think I've been getting the respect I deserve lately. I love you, baby! I just care about you and I'm just trying to do what's best for you! Please baby, don't be like this...

I hate to say this, but you're not the only stressed-out one this week. I'm freaking over exams next week but I haven't been talking about them with you because I don't want stress to take over this relationship. It's like we talked about in English today, teens go out for a few months, and then reality sets in, then they start to fight, then they break up. I don't WANT us to be the stereotypical teenage couple! I want to leave as much stress as possible outside the door of our relationship, and, when we're together, not think about anything but each other. I know that's increasingly difficult but you have to work with me here, there's gotta be some sort of compromise.

Monday...Monday I will make everything right. I'll whisper the words that fill you with desire and everything will be fixed. I hope.

[roseblum15]

MJ- AAAAAHHHHH, why did you do that? I know it was out of concern. But it has messed me up more than it helped. Think becfore you do stuff PLEASE stay out of my life.

M- THANK YOU SO MUCH, I would not be doing as well as I am without you!

[theatregeek]

Someone: WE CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. we cant just mess around...we need to stop...i love you...and our "closeness" is causing me to think about constantly. u are not the type of person i should love....ur bad....when im with u i am bad...i have done so much shit with you that if any of my friends knew they would be shocked....im not like this...i dont get into trouble like this...scary thing is, i love it...i love you...and i CANT. so we need to stop...this is it....all done....no more....i cant do it....i really cant handle it...you make me bad....and i cant do it.

[Guest]

I don't understand what you want. Why are you playing with me like this? Does it give you a kick to know you've got the upper hand? Do you kind of like it when I'm upset? I need to know what you're doing, M, I think I'm going crazy right now.

[Tourniquet]

Kristina - Think about the things you say before you say them! Just because you don't mean them, doesn't mean other people don't find meaning in it. I feel so sensitive that anything I take to heart can push me over into suicidal. I wish you understood. 6 years of friendship...why are we drifting apart?

Viki - You annoy me *so* much!!! Just leave me alone! Be normal! Wash your hair - it's disgusting! And eat more fruit and veg, and drink more water - you need it for *healthy skin*!!! I know we've been friends for over 9 years, but I don't like you anymore...

Emma - You are such a hypocrite. "Oh, look at all the 'popular girls' in their short skirts. They're such tarts," and then you come in with that tiny skirt. You were my first new friend at this school, and I was yours, but you've slowly drifted away from me. Sometimes we're brilliant friends, but sometimes I despise you.

Sian - Thank you for keeping my secret and supporting me, in some ways. You have an amazing talent, never doubt that. I hope we stay friends forever, you are brilliant.

Lottie - I'm so glad I met you. I trust you so much. You know all my secrets, you support me, you're there for me. You're amazing.

[Wild Sunlight]

hannah - its been dug under for a long time now, but its still there. this thing about us being best mates back in year 7. i know you feel its my fault, but you dont know what you were doing to me. im sorry for the way it hurt you when i went off like that, but i had to. what kind of best friend criticises and bosses like that? i know it was rash to ask you anyway, but you dont know how desperate i was. year 6 was so damaging, you dont know what its like for NOBODY whatsoever to even want to be your friend, let alone your best friend. everyone i knew had one and i got ignored, and i would always wish for one.
we should really talk, but i still want to try and forget about it.

John - YOU FUCKASS BASTARD!!!! i hate you so much, what kind of brother are you? what kind of HUMAN BEING are you?!? what makes you think you have the right to prick and dig around in my sore spots like you do? what gives you the right to know about my pains, when doing that only makes it worse? WHY ARE YOU SO STUCK UP YOUR OWN ASS?! why do you hurt me, why are you so unsensitive? dont you think of anything else except yourself?

[DiamondHeart]

B-
I am SO confused on SO many levels here.

Did you mean to send me that email? If you didn't, ok, fine, whatever, I could give a rat's ass at this point if you still hate my guts or not. If you have absolutely no desire to speak to me, delete this immediatly and we'll go back to not speaking.

If you DID mean to...first of all, I would like to point out that you have VERY BAD FUCKING TIMING. I just saw my new shrink for the second time and had to tell my dad I've cut five or six times since you and I stopped talking. And to top the icing on the fucking cake, this weekend also happens to make it two years since my mom's overdose which always makes me even crazier than usual...how the in the HELL do you manage to TIME these things?!

