Post
by DiamondHeart » Wed Oct 15, 2003 6:28 am
B:
You had no idea what you go into.
No. I.Dea.
You don't know what it meant,
To tell an anorexic she was pretty.
What it was for a borderline to hear,
That someone would forever be there.
What would happen,
If you kissed a cutter's scars.
Know what I think? I think you freaked out when we had sex because it meant all of a sudden, you had to give just as much as I was giving. And that scared the fucking hell out of you.
And that's okay. I speak from expierence- IT'S MOTHERFUCKING SCARY TO GIVE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE!
But you...
You gave up on me.
You did what you always do, and tried to charm your way out of it, and when you couldn't, you hauled your ass out of there as fast as you could.
Nevermind who you left behind.
You didn't try to fix your mistake. You didn't try to make it better. You just LEFT and you said you WOULDN'T. You said you'd always be there for me, but where are you now? And I KNEW, that's what hurts, I knew you couldn't mean it, but I wanted to believe you could because I wanted it to happen so badly.
You don't know how badly I needed it to be okay. For sex to be something good instead of bad.
You never let me take care of you. Not like you would do for me. I could tell something was wrong (you're about as easy to read as I am, hon) but you never opened up. You just kept yourself distant. I went and threw everything I had down and waited for you to do the same- but you never did. You tried way way way too hard to fix me. And I didn't stop you, because I wanted you to fix it.
B, YOU CAN'T FIX PEOPLE. You just CAN'T. You canNOT do it. I know, I've tried, and STOP TRYING. It doesn't matter even if you do, IT WON'T MEAN YOU'LL BE OKAY. I do the exact same damn thing you do- I go and find someone who needs rescuing and by God I'm going to rescue them. I actually tried to do that a few times with you. First time you told me anything about your dad, I wanted to do what you did for me so many times- pull you close and tell it was okay, that it wasn't your fault, that it wasn't anything you did wrong. But you didn't want me to.
That hurt. Alot. You wouldn't give what I had- you wouldn't let someone else know that maybe you're not as rock-solid as you make out to be.
You've got a mask just like me. You're charming, you're smooth as silk, you can make anyone feel like you're their best friend.
It's all about *that* deep.
Underneath that veneer, you're just as insecure and scared and unsure of yourself as me. You're a selfish little boy who likes that he's popular, that he's good-looking, that he's got girls falling left and right for him. Who thinks that cause he's got so much going for him it makes him just one kickass person.
No one, and I mean no one, will stay so long as it's the mask and not you they fell for. Doesn't happen. Sorry.
I've seen little flashes of who I think is really you. At Dignity, when you held me while I cried, that was you. When you told me you loved me, that was you. When you admitted that you'd been thinking with your dick about dating after we broke up. When you apologized the last time we actually talked.
Either you're the guy I thought you were or not. And I hope so, because the guy who I think you ARE, lemme tell you, SUCKS FUCKING ASS.
He's a guy who doesn't care that someone cut over him.
He's a guy who doesn't care that he promised someone who's been left by everyone that ever meant anything to her he'd never leave, and then did.
He's a guy who'd use a rape victum for sex.
He's a guy who won't take responsibility for his actions.
You get to decide, right now, if that's you or not.
~Diamond~
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
-Dory, <i>Finding Nemo</i>
"Good feeling's gone."
-Marlin, <i>Finding Nemo</i>
"Find a happy place, find a happy place, FIND A HAPPY PLACE!"
-Peach, <i>Finding Nemo</i>