Jem's Master B&A Thread

[Butterfly.]

what are the resons you feel like you need punishment?

One of the reasons was I completely forgot my pdoc appointment, and didn't realise until late in the evening. I felt terrible for it. My own fault. Hence punishment. The other reasons is complex.

how did it go last night? are you ok?

I tried to go to bed but ended up giving in after about half an hour of lying there. Didn't do a lot, but some.

I'm a little bit less... worked up... today as a result. I settled down enough to sleep easily last night. I've been fairly productive today which is a good sign and I'm no longer urgy, although I have a feeling that won't last.

Thanks for asking

[Butterfly.]

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  Yeah, all taken care of.
• what had happened just before?
  Nothing particularly. I was just sitting in my room. I've spent the evening in here trying to keep myself distracted. The urge just got to strong to fight anymore.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  Feeling - I really can't name it. I'm doing really badly at the moment.
  Thinking - nothing particularly, besides the constant background noise of "I really don't want to do this anymore" which has been there for the last few days.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  I just finally gave in. The urge has been there for the last few days, I've been trying to fight it, but I could no longer. I would have done something last night but I ended up falling asleep.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  No final straw. Just urge got too much.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  Nope.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I've been keeping myself distracted most of the afternoon/evening. Reading a book, playing games, browsing tumblr and trying to stay on the safe side of it.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  Not really.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  Feeling like this isn't new, and it's pretty easy to recognize. There just isn't a lot I can do about it.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

[treasure]

hi Jem.
one of the before q's i find powerful and helpful is how can i/we honour the self-protective instinct that is behind some urges to si. do you think maybe the urges that were around for a few days were trying to protect you from something?

sometimes si makes me feel stronger, protected. i don't always need that protection - the feelings or situation i can't handle are not going to get easier unless i try and deal with them. it is not a bad thing to need protection, it can make me feel kinder to myself if i recognise that need, and it means there is something to work with besides the out-of-nowhere strong si urges.

[Butterfly.]

I tnk right now it's keeping me from doing something more serious. Protecting me from myself. It's what's keeping me alive. It seems the smallest thing can trigger the urges to increase, and it's things that normally wouldn't cause me to jump straight to si or su thoughts, but I seem to be very vulnerable.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  Hopefully will stop the pressure in my head building any more or reduce it somewhat. It's a strange sensation, and pressure building is the only way I can describe it.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  Bring - possible shift in feelings/pressure. Space from all of this.
  Take away - ?
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't know. I've never experienced anything like it.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  If it does reduce the pressure, even just a little bit, it will last until it builds up again. Which appears to be very slowly, so maybe 24 hours or more.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I don't know, I've done all I can think of already. I could call G back, but I feel bad about doing that. I could do some more crochet possibly, but that doesn't feel realistic.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  I don't know.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  .

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Pressure of emotions building up inside my head and body. Need an outlet. It just kinda happened. I think I've been doing too much lately, and it has all caught up with me.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Never been here before. This is a new sensation.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Prns, chamomile tea, crocheted earlier to keep busy, lying down, talking to G
• How do I feel right now?
  Pressure. Constantly building.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I don't know.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I don't know what the stressor was exactly, or even what this is.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I don't feel I have any other option at this stage.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.