Just because my defensive paranoid pysche demands to have a say in this, if the only reason you sent me was to reaffirm my suspiscions that you ARE in fact a cold, calculating, love-'em-and-leave'em son of a bitch by just waiting for me to come crawling back to you, I will make the fight we had in October look like a fucking party. Yeah, you know my tricks and you know when I'm bluffing, but I'm a bit stronger now than I was three months ago.

However, for some odd reason I haven't quited discerned yet, I'm reasonably sure that's not the case.

I'm confused because I'm extremely unsure of what you want from me.
Want me to apologize for what I said to you?
Done.
Forgive you for what happened?
Uh, check.
Want me to leave you alone?
Hmm...yeah, been doing that too.

So I'm confused. And if I turn out to be an overanalyzing idiot...do me a huge favor and just delete this now.

~Diamond~

[WickedWitchElphie]

I can hear you in a whisper, but you can't even hear ME screaming

[~Claire~]

S - Decide whether Im your friend or not, whether im 'attention seeking' whether you want to be around me. The world doesnt revolve around you, other people live here too. If you dont understand what Im going through, fair enough, but dont say im faking it. Am I really breaking us lot up? Strange that everyone else thinks its you. You say Im a lying bitch one day, the next you're acting like we're best mates. I cant carry on like this. Decide what you really want from me. And tell me. If you want me out of your life, I'll try and stay out of it, just let me know.

Claire xx

[~Claire~]

R, C - I couldnt have got this far without you both. I love you forever.

Claire xx

[WickedWitchElphie]

I miss you. Come home?

[GoSsOr24]

There are smatterings of strong language in this post. I don't know how to put a "disclaimer" on posts that are part of another thread. Also, there is mention of SU feelings: past, not present urges. Not that anyone's going to read this, especially b/c of the length.



R- You whine, all the time. Any time, any place, puts a smile on your face. Don't give me shit about not seeking stuff out so you can come to me and everyone else, expecting a pity party. Hun, I love you, but you need to learn to handle your own life a little. I can't make your decisions for you, I can't clean up your messes, I can't make the world right for you, and most of all, I can't make you happy: only you can do that. And you know what? It would be really nice if you listened to me for once. I listen to you, every night, whether I'm tired, whether I'm feeling like shit, whether I'm about to SI. It would be great if you could pull your head out of your self-absorption and listen to me once in a while, 'cause I feel like shit too, and it's usually not over stuff like having an exam the next day. I always feel guilty as all hell when I turn you down if you want to call me, or if I yell at you. But frankly, we all have your problems...and if I'm feeling the shame and the guilt after cutting and I can't deal with my feelings, and I’m about to lose it, I'm sorry, but that takes priority over listening to you whine about your history response paper. STOP TELLING ME YOU WANT TO DIE. I know you don't, because I've been listening to you for five years straight, and I know ten times more about you than you do about me. I were unsure that you were joking, I wouldn’t be as pissed, but every single time I pull you apart and ask you if you’re serious, you tell me that you’re not, and that you’re “not the type of person who would do that.” If that’s true at the moment, don't tell me you're going to go kill yourself, that shit is NOT FUNNY. I know what it's like to want to kill yourself. I know what it's like to write out the notes, make the plans, go over everything in your head hundreds of times. It's a matter of life and death, and it is NO JOKE, you jerk.


P- FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. You have your head so far up your ass, you haven't seen the light of day since your mama popped you out. You think you know me...you think you know everything. You are pretentious in the extreme, and you have absolutely no right to be. You think you have the right to make assumptions about other people. Let me tell you: most of the time, you're WRONG. That's because the only person you listen to or care about is yourself. Two years ago you told me you were in love with me and that you knew what I wanted in life. I have never heard such a huge piece of baloney ever in my life. You know shit about what I want. Maybe if you listened to me for two seconds before you opened your mouth about your own interests, you would know. But you haven't, and you' don't. Two weeks after you did that, you told me you were really in love with some other girl and that you were meant to marry her. You did that because your feelings were hurt after I told you I didn't feel the same way...and instead of dealing with it in a mature way, you tried to hurt me back. And frankly, it didn't work then because I don't feel that way about you, and I hope you find someone who does, and I hope you're happy with her. But you didn't stop there, you had to keep taking shots at me until you finally did hurt me, you asshole. All the time, you still pretended that you cared about me. You are one of the three only people I have ever told about my cutting. One would think that if you cared about me that much and if you knew what I wanted and who I am, you'd be supportive. You were confrontational about it. You treated it as if it were a joke or a little game I had thought of. You treated me as if I were a child, the way you always did. That is not cool, and dude, I am hurt, and it's going to take me a long long time to forgive you for everything. Nevertheless, you're getting married this summer...and I'm happy you found someone you love, and I'm going to support you and be your friend when everyone else isn't. Just the way you didn't support me. Also, you mentioned that G must be a very angry person based on pure speculation and assumption. He is, you're right, to an extent. But to a small extent are you right... you don't see the anger that's in me. Because you don't see me.

S- This is life, not a competition. Neither of us is better than the other, and it really bothers me when you try to prove that you're better than me. But I guess that's because you don't feel good about yourself, regarding certain things. That makes me so sad...because deep down, you're a wonderful person who's very, very hurt, and very beautiful, and very...everything. I wish I could tell you that I know, and that I want to give you a hug, and that I miss and love you.

T #1- Please stop analyzing our friendship to death. I love you as a friend, don't you understand that? Don't you understand that you're worth being my friend, that you're worth so much more than you think you are? I guess not. I lose patience with you because it's hard to constantly have to reassure someone that you like them. It's tiring. I try to be patient. I know you have feelings for me that I don't return, and that brings me pain. It brings me pain that I bring you pain. On the other hand, a lot of the things you say seem to be passive-aggressive attempts at pressuring me into liking you. I can’t. I’m sorry. And stop it, it’s frustrating.

T #2- I miss you like nothing else in the world. You taught me what it was to miss someone. You taught me so many things: to feel, to open myself up, to love... and I screwed things up. Now you're gone. You are the second person I told about my cutting. You didn't even look at me, you just stared at the wall. And you told me that you had a friend who did that. You told me you understood. You didn't. If you did, you would have understood that I needed you then more than ever. I don't know what happened with your friend...but I'm NOT your friend. I am me. I'm not doing this for attention, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, what I do has nothing to do with you or with anyone else. It's all me, baby, and it's something I have to deal with. I am strong, and I'm going to get through this. Maybe not now, maybe not this year, maybe not for a long time, but all I need is a little patience and a lot of love. It's that much harder to do everything alone. You were immature. So was I, and that caused a world of pain for me. When you left me directly after I told you about it, it was the same thing as if you had told me, "I think you're a terrible human being because you cut yourself, and you disgust me." Now I know that that isn't what you think, thank goodness...you just couldn't deal with it.
I still think about you every day... When every breath of air I took seemed to be filthy, there you were, and you were my one breath of fresh air. It was so, so sweet, that breath. I felt complete for the first time in my life. When you left, I felt incomplete again, and I still do. Foolishly, I hope that some day I may be complete once more. In any case, I hope to goodness that you find the happiness in life that you gave me for those few months, whomever it may be with.

D- It makes me truly sad to know that there are people in this world who are as selfish as you are.

J- You can also be selfish and self-centered sometimes, and you obviously don't realize it. You like attention, you love it when other people dote on you, and you try to put yourself in that position as often as possible. Many times, your point of view blinds you toward me. Sometimes I need a little lovin' too. Your passive aggressive behavior bothers me, even though I do it, too. It bothers me that you don't admit you have food issues, and it makes me fucking angry that you do that to yourself. That's right. I don't empathize with you anymore. I just feel ANGRY at you. For God's sake, at least stop fooling yourself and stop trying to fool your friends, 'cause it ain't working. Your behavior triggers the same behavior in me, and it makes me mad. At so many times, though, you have been such a caring person…you’ve been my friend through so many things, and I know inside you’re a wonderful, beautiful person. I want you to know that I appreciate you…we all do. Don’t hurt yourself.

L- Girl, you are one of the coolest peeps ever. My friends might not believe me when I say that I look to them as role models, but I do. I admire you…you’re grounded, you always get things done, and you always do what’s right. You care about the people around you, and you care tons about your family. I know from experience that you may look “happier” externally than you do inside, and I want you to know that you can come to me for anything!!!

A- YOU are one of the most AMAZING people I have ever met. I love you so much, you don’t even know it. I admire you. One of the things that makes you you is how absolutely genuine you are. I know that’s not the case with me, because I’m so used to slapping on a big smile to make everyone happy, because of any other number of things. I’m working on it, though, and you inspire me. You’re strong, loving, and sincere. You say what’s on your mind, and if something’s bothering you, you’re not afraid of bringing it up. Plus, you are one of the few people in this world who actually listens to what I have to say. I want you, too, to know that I will ALWAYS be there, no matter what, and you can rely on me if you need somebody.

LH- You know, people might say you’re “weird.” What the hell. Don’t let that get you down. Be who you are, because the person you are is great. You are “real,” and you’re not afraid to show who you are. I’ve seen you get up so many times when people have pushed you down. You have made me smile when I thought I couldn’t…and REALLY smile, on the inside. That’s a gift, man: there are very few people who can do that. Use your gift, ‘cause you have the capacity to make the world a happy place. I love you tons.

LR- You, too. I don’t know if you realize how much better you have made my life. I know you get down sometimes…don’t think I make the mistake of not paying attention. If I thought you’d appreciate it, I’d give you a big hug and tell you that everything is going to be okay. We’re always going to make it through. You’re a fighter, and you’re a beautiful person inside. Don’t let people make you feel bad. Well, I know that’s not easily done…rather, I might say, if people do make you feel bad, know that you have friends who love you.

M- You are unique. I’m extremely lucky to have you in my life: it’s people like you who give me hope for the world, and make me know that everything’s going to be aight. You taught me that it’s okay to throw your cares to the wind, take some “time out” of life, and have a moment to make sure that you’re going to maintain your sanity. You always tell me that you’re worried that you’re selfish. Let me tell you, you are by far one of the more caring people I’ve come across, and that’s saying a lot. You have a lot of love in your heart, and you give it out freely…and in return, everyone loves you back. You’re going to make it far.

Mom + Dad- Not that I can even fit everything I have left unsaid to you in one sitting. I just have to say that you definitely don't know me. And it fucking pisses me off that every time I'm with you, I turn into the person you think I am. I am NOT that person! Stop making me fit your mold!!! I have no identity to speak of at the moment, and for a large part it's because of things that you have repeated to me over and over and over since I was young. You have invalidated every feeling I have expressed to you as the whim of an "immature child." You call me an immature child every day, so I believe it. The result is that I repress my feelings as a reflex. I chide myself for being immature, and I dismiss the validity of my feelings and reactions, no matter how legitimate they are. I don't even know what I feel anymore, and it’s killing me. Of course, I am young. I'm 21, and I have my life ahead of me. But I have feelings and thoughts that matter, too. Dad, if I ever criticize you, it's a catastrophe...anything I might say toward you is nonsense to you. You don't let me get anything out. Mom, sometimes I just want to say, "screw you." You read my diaries, you physically never left me alone for a moment, and if ever I escaped your policing, you made me feel guilty. I never had any privacy...and privacy is something that's very important toward identity formation. What's more, you never paid attention to me when I needed it. Reading an article about cookies in the fucking newspaper was more important to you than spending five minutes with me to play cards or take a walk or some shit. You weren’t "too tired" to spend time with me, you were just not interested. I have long considered that, as a consequence, you have no right to nose around in my life. To both: I AM NOT A WALKING GPA, I AM NOT A WALKING MCAT SCORE, AND I AM NOT A VEHICLE FOR YOU TO LIVE THROUGH.

To all: respect my boundaries. Respect my feelings. LISTEN TO ME. I'm sorry, but you have to learn that there is a large discrepancy between the way I feel and the way I behave. If I tell you that I'm stressed out [down, angry, etc…], I am stressed out, and what I need is a moment of compassion. Telling me, "Oh, well you don't look that stressed out [down, angry, etc.]," and walking away, doesn't help at all. In fact, it makes me feel like hell. It makes me feel like I'm not worth your time, and it hurts.
Yes, I cut myself. I haven't told most of you. Hence the "things left unsaid" post. I cut myself, and I feel a great amount of shame over it. It weighs on me every day. I can't wear short sleeves...I have to constantly monitor myself to make sure my scars don't show...I obsess about it, I cry about it, I write about it, I draw about it. It's not a joke, it's not a game, and it's obviously not something I'm trying to do for attention. It's a plague, a monster, and a part of me that I haven't been able to get rid of yet. I hope every day that I will find someone to talk to who will accept this part of me and help me along in my journey to accept it as well (and not as something that defines or controls me). Someone who won't judge me, or become disgusted, or leave me, or tell me to "just stop it," or tell me that I'm stupid and inconsiderate. That "just stop it" attitude really cracks me up on some level. It's not like I woke up one morning and thought, "Hey. Wouldn't it be great to start damaging my own body?" This is the compiled effect of my personality, my upbringing, and my surroundings, and folks, those are things that are...you know...kind of big issues that aren't that easy to undo in a day or two. I need time, patience, and lots of hugs.
Generally, I love you all.